


Green Light

by JennaLee



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Anal Play, Angst, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sex Toys, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:00:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 45,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24566563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennaLee/pseuds/JennaLee
Summary: Dan is curious. Arin is willing to help him out. It doesn't have to be athing.
Relationships: Dan Avidan/Arin Hanson
Comments: 160
Kudos: 494





	1. i.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [locusrose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/locusrose/gifts), [bugmod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bugmod/gifts).



“Dan?”

The sound of Arin's voice cut through Dan's daydreams and he snapped back to attention. Arin was looking at him with one eyebrow raised, like he was waiting for an answer.

“Oh, sorry,” Dan said with a sheepish grin, blinking away the sunspots from his eyes. He'd been gazing out the window, his hand resting on his chin. He'd been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't heard a word Arin had said in the last fifteen minutes. “Did you ask me something?”

Arin feigned a deep sigh, but he was smiling. “You're such a fuckin' space case today.”

Arin was standing at his kitchen counter, wearing a pink apple-patterned apron over his T-shirt and shorts. Ever since they'd started working out of Arin's house together, Dan had been treated to at least one home-cooked meal a day. Regardless of the circumstances that were preventing them from being able to go into the office, Dan had to admit that this was a lot nicer than having to call Postmates every day and eating at his desk as he worked. And Arin seemed to enjoy it, too. He was good in the kitchen, and his ears would always turn as pink as the apples on his apron when Dan complimented his food. 

“Sorry,” Dan said again. “I had kind of a long night.”

“Oh yeah?” Arin looked more closely at Dan's face. “Wanna talk about it?”

“Um,” Dan inwardly cursed himself for bringing it up at all. “It's nothing serious. I just tried something and it didn't work out.”

“Maybe I can help.”

“No,” Dan blurted, too fast. Both of Arin's eyebrows rose this time, and Dan felt his face grow warm. “Um, I mean, that's okay. It's nothing that you could help with anyway.”

“Alright,” Arin said, still looking curious. Dan braced himself for Arin to dig deeper, but to Dan's relief, he didn't push it. “So I asked if you wanted two eggs or three.”

“Oh. Three, please. I'm hungry.” Dan attempted a grin. “Maybe that's why I feel so off.” 

“I'll make yours first, then. It won't take long to cook.”

They were quiet for a while. Dan chewed on a fingernail as Arin worked. He tried not to bounce his leg around from nerves. He didn't know why he was letting himself get so worked up over something that didn't even matter. It was stupid to even still be thinking about it now while he was supposed to be spending time with Arin. 

“That doesn't look like any omelette I've ever seen,” Dan made himself say, putting his elbows on the table and leaning forward to watch Arin struggling to roll the eggs over themselves. “What are you doing?”

“It's _French_ , Daniel. This is how the French do it. It's fancy.” Arin gestured grandly. “Uh, c'est un...un omelette, avec...cheese.”

“Fromage,” Dan corrected absentmindedly as Arin wriggled the rolled-up eggs onto a plate. 

“Right, you fuckin' smartypants,” Arin said. “What's the French word for omelette, then?”

Dan's inner thoughts screeched to a halt. He stared, dumbfounded, until Arin realized what he'd said. Arin promptly threw back his head, laughing uproariously. 

Dan joined in, and neither of them stopped until they'd run out of breath.

The previous night finally faded from Dan's mind. They ate together and left the dishes to soak in the sink. Dan's face still hurt from grinning as he followed Arin into the living room to help him set up the stuff they needed to record. 

Just like in the kitchen, Arin did most of the work. It was easier in the Grump office, where nobody touched the equipment between recording sessions. Here in Arin's house, they had to get creative. Once they had learned that they'd be working from home longer than just two or three weeks, Arin decided to go for a more professional set-up. He'd dismantled their temporary space in his living room and moved everything to what had been his study. Dan listened and did what Arin told him to do, but for the most part he got to sit back and watch Arin, bent over in front of the screen, working his magic with the aid of some colourful cursing. There was a faint tan line across the backs of Arin's thighs. He'd been wearing longer shorts yesterday when they were out on the back deck. Dan had tan lines too, a farmer's tan on his arms. He'd noticed last night when he'd been undressing for bed.

“ _Daniel_ ,” Arin said, turning his head. “Did you fall asleep back there or what?”

“Oh shit.” Dan roused himself. Shit, he really had been dozing off again. “What do you need me to do?”

“I remember absolutely nothing about the last session,” Arin told him as he fiddled with the recording hardware. “Can you look up a walkthrough for me?”

“Sure.” Dan's phone was almost dead, but he'd brought his laptop with him. He balanced it on his thighs and booted it up. “I know I bookmarked the one we were using last time.”

Dan scrolled through the pages as Arin got the controller untangled and started up the game. The guide was pretty good, full of screenshots and simple explanations, but Dan soon found himself completely lost. 

“Alright,” Arin said, pulling his mic into place before bouncing down onto the couch. “So where am I supposed to go?”

“Um.” Dan looked at the sprite on the screen and back to his computer. “What was the last thing you did?”

“Fuck if I know. I finished the side quest to get the sword thingy, and then I needed another item before I can do the next dungeon.”

“Right. Um. Did you already go to the village?”

“Which village?”

“There's more than one?”

Arin looked at Dan's laptop. “Dude, we're halfway through the game and you're looking at page four.”

“I don't fuckin' know! You're the one playing. What page should I be on?” 

“Just like, go to the middle or something.” Arin leaned over Dan's shoulder, his hair tickling Dan's bare arm. “Yeah, there's good, I guess. I think I just did this part.”

Dan tilted the screen so Arin could read more easily. “Here?”

“Yeah. Wait, no. Wait. Fuck.” Arin clicked to the next page, then back, and back again. “What the fuck? This walkthrough sucks.”

Dan rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Sure, it's the _walkthrough_ that sucks.” 

“It is! It's all fuckin' backwards. Look, right there, it says to go talk to the village elder, but then it says you need the item that I'm supposed to be getting from the side quest, but I already _talked_ to the fuckin' dude to do the side quest in the first place!” 

“Let's just start from the beginning.” Dan patted him on the shoulder. “It's okay, big cat, I'll figure it out.”

“Nah. Find a new walkthrough. There's gotta be a better one.”

Arin, impatient as always, didn't wait for Dan to listen. He leaned in closer and double-tapped the URL at the top of the screen to start typing a new search. 

“Don't – ” Dan blurted, way too late. The bottom dropped out of his stomach and his smile froze in place. The rest of him froze, too. The moment stretched out, agonizing, eternal, and Dan was doing nothing but staring like an idiot.

Arin's click had pulled up Dan's Google history - a good long list of the last fifteen things Dan had searched for, all from last night, because Dan was a complete idiot and hadn't cleared it. He hadn't cleared it because he'd been distracted, because it was his own laptop, nobody would ever see it, or so he'd thought. 

And then Arin looked up before he started to type, and he froze too. 

“Oh, um,” Arin started, awkwardly. He pulled his arm away and looked at Dan with a half-smile, like maybe he was going to turn it into a joke, or he was waiting for Dan to make one for him. The smile didn't sit right on his face. He was startled, he'd seen, he _knew_ , and he didn't know what to think.

Dan slammed the laptop closed before he could think of anything to say. He couldn't imagine any joke that could deflect this. He was struck dumb with awkward tension. Blood rushed to Dan's face and his lips felt numb as he moved them soundlessly, forming words that he could not speak.

Arin didn't laugh. Maybe he was trying to be nice. It would have been better if he'd just laughed. 

Dan winced and wished fiercely that the floor could open up and swallow him whole.

“I can probably figure it out without a walkthough,” was the first thing Arin said after the longest fucking pause of Dan's life. 

“It's fine,” Dan forced out, and immediately wished his voice had come out normally instead of in a pathetic squeak. “I'll just, uh.” He took a deep breath and opened the laptop again, unconsciously curling his body away from Arin. “I'll figure it out for you, okay?”

“No big deal, dude. Hey, before we start recording I'll just play for a bit and start us off at wherever we're supposed to be.”

Arin turned off the mics, like he wanted to give Dan a few minutes of privacy. That was nice of him, just like the not laughing, but it also felt too much like pity. Dan pressed his lips together and waited until Arin seemed immersed in the game before he clicked to see the same revealing list of Google searches that Arin had looked at. He had to see exactly what Arin had seen before trying to come up with a stupid excuse or joke. Or maybe he just wanted to torture himself. His brain felt as scrambled as the eggs he'd just eaten.

Dan's eyes skimmed the list and he groaned inwardly. This couldn't have been more embarrassing if he'd tried. Hell, he would have rather been looking up furry porn than nine consecutive searches of different variants of _how to finger yourself as a guy_ and _where is the prostate_ and _what does a prostate orgasm feel like_. And of course, just for the ultimate embarrassment, _best anal lube_ and _beginner anal toys_ , completing the humiliating arc and leaving no doubt as to what exactly Dan had been up to and what the outcome of his stupid research had been. 

_It could be worse_ , Dan reasoned with himself, his face still flaming hot. _It's just fucking Arin, he doesn't care._

“Hey, I know,” Arin piped up, with an exaggerated casual smile. “I think I'm supposed to talk to someone else in the village first to activate something on the map!”

“Sure, that sounds right.” Dan managed not to squeak this time but his tone was still flat.

Arin hesitated. “Dan, hey.” 

“What?” Dan didn't mean to snap.

“You know it's totally fine, right?”

Dan groaned. “Don't.”

“It is,” Arin insisted. “Fuck, dude, it's no big deal.”

“You said that already.”

“Yeah, well, I mean it.” Arin threw the controller aside. “Seriously, you don't have to be embarrassed.”

“The more you say that, the more embarrassing this is gonna be.”

“It's just me,” Arin said. “You think I'm gonna judge you? I stick stuff up my ass all the time.”

“Arin.”

“I've told you flat out that I've had - ”

“Ar', please, just play the fucking game.”

Arin sighed. Dan could already tell that it was too late to try and start an episode like this. They were both decent actors, but most of their banter during a Grumps sesh had to be genuine. Just like Dan's playthrough of Link Between Worlds, his performance suffered if his mind wasn't in it.

“Fuck the game,” Arin said. “Stop looking like I just caught you burying a fucking body, Dan.”

“I'd kinda prefer that, to be honest,” Dan said dryly.

Arin laughed, and it wasn't mocking. Dan's rigid body relaxed a fraction of an inch. “Come on. It's just me. I'm your best friend.”

“Thanks.” This time it didn't come out harshly. To his own ears, Dan just sounded tense. Maybe a little bit sad.

“I'm glad you're trying new things,” Arin went on, encouragingly. “I think it's cool.”

Dan snorted. “Yeah, I feel really cool right now.”

“You should!” Arin waved an arm in the air. “It's stupid that some guys are so uptight with themselves. They're missing out, am I right?”

“If you say so.”

“What, you didn't like it?” Arin looked surprised. “Really?”

“ _Arin._ ” Try as he might, Dan couldn't stop a smile from tugging at the corners of his mouth. Arin sounded so stupidly earnest.

“Come on, tell me,” Arin cajoled. “Like I haven't told you all kinds of shit that I've done.”

That was true enough. “I didn't really, um.” Dan hesitated. The words felt like they were sticking in his throat. It wasn't that he didn't trust Arin enough to discuss intimate matters, but he never had been as cavalier with his personal life as Arin was. “I didn't end up doing anything. I mean, fuck. I - I did try, but - ”

“Was it your first time?”

Dan spluttered. “Is that so weird?”

“Not weird,” Arin said right away. “Totally not weird. What made you want to try, anyway?”

“I guess...” Dan started, slowly. “I was bored and alone, you know? And I've never done it before. I don't know if it's weird that I haven't. I'm forty-one and I've never tried – that. I don't want to be some boring old man, so out of touch that I don't even want to try new things. You've told me that it feels good, so...well you only live once, right?”

Arin laughed again. “Did you just pull a YOLO in twenty-fuckin'-twenty?”

Dan finally had to laugh too. “Yeah, I guess I did. Shit. Are we really talking about this?”

“Why not?”

“I don't know! Is this weird? I can't fucking tell any more.”

“Who the fuck cares!” Arin looked like himself again, his eyes sparkling and animated. “Who cares what other people think? It's not weird. What is 'weird', anyway? It's like the D Club motto. We talk about jacking off with each other, we get naked at the gym in front of other guys, we talk about fucking girls and stuff. So why is this any different? We don't have to care about not being gay or whatever the fuck. It's your ass, dude, have fun with it.”

“Thank you very much for your worldly wisdom, Arin.”

“Hey, if you ever have a prostate question, I'm your man.” Arin picked up the controller again and gave Dan a lecherous wink. “Now do you think you can stop sulking and help me out?”

“Yes,” Dan said, and then, “Wait, no.”

Arin blinked. “Alright. Want me to go make you a tea or something until you stop blushing like a fuckin' virgin?”

“I'm not blushing!” Dan protested indignantly.

Arin peered at him. “You totally are.”

“Am not.”

“Right. Whatever you say. Wanna talk about it some more, then?”

The question came out before Dan really thought about it. “Did you ever talk about butt stuff in the D Club?”

That threw Arin. He pushed his hair behind his ears and set the controller onto the arm of the couch. “Not really,” he started slowly. “But...”

“But what?”

Arin shrugged. “I wasn't at the butt stuff stage at that point in my life. I just hadn't gotten there yet. But, well, we did do more than just look at each other's dicks.”

“Really?” That did something weird to Dan's stomach, something he couldn't identify or put a name to. “Like what?”

“We talked about how we jerked off. Like we shared tips and shit, what kind of lube we used or whatever. Stuff like that. And where to get porn, and what we liked watching. And one time I maybe jerked off with one of the guys.”

“You jerked each other off?” Dan burst out. “Seriously?” He'd never heard that part of the story before. For a second he wondered if Arin was joking. 

But Arin didn't laugh. He just shook his head. “I didn't touch his dick. We just watched each other.”

“Oh.” Dan tried to wrap his head around the idea. “Was it...”

“It wasn't like a, you know, a _thing._ ” Arin hurried to say. “It was just fun. And even if we had jerked each other off it would have been the same thing. Just a couple of guys learning things and having a good time.”

“Just fun,” Dan repeated, frowning as he thought about that. The way Arin said it made it seem totally normal. Maybe it was. It was hard to tell with Arin. He was so confident, so matter-of-fact, even when admitting something so personal. And meanwhile Dan practically had a meltdown over Arin seeing his Google history. 

Suddenly, Dan was absurdly grateful that Arin was his friend. He couldn't picture himself having this conversation with Adam or Joe or Brian, even though he was close with them too. 

“Would you have done more?” Dan dared to ask. “If he straight up asked you, would you have gone further?”

“Maybe.” Arin shrugged like it was no big deal. “Dunno. Hard to say. I thought about it.”

“Really?”

“Sure. I mean, that wasn't new for me. I was curious. I told you about that guy when I was a teenager. The online friend.”

“The one you wanted to date.” There was that feeling again, that twinge in Dan's stomach. He ignored it.

“That's the one.” Arin shrugged again. “It's self-discovery, right? There's nothing wrong with asking questions and figuring stuff out. It helped me a lot. I was young and working out who I was and what I liked.”

“You were young,” Dan repeated. “I'm too old for this shit, aren't I?”

“It's not about age. Who gives a shit about that?”

“I do.”

“Why?”

It was Dan's turn to shrug. He wasn't sure why he'd been so caught up in the age factor, as if he was running out of time to figure something out. There had been a strange sense of urgency to his research, a sense that he was missing a piece of a puzzle. He wondered if somehow it was related to one of Arin's stories. Maybe Arin had made a joke, some reference to being pegged or fucked or something, and the memory had stuck somewhere in the back of Dan's head. That still didn't explain why Dan was hung up about being old, though. Was he just jealous of Arin? Jealousy wasn't usually something Dan had a problem with. It would be nice though, to be as confident as Arin when it came to this sort of thing.

“Well, you shouldn't care so much,” Arin declared. “Fuckin', go home tonight and just go to town. Get that good lube, get those fingers up your b-hole and see what you think.”

Dan spluttered out nervous laughter. “Arin!”

“What? It'll be fun. You'll see.”

“I already tried,” Dan said exasperatedly. “It didn't work.”

“What do you mean it didn't work?”

Dan set his jaw and made himself look Arin in the eye. “Um. What position are you in when you finger yourself?”

Arin was doing his best to be serious, but the question was so sudden and to the point that Dan didn't blame him for giggling. “It's hard, right? Like you can't see your own ass so you're just kinda flying blind, poking around, and you're twisting around trying to reach under your dick, and then that doesn't work so you try to stand up and reach behind your ass. And then your hand cramps up when you try to get your fingers in place, and you think, what the fuck, this sucks, there's no way I'm gonna get them in there. And the lube is everywhere and you're making a mess, and you think maybe you should just give up and jerk off.”

They both giggled like idiots.

“Okay, yeah, you're totally right.” Dan was oddly relieved that Arin could relate. “I wasn't very relaxed, and it felt weird.”

“And if you were tense and nervous, you were probably super fuckin' tight.”

Dan's face flushed for the hundredth time and he ducked his head. How could Arin just fuckin' _say_ shit like that? “Jesus, I don't know. I didn't even try to go in.”

“You gotta be relaxed. That's kind of important. I guess that's why you were looking for toys,” Arin mused. “Smart move. That's what I do, too. I, uh, don't use my fingers much.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it kinda sucks unless someone else is fingering you. Then that shit feels awesome.” Arin's smile grew dreamy. “You can just get into whatever position you want, get all comfy and shit. And they can move around and get the good angle, find that prostate, and you're golden. Five minutes later, you're coming all over yourself.”

“That good?” Dan hands were clenched in his lap. He unfolded them and looked at his fingers, long and knobbly. His gaze flickered to Arin's hands. 

“Once you're good and relaxed, and you get over the initial 'whoa, there's something in my asshole' feeling and just enjoy it...it's fuckin' incredible.”

Dan swallowed. “Well, I don't have a special lady like you,” he said. “I figured my own fingers would be the easiest option. I looked at some toys, but I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. They all look kinda...like even the beginner ones look scary. You're lucky that you have someone to help.”

Arin's smile flickered, but it came back so quickly that Dan was sure he'd imagined it. “I can help you pick something out,” he suggested. “I can probably find the first one I bought for myself.”

Dan's mind conjured up a helpful image of some of the dildos he'd looked at. They danced before his eyes, all wobbly and veiny and kind of fucking terrifying. There was one that had made him think of Arin, probably because it was hot pink. Of course Arin would pick something pink. 

“Nothing too extreme,” Dan said quickly, shaking his head to clear the parade of sex toys from his brain.

Arin snorted. “Of course not. You think I'm going to show you a fucking horse dildo or something?”

“Ew, Arin,” Dan protested, scrunching up his face. “I know that. I just mean – I don't want anything like – um – actual dick sized?”

“Whose dick are you judging that by? Some people have small dicks.”

“Arin, come on.” Dan punched him gently in the shoulder and Arin giggled. “Don't fuckin' tease me anymore. Fine, I trust you, alright? Send me that link if you find it. I can't promise I won't chicken out though.”

“Don't be a fuckin' chicken. I promise, it's amazing. Trust me. You'll never go back.” Arin glanced at his phone. “Listen, I'm gonna go make that tea anyway. You got me all worked up thinking about awesome butt stuff.”

“Make one for me too?”

“Of fuckin' course, dude.”

With Arin gone, the room seemed big and empty. Dan curled his legs under himself and tilted his body into Arin's side of the couch. He could feel the warm dent where Arin had been sitting. Dan thought about the way Arin's eyes had lit up when Dan had said _I trust you_ , and he thought about Arin's cocksure grin. He thought about Arin's hands, soft but strong, deft and capable. And he thought again of the D Club, and wondered which of the guys it had been. Did Arin still talk to him? He wondered who had been the first to ask if they could do more than just show and compare. It could have been Arin. Dan could imagine Arin grinning, going _You want to? It'll be fuckin' awesome, dude, trust me._ Or maybe Arin had been blindsided by the request. Maybe he was nervous, joking, his curiosity eventually outweighing his doubts.

Either way, Arin went through with it, and he clearly never thought it was weird, never thought it was anything out of the ordinary... 

_It was just self-discovery. Learning new things. Just a couple of guys having a good time._

When Arin came back, Dan summoned up every last ounce of courage and looked up at his face.

“Do you think it would be weird if we did stuff like you did in the D Club?”

“What?” Arin blinked. Carefully, he set the mugs down, one on either end table, on coasters. “You mean like, me and you?”

“Yeah.”

For the first time that night Arin looked truly taken aback. He looked at Dan oddly and Dan's bravery immediately melted away.

“Forget about it, that was stupid,” Dan said quickly. “I didn't mean – ”

“Whoa, whoa, hold on. I didn't say no. I was just surprised.” Arin ran his fingers through his hair. “I never thought you'd ever – well, fuck. Yeah, sure, I'd be down.”

“What, just like that?”

“Sure,” Arin said, all easy smiles again. “What's a best bro for? So what were you thinking exactly?” 

Dan started to chew on his fingernail again but stopped. _Not weird,_ he reminded himself. _Arin said it wasn't weird._ “Well. So you said it was easier when someone helped you, with the, um, with. The fingering.”

Arin snorted. “The fingering,” he repeated.

“Don't _laugh_.” Dan curled in on himself. “I just want to fuckin' do it, and I know I'll chicken out on my own.”

“You want me to do it?”

Dan glanced at Arin's face. He didn't seem freaked out. That was a good sign. “If you want. If you don't mind. Like you said, it's just. We're best friends. And – Suzy doesn't mind, right? She knew about the D Club.”

“She knows everything,” Arin said, and there was an odd weight to those three simple words that made Dan feel like he was missing something.

“Well, I trust you,” Dan told him after a moment of reflection. Now that it was out, he felt strangely exhilarated. There was something about Arin that made this conversation a lot easier than he would have ever imagined. Maybe it was his obvious sincerity when he'd said he wanted Dan to have fun. “You're the expert.”

“I dunno about expert,” Arin said, but he looked almost touched by Dan's words. “I know my way around a b-hole, though.”

Dan actually laughed. He felt giddy, lightheaded, maybe a little dizzy. A good kind of dizzy. “I guess I'll find out.”

“Next time you come over,” Arin promised, like they were just setting a date for lunch. He grinned. “I'll rock your world. Now find me a walkthrough that doesn't suck and let's start the episode.”

“Alright, alright! So pushy,” Dan grumbled, but he was smiling despite himself. He couldn't believe how easy this seemed or how excited he suddenly felt. He was nervous too, but he knew how to deal with nerves. “You know, for someone that complains about how Zelda games always hold your hand too much...”

Arin immediately took the bait and launched into a tirade that opened the recording session, and Dan collapsed against his side, laughing.


	2. ii.

“So should we just go for it or what?” Dan ventured, not five minutes after Arin had ushered him inside.

“What, so soon?”

Dan shrugged. His stomach was tight with nerves. He had the feeling that if he didn't just plow straight into this, he'd lose his confidence. “What else did I come over for?”

“To hang out with me,” Arin offered. “To spend some quality time with your best bro. We have all day to figure out what we want to do.”

“All day?” Dan blinked.

“Unless you have somewhere you need to be?” Arin lifted an eyebrow. 

Dan shook his head. “Of course I want to hang out with you. I mean – this isn't just about us, doing, you know. Or – I don't know, is it?”

“Up to you,” Arin shrugged. “I didn't set a schedule. We're just hanging out. Doing whatever we feel like doing. I figured a movie was a good place to start.”

“Where's the Suze?”

Arin paused. “In her office,” he said casually. “Working on her jewellery.”

“Did you tell her why I was coming?”

“Of course I told her.”

“Right. Of course.” Dan wound his fingers into his hair and tried to put his question into a coherent sentence. Arin hadn't set a schedule. He'd cleared almost a whole day, just for Dan. That made him feel all kinds of things, most of them pleasant. But there was a trickle of guilt, too. He knew Arin was always busy. And he knew too that Arin would move heaven and earth if Dan asked it of him. Was he taking advantage of Arin's kindness? “She doesn't feel like...like you didn't tell her she had to clear out or something, yeah?”

Arin gave him an odd look. “No. It's a big enough house. She has plenty to do. And she knows to knock if we're anywhere with a closed door.”

That was a good answer, even if it wasn't exactly what Dan had been wanting to know. _Stop being so vague and just fucking say what you mean_ , he chastised himself. “I don't want to have to disrupt her life just so we can do this,” he said. “Or yours, for that matter. I didn't want to make this a big deal.”

Arin's frown deepened. “You're not disrupting anything.”

“Are you sure?”

“You're my best friend, Dan. I asked you to come over.”

“I know,” Dan said hesitantly. “But maybe you just felt sorry for me.”

Arin actually rolled his eyes. “Dan, I love you, but you're being a fuckin' doofus right now. The only thing I feel sorry about is that you don't even know what an awesome time we're gonna have. And that you're tense as fuck because you've gotten yourself all worked up into thinking that you're being some kind of burden by coming to see me.”

“Point taken,” Dan said. A smile tugged at his lips. Arin's enthusiasm was contagious. “You are kind of doing me a big favour here, though.”

“It's not a favour, you fuck. Now stop being stupid. Did you eat? I could make you something.”

“I'd love that, but I ate just before I came over.” 

“Alright,” Arin said easily. “Another time. How about a movie, then?”

A laugh burst out of him before Dan could help it. “Netflix and chill? Seriously?”

“Just spitballing. Got another idea?”

“I guess not.” Dan sat on Arin's couch, on the very edge of the cushion. Arin, after a beat, sat next to him. Dan, as usual, was tipped towards Arin's side. When their knees touched, Dan jumped. It felt like he'd received a mild static shock. _What is wrong with me?_

Arin peered at him. “You're tense.”

“I'm not tense,” Dan shot back.

“Dude, you're totally fuckin' tense.” Arin touched Dan's shoulder. “See? Hard as a rock.”

“You don't know how hard I am.” 

Dan thought the joke fell flat, but Arin laughed anyway. His fingers felt warm and clammy against Dan's skin. Arin was sweaty. Maybe he was nervous too and doing a better job at hiding it. Or maybe that was a stupid thought. Arin's hands were always sweaty. 

“You should take a hot bath,” Arin suggested. “I bet Suzy will let you try one of her bath bombs. I'll ask her. It'll get your body feeling all good and loose.”

“Arin,” Dan said as primly as he could. “I most certainly do not want to hear you call anything _loose_ tonight.”

Arin broke up into giggles. “Well, fuck, last week you got all in a tizzy when I said you were probably tight.”

Dan buried his head into his arms, hiding his blush. “Can I just have a normal asshole, please?”

“Are you gonna be this self-conscious when I'm all up in there?”

“Don't _say_ it like that!” Dan threw a pillow. To his satisfaction, it smacked Arin right in the face. He made a satisfying splutter and threw it back, grinning. Dan caught it and held it in his lap.

It was all so normal. Just the two of them, being idiots as usual. Arin fished out the remote from somewhere under his butt and put on a movie, something that looked old and familiar. Dan managed to ease himself back into a more relaxed position, hugging the pillow to his chest. He was still wound up – how could he not be, knowing what they were going to do? - but the fizziness in his stomach had settled. 

“So what did you guys do in the D Club?” Dan asked him. “Before you just started fuckin' whipping out your dicks for show and tell.”

“Nothing. We just chilled.” Arin adjusted himself so that he was sitting in the corner, facing both the TV and Dan. He stretched his legs out in front of him and one foot bumped against Dan's thigh. “It wasn't like we had a formal meeting, with fuckin' minutes and shit.”

“Tuesday, ten o'clock, brunch. Ten-thirty, bro time. Eleven o'clock, dicks out,” Dan joked. “So was it always just random? Like you were hanging out and then just...went for it?”

“Fuck, I don't remember. It was just a thing we did sometimes, and then it stopped. We were all doing our own thing and hanging out less often. I had my animation shit. Some of them went to college. I haven't seriously thought about everything we used to do in ages.”

Dan thought that Arin maybe sounded a little bit defensive and immediately eased off. “Oh,” he said, wondering if maybe there was more to the story. “I guess it was a long time ago now.”

“Yeah.” Arin shrugged. “And I have a shit memory.”

“Huh,” Dan said. Arin's foot was warm. Dan bounced his leg up and down restlessly. He wondered if any of the guys in the D Club had ever been nervous before they fooled around, but Arin didn't seem to want to talk about them anymore. Maybe it was just so normal to him that he thought it was weird that Dan couldn't shut up about the whole thing. Arin had said the D Club was about being confident, just a bunch of guys not giving a fuck about what other people think. Dan could do that. He was probably even closer to Arin than those guys had ever been. He'd definitely known Arin longer. 

_Guys see each other naked all the time,_ Arin had said reasonably. That was true enough. Dan had seen tons of naked guys at the gym. He'd seen half of TWRP naked. He'd seen Brian naked, when they'd shared a hotel room. It had never been weird.

“Wait,” Dan blurted suddenly as something occurred to him. “Have you even seen my dick?”

“You've asked me that like five times. Pretty sure you've asked at least twice during recording sessions,” Arin said. “No, I haven't seen your dick. I saw you naked once for like, a second when you were getting out of the shower backstage. At The Rampart, in Detroit. You were facing away from me, though.”

“I don't remember that,” Dan said after a pause. “It seems weird that you haven't seen my dick.”

Arin rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “There you go again with that hang-up about being _weird._ ”

“It's not a hang-up,” Dan protested, but maybe it was. It seemed like he was always feeling out of touch, the odd one out. It hadn't occurred to him ever that his experience might not be the norm, not until his mid to late thirties. Some of his girlfriends seemed surprised that he was adamant about not wanting to try being touched anywhere near his ass. And Dan himself had told Arin about the time one of his friends had talked glibly about giving a blowjob, just to see what it was like. Dan had heard other things, heard his old Jersey friends laugh about kissing each other just to see what it was like, hearing them talk about experimentation, in college and beyond. 

And of course, there was Arin and his list of celebrity crushes. Arin and the faceless online 'boyfriend'. Arin talking openly about fingering himself and buying toys to put in his ass.

“I've never seen your dick either,” Dan mused out loud, and immediately wanted to smack himself.

Arin snorted. “Well, you've never asked.”

Dan stared hard at the TV for what seemed like an eternity, and his leg bounced so hard that Arin had to pull his foot away. 

“Do you want to?” Arin asked, nonchalant.

“What?” Dan's voice shot up two octaves.

“Do you want to see my dick?”

“I – I, um.” Dan grabbed his leg to make it stop moving. “Aren't we – Aren't I going to see it anyway, when you – whenever we get to the, um – ”

“Well, I don't have to be naked when I show you how to finger yourself,” Arin said with a smirk on his face that was making it hard for Dan to think. “But if you want me to be...”

“Well – well, that's – fucking, jesus Arin!” Dan flailed a hand. “If I have to be naked then you do too!”

“Hey, if you insist.” Arin shrugged. “Are you into watching this movie or should we just go to my room?”

Dan stared at the TV again, trying to figure out what they were watching. He recognized the actors, but whatever was going on was beyond him. He could tell that Arin was watching him again, waiting for an answer. When he didn't get one, he said, “Hey Dan, what movie is this?”

“What?”

“What movie are we watching?”

Fuck. Dan knew. He knew what this stupid movie was, he'd seen it a hundred times, and yet the words would not come. The answer dangled in his brain, blocked by thoughts of Arin and the stupid D Club and the blatant, loaded invitation to _go to Arin's room_ , where they had planned – where they were going to – 

_I'm going to rock your world,_ Arin had said, and if there was one thing Arin was good at, it was keeping his promises.

“I don't know,” Dan groaned, and ducked his head. “I can't fucking think straight.”

“Yeah, I thought so.” Arin turned off the TV. “You were right all along. You're going to get yourself way too worked up unless we do this now.”

Dan's legs couldn't move, not even when Arin stood up. He'd spent days mentally preparing for this, had thought about little else all last night. He'd spent all morning in the shower, letting the heat loosen his muscles, panting wetly as his soapy fingers rubbed his hole until he felt clean. Doing so had made his cock stir with interest. During his failed experiments, he'd always been too caught up in how foreign it felt to touch his asshole to concentrate on the potential pleasure in it. There were a lot of nerves back there, a lot of sensation even just on the outside, just like all the websites had told him. And now that he was about to go through with it, that curious heat was back, that whisper of a promise of pleasure.

Wordless, tongue-tied, Dan sat frozen. 

Arin laughed and offered him a hand. “Come on,” he said. “Let's go ravage that virgin hole.”

That somehow made Dan find his voice. “ _Arin!_ ”

“What?” Laughing, Arin tugged him to his feet. “Where's that Danny Sexbang confidence? Are you going to chicken out on me now?”

“I am confident,” Dan protested as he was turned toward the stairs. “I'm not going to back out.”

“Good.” Arin followed him down the hall, into his bedroom. When Dan opened the door, he saw that Arin had a bottle of lube sitting casually on the nightstand. That made Dan's heart skip a beat. The bottle was new, like Arin had bought it just for him. For _them._ Christ. 

Arin saw where he was looking and said, “You can take that home with you if you want. You're gonna use it again, I bet.”

“Oh yeah?” Dan made himself laugh. He was breathless from the stairs. “You think so?”

“I know so. After I find your prostate for you, you're definitely going to be buying all the toys you can get your hands on.”

Dan hesitated, then sat on the bed. “Are we just going to...go for it?” he asked, like he wasn't the one who'd fucking offered almost as soon as he walked in the front door.

“Up to you.” Arin closed the door behind them, and the sound of the latch clicking into place was as loud as a clap of thunder. Alone in Arin's room, the atmosphere seemed so much more intimate. “You're gonna have to take off those clothes first.”

“Right.” Dan took a deep breath. “Right.”

“Are you nervous about getting naked?”

“No,” Dan said, and to prove it he pulled his T-shirt over his head. His jeans followed, his belt buckle making a loud _clunk_ as it hit the floor. He'd stripped to his boxers a million times in front of Arin – hell, he'd done it in public, on stage, on camera. 

_But never in Arin's bed._

Dan gripped the waistband of his boxers. Arin hadn't moved. “Are you just gonna watch?” Dan asked him, almost accusingly. 

Arin blinked. “Yeah. I mean, no.” He promptly yanked off his tank top and shot it across the room. “Better?”

“It's a start.” Dan lifted his chin defiantly. “Keep going.”

“Your wish is my command, Daniel.”

Arin slid his pants to the ground and stepped out of them. His arms were sun-bronzed and defined, but his chest and stomach were pale. His underwear was riding low. Unlike Dan, Arin seemed to have no hesitation at all as he slid his fingers beneath the waistband and yanked them down. 

Some of the air seemed to get sucked out of the room as Dan looked at Arin fully naked for the first time. _A brontosaurus coming out of a bush,_ Ross had once joked, or had that been Barry? But Arin wasn't as hairy as Dan might have assumed from that odd description. His thighs were so much thicker than Dan's own, and his dick – his dick looked half hard, or maybe Arin was just that big. Dan couldn't help but stare. 

Arin didn't seem to mind. He grinned. “Like what you see?” 

“Um,” Dan said. “You're...are you...”

“Kind of half-chubbing it,” Arin admitted. He shrugged. “What can I say? I'm stoked that you're trying something new.”

“I'll take it as a compliment.” Dan had been going for a joking tone, but his words came out tight and breathless.

“You should. Alright, your turn.”

“Fair's fair.” 

Dan had to stand up to get his underwear down. He couldn't look at Arin while he did it. It was cold in Arin's room, but Dan felt hot all over. The fizzy feeling in his stomach was back. When he stepped out of his boxer briefs, he noticed that his dick seemed interested in what was about to happen, too.

_Of course you're excited. Arin told you how awesome it's going to feel._

Arin was looking at him. Their eyes met and held. Dan didn't feel as self-conscious as he thought he might have, but he felt knocked off balance. For all their talk about locker room nudity and getting nearly naked with each other regularly for years, this felt different. It didn't feel like the time Dan had seen Brian nude. It didn't feel like when he'd walked in on his bandmate. 

“There,” Arin said after a moment of silence. “Now I've seen your dick.”

“Am I in the D Club yet?” Dan asked weakly.

“You're the chairman of the D Club, Dan,” Arin said generously. “Now lay down and get comfortable.”

“Okay. Yeah.” Dan sat shakily. “Um, how do you want me?”

“Whatever feels right,” Arin said after a very pregnant pause. “I can work with it.”

Dan glanced at Arin's face. It looked pinker than usual in contrast to his pale white chest. “Alright,” he said. He turned over onto his hands and knees and laid in the middle of Arin's bed. His dick liked being rubbed up against the soft cotton sheets. Dan could feel it swelling further. He closed his eyes and tried to think about something else.

The bed dipped as Arin climbed on beside him. Dan grabbed a fistful of sheets. _This is happening so fast,_ he thought dizzily. This was real – there was no turning back now. Arin was about to put his fucking fingers in his ass. 

“Oh my God,” Dan blurted. “Arin, wait.”

Arin chuckled. “I'm not doing anything, dude.”

“I know. I know. I – I'm gonna need a few minutes before you – ”

“Hey,” Arin soothed, his deep voice soft. “Calm down. I'm not going to do anything without asking you first, alright? Just relax.”

“Trying.” Dan breathed slowly, in and out. The pillow smelled like Arin's hair. He pressed his face into it and reminded himself that this was okay, it wasn't weird, it wasn't a _thing_. Arin was his best friend, and Arin had done stuff like this before. Arin knew what he was doing and he just wanted to help Dan learn something new. Arin was practically an expert.

The bed moved again. “I'm going to touch your back, okay? Just your back.”

“Okay,” Dan murmured.

Arin's hand pressed down lightly between Dan's shoulder blades, a sudden blazing warmth on Dan's skin. He kept it there, stroking his fingers back and forth until something loosened in Dan's chest and his breath came more easily. Then there were two hands on him, moving alongside Dan's spine with just the right amount of pressure. 

“Mmm,” Dan breathed, his body melting into the touch. For such a big man, with all his bulging muscles, Arin was incredibly gentle. Dan had always liked that about him. “That feels good. Am I getting a massage?”

He thought he could hear Arin's smile. “If you ask nicely.”

“Oh,” Dan said. He wanted to say _please_ but something about saying that word while being facedown on Arin's bed made him blush again. He cleared his throat and wriggled his hips as if trying to get more comfortable. Between his legs, his cock throbbed, and Dan had to shift his weight to accommodate it. 

Arin just kept rubbing his back, seemingly unbothered that Dan hadn't replied. Every time he got close to the base of his spine, Dan felt a rush of anticipation, but Arin never went further. After a few minutes, Dan was tired of waiting.

“Hey, Ar',” he started. He could feel his heart beating in his throat. “Are you gonna keep your hands above my waist the whole time, dude?”

“Well, I thought it might be rude to just go straight for your butt.”

Dan huffed out a laugh into the pillow. “I appreciate it, but as long as you tell me before anything goes in there, you can touch wherever you want.”

“Yeah?” Arin slid his hands down Dan's back again, but this time he finally went lower. His palms rested on the swell of Dan's hips. “Is this okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that's cool.” 

“How about this?”

Dan sucked in a breath as Arin finally cupped his ass. “Whoa. That feels...”

“Good?” Arin supplied, sounding pleased.

“Mmm. Yeah.” Dan stretched his arms out and gripped the headboard, hooking his fingers through the slats. This wasn't too weird. Arin had touched his butt playfully before. He could handle this. So far, so good. Arin was going nice and slow, just getting him accustomed to the feeling of being touched.

“You've got a nice ass, dude.”

Dan started. “Really?” 

“Why do you sound so surprised?” Arin squeezed gently. “It's a great butt.”

“Thanks,” Dan managed, biting back a moan. Arin was inadvertently pushing his hips into the bed, applying pressure to his cock. He was mostly hard now, his dick trapped between his body and the mattress. It felt nice to be touched. He couldn't deny that he liked the compliment, too. Nobody had ever told him that he had a nice butt. That seemed like something that Arin probably heard a lot.

“No problem, man.”

Dan braced himself for the next question, but again, Arin didn't seem to be in a hurry. His hands moved to Dan's thighs, back up to his hips, sweeping across his lower back and then cupping around Dan's tiny waist, like Arin wanted to see how far he could wrap his fingers around it. 

Goose bumps rose on Dan's arms and heat prickled up his spine. How long was Arin going to tease him? Or was he really waiting for Dan to _ask nicely_ this time?

“I think I'm ready,” Dan ventured.

“Yeah?” Arin sounded odd, like his mind was somewhere else.

Dan's confidence shook slightly. “I mean – am I?”

Arin laughed and seemed to come back to himself. “I can't answer that for you.”

“Do I um, feel relaxed enough?”

“You're kind of twitchy,” Arin said. “But yeah, you look good. I mean, you don't feel tense.”

“Okay.” Dan swallowed. “Okay. Show me your magic already, then.”

“Hold on.” 

The bed moved sharply to the side as Arin grabbed the bottle of lube from the dresser. Dan heard Arin pop the lid open, heard a wet squelch as he squeezed some out, presumably onto his fingers. Dan held on more tightly to the headboard.

“Could you maybe open your legs a bit?” 

Dan's face burned. He nudged his thighs apart until he felt ridiculously exposed. That was kind of the point, he reminded himself. Arin had to be able to see what he was doing. “Is that good?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that's perfect.” The cap snapped closed. Arin placed the bottle on the bed. “I'm going to touch you. Just on the outside.”

“Okay.” Dan braced himself, but nothing could prepare him for the intimate touch. He gasped as Arin's lube-slick fingers ran down his cleft and over his asshole. “Holy shit, Arin.”

Arin chuckled. “Was that a good or bad 'holy shit'?”

“I don't know. Good. I think. I – Arin - _oh._ ” Words failed him. Arin was tracing a gentle circle around his hole. 

“See,” Arin said, his voice a low rumble. “I told you so.”

Dan's mouth opened but nothing came out. It felt strange, knowing that it was Arin touching him, but it felt good too. Better than when Dan touched himself back there. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Arin pick up the bottle of lube again, and this time he drizzled it directly between Dan's cheeks. 

“Ah!” Dan yelped, and Arin giggled. 

“Sorry. Should have warned you.”

“It's okay.” Dan shivered. He was dripping wet and the air was cold. His legs were spread so wide that he could feel the air on his hole. He was so exposed, spread out for Arin, wet and dripping.

 _He's so good at this,_ Dan thought, as Arin continued to tease him, working him up, his fingers moving expertly around the sensitive area. His free hand kept rubbing Dan's lower back. The touch grounded him, soothed him.

And then Arin pressed his slick thumb to Dan's taint, rubbing a firm circle. 

“What was _that_?” Dan gasped, twitching. A faint shock had stuttered through him. The feeling was gone as soon as it had come.

Arin sounded like he was smirking. “You didn't know that you can kinda stimulate your prostate like this, from the outside?”

“I think...Think you told me that, once.” Now that the shock had faded, Dan wanted more. “Do it again?”

“I could,” Arin said, stroking his fingers back and forth over Dan's asshole. “Or I could show you something even better. You think you're ready for me to finger you?”

Dan's heart shot into his throat. He was still nervous, but his arousal was stronger than the fear. He was as ready as he'd ever be. “If you go slow. Only one. For now, at least.” 

“Fuck, of course, don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you. It's just gonna feel a little weird at first.”

“Weirder than you touching my taint?”

“Yeah, but don't worry. You'll get used to it.”

“Go for it, then.” Dan had managed to sound confident, but he practically choked on his tongue when Arin started to press one finger inside. “ _Oh._ Oh, wow, okay. This is happening.”

“Hell yeah it is.”

The tip slid in him so easily, without any of the resistance Dan had felt against his own finger when he'd tried it himself. It did feel weird, just like Arin had said, but Dan concentrated on breathing in and out until his body adjusted.

“Talk to me,” Arin said. “How does it feel?”

“I don't know,” Dan said honestly. It definitely didn't hurt, but it didn't feel good or bad. It just felt like – like a finger in his ass. He couldn't get over that it was Arin inside him, opening him up. He laughed breathlessly. “Um, it just feels like...strange, but not in a bad way.”

“That's good.” Arin pushed in a little further. “It'll get better, I promise.”

Something pulsed through Dan's groin as he felt the slight bump of Arin's knuckle sliding past the rim. The sensations were getting more intense the deeper Arin went. Arin's finger felt so much bigger than Dan would have thought. There was still no pain, not even a hint of it, but it didn't feel as awesome as Arin had always said. But still – he didn't want the feeling to stop.

Arin started to slide the digit back out. Dan's body instinctively clenched around it like he wanted to keep it there. He heard Arin chuckle quietly as he withdrew almost all the way, and then pushed back inside with one smooth motion.

“Oh,” Dan moaned out loud, arching up off the bed. _That_ was definitely good, the feeling of it sliding back into him. He liked the motion, the sweet friction inside him. It felt less clinical. More intimate – like the act of pleasure this was supposed to be. “Oh, okay, wow. I get it now. Oh my God, Arin.”

“You're doing really well.” There was a hitch in Arin's voice. “Fuck, Dan.”

The praise made Dan moan again. “I...I'm not even doing anything, it's all you.”

“Then let me show you something. You ready?”

“What, do you already know where it is, or – _aaah_!” 

Arin had curled his finger and the pressure inside him changed. Suddenly, a bright flare of pleasure bloomed, a blast of warmth and electricity that radiated through his whole body. Dan cried out again, open-mouthed against the pillow. 

Arin pressed him back down against the mattress. “Easy now,” he chuckled. “So that's your p-spot, Dan. Right there, easy to find.” He wiggled his fingers and Dan nearly bit off his tongue. “This is why they make all those toys with a curve to them. Feels fucking good, doesn't it?”

 _Good_ didn't come close to describing it. Dan was panting, his head spinning. “Jesus,” he moaned thickly. “It was amazing. I've never felt anything like that before.” 

Arin slid his finger in again, and Dan held his breath, but this time Arin didn't touch his prostate. He seemed to be purposely avoiding it, rubbing just alongside it, sending tiny prickles of electricity through Dan's groin.

“Do it again,” Dan demanded. He tried to move his hips, forcing Arin's finger towards that spot again.

“Oh, now you're getting greedy,” Arin teased. “You like being in charge, huh?”

“Arin...” Dan bit back a whine as Arin pulled almost all the way out. 

“I should have known you'd be a little power bottom.”

Dan clutched the headboard, unable to think of a comeback. Arin sounded so smug. “You're so fucking – oh, oh _fuck!_ ” Arin had curled his finger again, setting off fireworks in him.

“I'm so fucking what? So good at this?”

“Yes,” Dan gasped. He hadn't expected Arin to fucking tease him while he did this. He hadn't expected to _like_ the torment. His thighs were shaking. The friction inside him seemed to go up and up and up, filling him with a curious ache. He wanted more.

“You want to try two fingers?”

Dan felt like he'd agree to anything. He opened his mouth to say yes, and what came out was a broken “Please.”

Arin withdrew his finger, leaving Dan feeling open and empty. “Let me get in a better position. Could you - ” 

Dan jumped at the touch of Arin's hand on his thigh. Arin pushed insistently until Dan got the hint and spread his legs further apart until Arin had room to kneel between them. 

“That's better,” Arin said, sounding satisfied. He popped open the bottle of lube and squirted another dollop between Dan's cheeks, using his fingers to spread it around before he went back in with two.

Two fingers felt like a hell of a lot more than one, and Dan could feel his hole straining to accommodate them. The stretch made Dan groan. He scrabbled at the headboard, gasping as Arin pushed them inside to the knuckle. The angle was different now, even better than before. Arin could twist his hand and move the fingers back and forth inside him, rubbing circles around that crazy spot in him instead of just prodding at it. Dan could feel wetness on the sheets beneath him, and it took him longer than it should have to realize that it was his own cock leaking.

“Arin,” Dan croaked urgently.

Arin immediately stopped moving. His fingers withdrew. “Are you okay?”

Dan's laugh was a dry gasp. “I'm fine. Better than fine. Um. I might – if you don't stop, I might, um – I didn't expect – ” God, he couldn't fucking say it. “You might have to let me up so I can go jerk off in the bathroom. This is getting way too intense.”

“I thought that was the point. Why would you have to go do it in the bathroom?”

“The point?” Dan swallowed. He turned his face to the side, trying to look at Arin. “I thought...you were just showing me where my prostate is.”

“And you want me to stop now that you know?” Arin sounded bemused. 

“I...I don't want you to stop, but I also want to cum.” Dan made himself laugh. “You were right, dude, it feels crazy good.”

“Then let me make you cum,” Arin said, totally nonchalant.

Dan's eyes went wide. “What?”

“Why not? Dude, trust me, you want to cum while you have something in there. It's way different.”

“Jesus, Arin.” Dan exhaled. “I, um, oh wow. I – really?”

Arin laughed and leaned forward. His long hair tickled between Dan's shoulders. “What did you think I meant when I said I'm going to rock your world?”

“Thought you were just exaggerating,” Dan said weakly. “Thought you were hyping me up.”

“Well, whatever you wanna do, just let me know. It's up to you.” 

“What do _you_ want?” Dan asked instead of answering.

“I just wanna make you feel good, Dan. Whatever that means to you.”

Arin was going to make him answer. God. Dan tried to focus, to collect his scrambled thoughts. He was still hard as a rock, and Arin's weight on him felt good. More than good. Arin was being so gentle and sweet. He touched Dan's hair, sweeping it off the back of his neck. Dan trusted him, and yet – letting himself completely fall apart from his touch seemed like a bigger deal than just having Arin's fingers in him. For all their talk about the D Club and just friends doing each other favours, this suddenly didn't feel like something casual. It didn't feel like an experiment or a lesson. If this was about giving Dan pleasure, it wasn't just messing around. It was – it was – 

_Am I having sex with Arin?_

The thought punched him right in the gut. Dan couldn't handle it. Nor could he handle the way his stomach filled with butterflies. For one wild moment he imagined Arin leaning down to press a kiss to the back of his bared neck. Dan didn't know where that came from. He didn't know what the fuck he was doing, or why a kiss seemed like a shocking thought after Arin's fingers had been in him. He'd never had sex with a friend before. He wasn't into casual sex – or was he? - but this wasn't casual, this was fucking _Arin._

The phrase _fucking Arin_ whirled in Dan's mind until he was dizzy again.

“Still with me?” Arin squeezed his shoulder.

“Do it,” Dan blurted, and pushed his face back into the pillow before he could do something stupid like ask for a kiss. “Keep going. I want – I want to see what you mean by it being different.”

“Alright. You're gonna have to lift up.”

“Lift up?”

“Or you can hump the mattress,” Arin laughed. “I just thought it'd be easier for you to touch your dick if you got on all fours.”

Dan blushed furiously. “Right. Um.” He placed his hands on either side of his head and tried to push himself upright. He couldn't seem to make his muscles respond. 

“Here, I've got you.” Arin tugged at his hips.

“Arin!” Dan squeaked as his ass was lifted into the air. “Jesus!”

“What?” Arin laughed again. “You looked like you needed help.”

There was no hiding anything now. Dan couldn't even begin to imagine the view that Arin had. Dan was completely exposed, his sack hanging heavy, his cock pointing straight down, red and hard. Beneath him, there was a wet puddle, bright and shiny. Arin could see everything. Dan couldn't tell how that made him feel. Nobody had ever looked at him like this, all spread out and shaking. He had to close his eyes. 

Arin knelt behind him, and Dan whimpered.

“Hey,” Arin said, putting a hand on Dan's hip. The gentle touch made Dan stop shaking. “It's okay, you look good.”

Dan huffed out a laugh. “Sure.”

“I mean it.” Arin's fingers trailed back to Dan's hole. “Don't think about it, just focus on how this feels.”

“Oh my God.” Dan squeezed his eyes shut as Arin slipped in slow and filled him back up. “Oh my _God._ ”

“Fuck yeah, right?” Arin sounded – he sounded so _normal_ , just stoked that Dan was enjoying himself, like he did when he showed Dan something new or fed him something he'd made. “Dude, touch yourself, it's awesome.”

Dan dropped onto one elbow, leaning his weight forward so he could get his left hand underneath his body. His cock was steel wrapped in velvet, hot to the touch. He almost cried out as he stroked himself. He was leaking like crazy. When Arin curled his fingers in that magical way again, Dan could literally feel his cock pulse in response, and more pre-come dripped down his shaft.

“Is that good?” Arin thrust his hand in and out, keeping a steady pace that was driving Dan mad. “Is this going to make you come?”

Dan could only answer with a shuddering moan. 

“Good,” Arin said, satisfied. “Go for it, then.”

Dan's hand worked over his cock. His body was flooded with heat and pleasure. Every time the pads of Arin's fingers brushed up against that spot, a noise came out of Dan's mouth, higher and louder every time. The pleasure quickly eclipsed any embarrassment he might have felt. It eclipsed the confusion too, and the self-consciousness. Dan's brain was a blank slate and his body was on fire. Arin matched the pace of Dan's hand, speeding up when Dan did and rubbing his prostate with each stroke.

“I'm gonna - ” Dan's back heaved as he gasped for air. “Arin, fuck, I'm going to – ”

“Yeah,” Arin breathed. “Come on, man, do it, just go for it.”

Dan worked his hand faster. He was leaning back into Arin's thrusts, fucking himself on Arin's hand shamelessly. “Oh, fuck,” he cried out. “Fuck - _Arin_ \- ”

Dan's muscles went taut. He threw his head back and cried his pleasure at the ceiling. His hole was gripping at Arin's fingers, making the penetration even more intense. God, he felt so _full_. His legs wobbled as a wave hit him full blast, plunging him over the edge. Dan's cock jerked and spurted, painting the sheets below in long stripes of pearlescent white.

“That's it,” Arin said with satisfaction. He stopped thrusting and just pushed his fingers downward, putting relentless pressure on Dan's prostate. “Fuck yeah, that's it.”

The pleasure just kept coming, weaker spurts spilling hot and wet over his fingers, more cum than Dan thought was possible. Arin eased up, but the waves didn't stop, incredible rolling aftershocks that felt almost like weak orgasms themselves. Dan had never felt anything like it in all his forty-one years. His body felt like it was being wrung dry. The sounds coming from his mouth would have been embarrassing if Dan had been able to hear them.

It was an eternity before Dan was released from the grip of pleasure. Dan's exhausted body sagged. The fullness of Arin's fingers in his ass was too much now, like the odd almost-painful sensation of touching his spent cock after coming. Dan whimpered and said “Arin - ”

“I've got you.” Arin slipped his fingers free and helped Dan gently lay back down, moving him to the side so that he didn't flop into the mess he'd made on Arin's bed. 

Dan was trembling uncontrollably, the muscles still twitching. “Holy shit,” he gasped when he was finally able to speak. “Holy _shit._ ”

“What did I tell you?” Arin said, grinning at him. “Fucking awesome, right?”

“I've never come that hard in my life,” Dan said honestly. He rolled onto his back and blinked up at the ceiling. “I feel like I never want to move again.” 

Arin reached for a towel on the nightstand. Dan looked over at him and saw that Arin's right hand was drenched with lube, his fingers shining. The fingers that had been up Dan's ass. Dan stared, his stomach fluttering as Arin wiped them clean. 

And then his gaze moved down Arin's body, down to the juncture of his pale thick thighs.

“You're hard,” Dan said stupidly.

“Oh,” Arin paused. “Yeah.”

Dan frowned. Maybe seeing Dan having such a good time reminded Arin of how good it felt when Suzy pegged him or something. That was good, if Arin kind of enjoyed it too. He deserved it.

“Well, are you just going to ignore it and blue ball yourself?”

For the first time, Arin was the one to look unsure. He looked at Dan, his eyes dark behind the fall of his sweat-damp hair. “Would you be freaked out if I took care of it here?”

After what they'd done, it should have seemed tame. But Dan didn't know how to feel. His belly squirmed, but not in an unpleasant way. 

“No,” Dan said after a beat. “I mean...fair's fair, right?”

Arin shrugged. “I guess you're right.”

Dan watched him slick his hand with lube again. His left hand, Dan noticed. Dan liked to use his non-dominant hand to jerk off, too. Or maybe Arin's other wrist was sore after what he'd done for Dan.

 _He's huge,_ Dan realized suddenly, with an odd feeling in his chest. It looked even bigger in Arin's hand. His pubic hair gleamed copper in the light, like Arin's beard. Dan looked at the size of it, comparing it to the width of Arin's fingers, remembering how thick his fingers had felt in him. How could anyone handle that much more? He couldn't imagine how it would feel. It had to hurt. 

“Is this okay?” Arin asked, stroking himself tentatively.

“Yeah. Is it okay if I watch?” The words came out before Dan could really think about them.

Arin's face coloured. “Yeah. If you want.”

“Cool,” Dan managed a smile. _Not weird._ “Go for it.”

The sound of Arin's hand moving up and down on his cock was loud in the quiet room. Dan could hear Arin's breath, quick and shaky as he pleasured himself. He was quieter than Dan was, when he jacked off. Or maybe Arin was holding back. The muscles in Arin's arm were taut and defined as he tightened his grip and stroked faster. 

Dan glanced up at Arin's face to see that his eyes were closed and his lips were parted. His forehead was creased, like he was thinking about something. Or someone. Either way, Dan was free to look wherever he wanted. _He saw all of me, it's only fair that I get to look at him._

“Come on,” Dan urged, like Arin had done for him. He didn't want to break Arin out of whatever fantasy he had going on, but he did want Arin to finish. He felt bad that Arin had waited so long. His cock looked so flushed and painful. 

“Fuck,” Arin exhaled. A bead of sweat dripped down his forehead and landed on his chest. His skin was glistening all over. “Unh...”

“Easy, big cat,” Dan said softly. He reached out and touched Arin's thigh. The muscle jumped beneath his hand and Dan squeezed it reflexively. 

Arin shuddered and came.

Dan watched, wide-eyed. When he looked up at Arin's face, Arin was looking back at him. His orgasm had brought a fever-bright shine to his eyes and his hair was plastered to the sides of his face. 

“Better?” Dan asked, smiling. In an odd way, seeing Arin on the spot like this made everything less awkward.

“Oh yeah.” Arin made a face and wiped the jizz off his stomach. “I, uh, normally last a lot longer than that, I swear.”

Dan laughed and laid his head on Arin's shoulder. _Why does this seem so normal?_ he wondered. _Why does this feel so good?_ He wanted to wrap his arms around Arin's chest and feel his heartbeat, wanted to tease him and see if he could make Arin blush. He wanted Arin to tell him again how good he'd been. Maybe next time...

 _What are you doing?_ a different voice in his head asked. _He's your friend. It's not a thing. You're not special. He's done this before, he only wanted to help you out. There is no next time, you idiot._

It was like a bucket of ice water dumped over Dan's head. His grin faded. 

Arin looked at him and his brow furrowed. “You wanna pass out for a bit?”

A nap was tempting. But Dan didn't think he'd be able to sleep. “I'm not really tired,” he lied. “Besides, I feel kinda gross.”

“That's cool, man, anything you want.” Arin gave him a half hug and rolled off the bed. Dan could hear him walking around, picking up his scattered clothes. “You can use the shower in here, it's nicer than the main bathroom.”

“Yeah. Maybe that's a good idea.” Dan sat up, too fast. His head spun. Arin had put Dan's clothes on the nightstand, along with a fresh towel. He took the towel gratefully and covered himself before awkwardly scooting off the bed. The lube was drying sticky in his crack. It was cold in Arin's room and Dan started to shiver. Arin had been radiating warmth, keeping the chill at bay.

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, of course.” Dan tried a smile. The light streaming through the blinds gleamed off Arin's hair in little twinkly points. Arin's bleached streak was a washed-out rosy colour. He felt woozy, all loopy and drunk like he always got after jerking off. _You mean after sex,_ a voice in his brain corrected, but Dan clamped down on that fast. 

He blinked the stars out of his eyes. “Let me go clean up? I won't be long.”

“Cool,” Arin said. “I'll be downstairs when you're done.”

Their eyes met for a moment. Dan felt a lump in his throat. He swallowed it down determinedly.

“See you in a bit,” he called, and hurried into the bathroom to be alone with his thoughts.


	3. iii.

Dan's heart was pounding. Once the bathroom door closed he could hear it thumping in his ears. When he looked into the bathroom mirror, his colour was high and his eyes were bright and sparkling. 

The close confines of Arin's shower forced him to stay still and calm. With his eyes closed, Dan lifted his face into the spray and let the hot water envelop him. He'd always liked the relentless noise of being in the shower. 

It was like TV static. Mindless. Blank. Dan let himself fall prey to it until he felt numb and his racing heart slowed. 

At some point, and soon, he was going to have to deal with what had just happened. Dan knew that, and he wasn't trying to run away from it. He just knew himself and his obsessive tendencies too well to let himself handle things while he was still all worked up.

Dan rubbed a bar of soap all over himself until the stickiness of the lube was gone. The steam made his body feel good. Just a little while longer, and he'd get out and go join Arin, and he'd talk about things like the level-headed adult he was. The longer he stood there beneath the spray, the more his mind slowed, and things didn't seem nearly as complicated. 

He reached for the conditioner, meaning to smooth some through his hair just to make sure he didn't end up looking like an electrocuted poodle after it dried, and the sweet summery-coconut scent hit him right in the face. 

Dan's eyes snapped open. He recognized that smell from all the times Arin had hugged him or cuddled up with him on the Grump couch. It wasn't as sharp of a scent as Dan's own cologne that he'd dotted on his neck before he'd come over. It was more of a subtle, refreshing smell. Comforting and soft. Dan ran it through his hair, scrunching it into the dry ends, and his heart gave a weird double-thump. 

Suddenly the shower felt cold and lonely, despite the scalding temperature of the water. 

Dan turned off the water and climbed out of the tub. There was a clean towel hanging on the back of the door. And when he stepped out of the bathroom, he saw that Arin had left his clothes for him just outside the door. Dan pulled them on hastily and made his way downstairs.

His heart thumped again when he caught sight of Arin, sitting on the couch in just his boxers and tank top. In front of him was a spread of takeout containers.

“I ordered food,” Arin said by way of greeting, and his easy smile calmed Dan's nerves. 

Dan looked at the logo on the paper bag. “Oh shit, that's my favourite Thai place.”

“I know. I got you some green curry, or there's veggie rolls. And there's noodles. We ended up with an extra side. No spicies on anything, just for you.”

“Spicies,” Dan repeated, smiling. “Thanks, big cat.”

“No problem. I figured you'd be hungry. You took ages in there.” Arin opened one of the plastic containers and dug in. “I was just about to come check on you.”

Dan was astute enough to recognize it as a tactful way of asking the inevitable question. “I'm fine. I just...it was a lot, you know? I guess I needed some time to think about it.”

“That's fair.” Arin nudged Dan's food over to him as Dan sat next to him on the couch. “As long as you had fun.”

It was another indirect question. Dan nodded. “It was better than I expected,” he said truthfully. “I mean, I know you've told me how good it feels, but that was incredible. But...”

Arin looked up. “But what?”

Dan cursed himself. How was he supposed to explain it to Arin if he couldn't even figure it out himself? “It's hard to explain.”

“No rush, man.” Arin poked at his food.

 _He thinks he did something wrong._ “It's not you. Nothing's wrong, I swear. I'm just, uh...conflicted, I guess.”

“Conflicted how?”

Dan searched for the right words to describe the strange feeling in his chest. “But I guess I thought...that it would be, like, I would do it once and then figure everything out. Like I'd either love it or hate it, and that's it. That was the whole point, right?”

“Right, I guess,” Arin said slowly. “I mean, yeah, if that's all you wanted to know.”

“And I did like it,” Dan assured him. “It was great. _You_ were great. I guess it hit me after it happened that we...you know. It was more than I had been expecting.”

“Did I go too far? Did I say something that made you feel uncomfortable?”

“No. God no. I mean, it was a little overwhelming when you were...you know, talking to me so much during it. But I liked it. A lot.” It felt so daring to say that. That struck Dan as funny. Arin had just made him come, had stared right into his _asshole_ , for fuck's sake, and then Dan had watched him jerk off. But admitting that he'd liked Arin's playful banter was somehow making him feel embarrassed.

“Is that what's bothering you?” Arin probed. “That you were able to enjoy being teased a little?” 

Dan shook his head. “I guess...you made me realize that there could be so much more to it. Like I was missing out on more than I ever imagined. So now I just feel...I don't know. Like I want more.”

Arin seemed to relax. “Well fuck, that's awesome, isn't it? Go for it, dude. Enjoy yourself.”

Dan reached for a spring roll to give himself time to think. It was still too hot to bite into and he split it in half to cool. 

It wasn't just that he'd enjoyed the physical sensation. He hadn't just liked being fingered - he liked the intimacy of doing it with _Arin._ Maybe that was weird, because Arin was his friend – or maybe it was just natural. Arin made him feel safe. Arin made him feel confident. And Arin made him feel a little competitive too, because Dan liked to impress him. He'd been such a chicken when it was just himself in his bedroom with an old bottle of KY Jelly and his slippery fingers. But with Arin, Dan didn't want to back down. And the payoff had been amazing. 

And Dan kind of wanted to do it again.

“What was it like after you and that guy jerked off together?”

Arin hadn't been expecting a question lobbed back at him. “I dunno. We kind of laughed and then we just hung out.”

“It wasn't weird? Like you didn't feel – closer?”

“No. But Dan, it wasn't – shit, it wasn't as serious as you seem to think it was. We were practically kids. We were just goofing around.”

“Did you ever do it again?”

“Nah.”

“Did you _want_ to do it again?”

“With him? No, not really.”

“Oh.” Dan couldn't tell how that made him feel. “But that's because, you and him...you weren't close, were you?”

Arin shook his head. “I had known him for like, a year.”

“And it wasn't a thing. It was just about trying something new.”

“Right.”

Dan's leg bounced restlessly. “What if he asked you to do something else?”

“I guess it would depend on what he wanted.”

“But it still wouldn't be a thing. Even if you did more, it would still just be...exploration.”

“That would all depend on what he wanted, too.” Arin shrugged and twirled rice noodles around his fork.

 _Just fucking ask him, you idiot,_ the voice in Dan's head yelled. _Stop going around in circles._

“What if I wanted to do it again?” Dan asked quietly. 

“With me?”

“Yeah.”

Arin blinked. “Is that what was bothering you?”

Dan nodded. 

“What, so you just want to see if it's any better the second time around, or...”

 _Yes,_ Dan thought, almost shivering as he thought about being spread open again, with Arin kneeling behind him. 

“Maybe we should try something else.” Dan didn't even know what he was saying. “Maybe I could buy a toy, like one of those special curved dildos, and you can put it in me.”

Arin missed his mouth with his fork and said, “Fuck” as he dropped a piece of chicken on the floor. He immediately bent to clean up the splatter of sauce it had left and Dan couldn't see the expression on his face. Dan's stomach tied itself into knots as Arin fussed with the stain and wiped everything up with one of the paper towels from the takeout bag. It seemed to be taking him way too long to answer.

“Kind of feeling like a freak here, Arin,” Dan grumbled. 

“Sorry. Shit.” Arin stuffed the tissues into the empty paper bag. He rubbed his face where he'd stabbed himself with the plastic fork. 

Dan's courage was fading. “Look, if you don't want to, that's cool too. It's just that – you were good. Really good. And I just thought, since you're such an expert - ”

Arin raised a hand to stop him. “Don't freak out. I'm not saying no. Definitely not saying no.”

“Oh.” Dan bit his lip. “Are you sure? I don't want to pressure you.”

“Pressure me?” Arin repeated incredulously. 

“I mean I don't want you to do this because I want to. I only want it if we're both going to have fun.”

“Dan. In case you didn't know, I absolutely had fun. If that wasn't obvious, then I don't know what to tell you.”

“It was, um.” Dan's tongue tripped over the words. “Yeah, I guess that was hard to miss, with you being – ah – excited.” 

Arin snorted. “I was gonna say, I dunno how you could forget when you were staring right at it.”

“Arin!”

“What?” Arin grinned. “You were the one who asked to watch.”

Dan's belly squirmed. “Was that weird?”

“Fuck no. It just surprised me. In a good way.”

That was fair. Dan had surprised _himself._ “Yeah, well, I'm full of surprises, apparently.”

Arin laughed. “You really are.”

There was something teasing about the look Arin gave him. Dan raised an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”

“I mean, I always knew you had a hell of a set of pipes, but shit, I always pegged you as being more of the silent type in bed.”

“Arin!” Blood rushed to Dan's face. 

Arin's eyes lit up to see Dan blush. He loved getting Dan riled up. “I gotta say, I was surprised you didn't scream when you came, the way you just kept getting louder and louder.”

“Oh my _God._ ” Dan curled his legs up under him. “I'm not usually that loud. It was intense, okay? I couldn't help myself.”

Arin chuckled. “Oh, I'm not complaining. I like getting feedback on my performance.”

“I think it was pretty obvious how much you liked it,” Dan threw back, mirroring Arin's teasing tone. “I lasted longer than you did.”

Both of Arin's eyebrows went up. “Are you making fun of my stamina, Avidan?”

“Maybe.”

“It had been a while, alright? I was backed up. You know I'm not a daily jerker.”

Dan smirked. “Hey, I like getting feedback on my performance.”

Arin burst into giggles. Dan liked the way the apples of Arin's cheeks stood out when he really laughed. He liked that Arin was impressed at his comeback. He also liked flipping the script and leaving Arin lost for words for once.

“Okay, maybe you had something to do with it,” Arin said after he'd caught his breath. “You sounded hot. And I like being watched.”

Dan wasn't sure which of those things hit him harder. “Really?”

“Yeah. Not in like, a creepy way. Like I don't want to jerk off in public or on camera or anything. But if it's consensual and I know the other person, and they're into it, it totally gets me off.”

“You like being the center of attention.”

“Sometimes.” Arin shrugged. “I'm a bit of a show off.”

“I could tell,” Dan said. “Um – did I really sound hot?”

“Are you serious? Did you hear yourself? You sounded like straight-up porn.”

Dan blushed _again_ , which only egged Arin on.

“Like fuck dude, if you moaned like that just from my fingers, what are you going to sound like if I get something else in there?”

An image swam to the front of Dan's mind and stuck there like sunspots in his eyes. “Arin - ”

“I meant a toy,” Arin amended, but something about his smile made Dan's heart race. “You know, like you suggested.”

“Oh. Right.”

“A p-spot massager, maybe,” Arin mused. “I like the kind that vibrate at the end and at the base right where it nestles up against your taint. I have one. Fuck, you wouldn't believe how good it is, it's better than a fuckin' beej.”

“They _vibrate_?” Dan's eyes went wide as he tried to imagine how crazy that would feel. 

“Some of them do. It doesn't have to, if that freaks you out. Dude, there's a whole fuckin' world of butt toys out there. We'll find you something that you'll like. Something bigger and better than fingers.”

“Bigger?” Dan's voice came out all high pitched. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Um, how much bigger?”

“That's all up to you.”

Dan nodded. He took a deep breath. “Right. Maybe, you could show me a couple of options?”

“Sure. I'll send you some links later tonight.”

“And when I get it delivered, I'll just...let you know, and we can go from there?”

“Yeah. Could I come over to your place, maybe?”

The thought of Arin in _his_ bed made Dan feel strange. He wasn't sure Arin had ever really been in his bedroom at all. Dan had slept in Arin's bed before, especially when he'd lived right across the street from him. Before they'd had an office, he'd go over and record in Arin's living room, and they would Grump for hours and hours at a time. In between, Dan would doze, and if the main floor was too busy and noisy, he'd wander upstairs and crash on Arin's bed. 

“Sure,” Dan finally said. “I'd like that. It's been ages since I had you over.”

Arin smiled, and the apples of his cheeks stood out. “Yeah. I was thinking the same thing.”

“You can finally see the new music I've been working on. And the sweet fuckin' bass I bought on eBay.”

“Mmm.” Arin's smile turned into a leer. “And you don't have any neighbours within earshot, so you can yell as loud as you want.”

Dan managed not to blush this time. “You better back up that big talk with some action, Hanson.”

“Oh, I plan on it.”

“And I get a massage again, right?”

“You do me and I'll do you.”

“Fair's fair,” Dan said, scooping up the last veggie roll, and missed the way Arin's ears turned red.

**

The evening slipped away. 

Arin put on a different movie and curled up on his side, and Dan tipped himself over so he could rest his head on Arin's shoulder. Suzy came out of her office eventually and smiled at the sight of them, and somehow managed to not make Dan feel awkward at all. 

They talked about everything – music, art, ideas for future Power Hours - including one where they reacted to _Cats_ together, prompting a few good-natured furry jokes at Dan's expense – and everything else under the sun. While Dan had plenty of friends, there really was nobody that could make him laugh as hard as Arin. There were also very few people that Dan could spend so much time with without getting bored. Dan was social, but he liked his privacy. But going on long trips and tours and vacations with Arin never got boring. 

Dan was having such a good time that he barely noticed the time passing. He got a shock when he glanced at his phone and saw that it was nine PM, but that didn't matter, Dan didn't have anywhere to be. He ate leftover noodles with Arin and they put on another movie, and their conversation turned to comfortable silence. If Dan's eyes were falling closed, that was okay too, he wasn't really following the movie anyway.

“Feeling okay?” Arin asked him at some point, touching his arm.

“Mm. Yeah.” 

“Sleepy?”

“A little.”

“That food was probably kind of heavy.”

“I have a delicate constitution,” Dan agreed, muzzily, and Arin's sides shook as he laughed. “Hey, Ar'?”

“Yeah?”

“That online friend. The guy you dated, or wanted to date.”

“What about him?”

“What did he look like?”

“Oh,” Arin said. “Nice. That's all I remember. He was funny and made me laugh.”

“Huh.” Dan didn't know why he'd asked, but Arin didn't seem to be concerned. “Should I get up? Am I squishing you?”

“Nah,” Arin said. “I like you right where you are.”

The last thing Dan remembered was feeling Arin's arm draw him closer, pressing Dan against his chest.

The next thing he knew, Suzy was gently shaking him awake. 

Dan opened his eyes. The DVD menu screen was playing with the sound muted and the house was dark. Suzy was in her PJs and smelled like toothpaste. 

“I didn't want to wake you guys.” Suzy's voice was soft. “But as cute as you look, you might feel sore tomorrow if you sleep all crunched up like that.”

“Thanks,” Dan mumbled as he roused himself, shivering at the cold. His back was already achy. Beside him, Arin sat up, looking dazed. His shirt was all rumpled up from Dan sleeping half on top of him.

“What time's it?” Dan asked, fumbling around for his phone. 

“Almost two AM.”

“Oh. Oh, shit.” No wonder everything felt so strange. He looked at Suzy, trying to see if he could discern any hint of jealousy on her face. He was pretty sure she hadn't expected him stay so late.

But Suzy's smile was gentle. “Do you want to stay here for the night, Dan? I can make up the guest bedroom.”

Dan shook his head. “That's okay. I should really get going.”

Arin hadn't spoken. He looked at Dan, his eyes inscrutable, and something tugged hard in Dan's chest. He watched as a look passed between Arin and Suzy, a look that made Dan feel like he was missing something important.

“Okay,” Arin finally said, still looking at Suzy. “I'll come up in a minute, babe.”

“Sounds good.” She kissed him on the forehead. “Goodnight, Danny.”

The soft sound of her footsteps on the stairs faded. Arin looked after her, and then back to Dan. “You're not too tired to drive, are you?”

“I'm okay.”

“Send me a text when you get home.”

“I will.”

“Cool.” Arin hugged him. “Thanks for coming over.”

“No problem. I had fun.”

Dan put his arms around Arin's waist and pressed his face into Arin's shoulder. Arin's hair still smelled like coconuts and his bare skin was hot and damp. The smell made Dan's head spin.

They both pulled away at the same time, but they didn't go very far. Arin's hands were on Dan's shoulders and Dan's hands were still on Arin's hips. 

It was so quiet. Like they were the only two people in the world. The curtains were open, and Dan could see the street outside, deserted. The shadows moved strangely as palm fronds swayed across the street lights. 

“Drive safe, okay?” Arin said, his lips barely moving beneath his prickly moustache. Dan stared at the coppery glint of his beard.

“I will,” Dan breathed back, and it seemed to him that Arin wasn't looking into his eyes either. 

Suddenly scared, Dan stepped back. Arin's hands fell away from his shoulders. 

“Goodnight,” Dan blurted, and before he could do anything else he stumbled to the front door and slipped out into the still night.


	4. iv.

As of late it seemed that Dan was becoming increasingly anxious. He attributed this to being stuck inside his house. Strange times, and all that. Not wanting to complain – everyone was in the same boat, after all – he tried putting it out of his mind by keeping to some sort of routine. In the morning he sat out in his backyard to have his morning coffee, enjoying the quiet before the whining drone of lawnmowers started up. In the afternoon he worked on his music and went for a walk. After dinner he set in with a book and reminded himself that he was lucky to have all this time to himself, like a vacation.

Except it wasn't a vacation, not really, and some of Dan's frustrations were compounded by the inescapable knowledge that nearly everyone he knew had some sort of company in their house with them. 

He didn't want to acknowledge that – it felt too much like petty jealousy, and Dan never liked to stoop that low – but the feeling was there, and Dan didn't know what to make of it. He _liked_ being single, he never had a problem with lounging around at home by himself. He wasn't even stuck inside, he could still go for a drive or go for a walk almost anywhere he pleased. Arin would probably even come hang out with him if he asked, even though they saw plenty of each other already. 

The anxiety continued to plague him as he tried to read his daily two chapters of _War and Peace_ , still resolute that he had _not_ bitten off more than he could chew this time with his choice of classic literature. At the end of his reading session Dan got up to stretch his legs, his eyes blurry and his mind all jumbled with Russian names and complicated plots, and as his thoughts wandered he found himself thinking that he really should have taken Arin up on his offer to stay the night. 

That brought him sharply back to the present. He hadn't let himself think too much about that night. In the pressing loneliness of his big empty house, it was easy to brush it aside as an odd dream. But it came back to him now, all at once, and he still didn't understand why it had felt so significant.

Arin hadn't called. They'd texted a few times, mostly about work. But Arin hadn't said a single word about what they'd done ever since he emailed Dan the link he'd promised. 

Part of Dan thought that Arin was just being respectful, giving Dan the time to work up his courage. Besides, if Arin was coming over to his house this time, it only made sense that he was just waiting for the invitation. Another more cynical part of Dan thought that Arin had probably forgotten, because it wasn't a big deal – he was just doing Dan a favour, that was all, nothing weird about that. Arin was busy, he had multiple companies and bigger responsibilities, more important things to do than help Dan jerk off. 

The box still sat on the coffee table. It was an innocuous brown box, unmarked, as discreet as the website had promised. Dan had the absurd feeling that he was conducting some illicit drug deal as he took it from the delivery person with a carefully neutral face. Then he closed and locked the door and hurried into his living room, holding the box in front of him with both hands like it was a live grenade.

He hadn't opened it. Even just looking at it made him feel strange. It made him think of Arin – Arin with his roguish grin and his smooth deep voice. The way his hands had trembled slightly when he held Dan's shoulders and stared at him with his dark unreadable eyes. 

He'd been thinking about Arin an awful lot lately. 

Of course, it had to be because of just how incredible it had felt when Arin had shown him how awesome anal could be. It was a pretty life-changing experience. Yesterday morning he'd woken up all flushed with sticky-wet boxers, like he was a teenager again. He knew from the fleeting remnants of his wet dream that he had been face down on Arin's bed, feeling that crazy driving friction inside him.

Suddenly Dan felt restless.

He grabbed his keys and jacket. Outside, the sky was blazing, the sun just touching the horizon. Everything was closed, and Dan had nowhere to be, but he got into his car and drove.

Dan liked to drive. Traffic was light and Dan rolled his window down to feel the wind in his hair. It was easy to let his mind go, focused on the road and nothing else, definitely not thinking about Arin. It was easier still when he got out of the suburbs and up into the hills. There was a scenic lookout point and Dan pulled in to the furthest parking spot, away from the two other cars already parked there. For no reason at all Dan got out and went to the edge, where a steel rail stood between him and a precipitous drop down the rocky hillside. 

It was kind of pretty. The sunset was bright and the rocks below were tinged cherry red. Dan touched the rail to ground himself and fight off the vertigo as he looked out over the city. He'd lived here for nine years and it felt like home, but something reminded him of his early days in California, unsure of himself, everything so foreign and almost desolate in spite of the constant crowds. A stab of his earlier anxiety came back and suddenly there was a lump in his throat. 

This time Dan recognized the feeling. He was lonely. 

And it came with a kind of weird deja vu, too, because he'd felt this same kind of keen emptiness before. Dan had moved across the country and Brian had moved across the whole damn ocean and his dreams had been falling apart in front of his eyes. He'd been in a bad place with his health and his career and his entire life and everyone he cared about was thousands of miles away.

If it hadn't been for Arin, Dan didn't know what he would have done.

It was the same way now. If it wasn't for work, for Game Grumps, Dan would be losing his mind. But he still got to see Arin, and that was enough, even if his nights alone got a little monotonous and the days melted together.

Dan stood with his back to the guardrail and took a picture of himself against the stunning backdrop. He thought he looked kind of doofy with his hair blown silly by the wind, but his smile was bright and genuine. He sent it to Arin anyway. He wasn't quite sure why. Maybe later he'd post it on Instagram or something, and Arin would see it anyway, or maybe he wouldn't notice.

Maybe he could drop in on Arin on the drive back. Or maybe that was stupid, it was late, Arin was at home with his wife and his busy life. But then again, Suzy didn't mind. She'd asked Dan if he wanted to stay. Arin hadn't said anything, but his eyes had been almost wistful. And later, when his gaze had dropped to Dan's mouth -

The vertigo hit him again. Dan's knees felt weak and shaky. He stepped away from the edge and turned his eyes back toward the road until it passed.

When the streetlights turned on, Dan went home.

**

His house was stifling. Quiet. Empty. Arin still hadn't texted him back. 

When he thought about Arin, something in his brain bleated a warning. Dan's mind jerked away as if burnt. 

Dan kicked off his shoes and curled up on the couch. It was too early to sleep. Too late to start a movie. His eyes flickered to the box waiting patiently on the coffee table. 

A spark jumped, and his cheeks flushed, and Dan reached for his laptop with the vague idea of looking up something to get himself excited.

Maybe it was his own hang-ups getting the best of him again, but his usual go-tos weren't really doing anything for him. He was able to get himself worked up to half-mast, but he felt detached from what he was seeing. He looked at the box again, and filtered his search to look for something more specific and relevant.

It didn't work. Porn wasn't supposed to be realistic, of course, but there was such a disconnect between the people on the screen and the crazy, pulsing intimacy of the act itself, of giving up control, of the trust it took.

Dan closed out of his browser, confused and frustrated. He couldn't find what he was looking for – he didn't even know _what_ he was looking for. He wanted – he didn't know what.

He opened up Discord and called Arin.

Dan had gotten very used to talking with Arin this way during work, and the image of Arin at his gaming desk was etched into his brain. It threw him to see Arin in his bed, backlit by the soft glow of a bedside lamp, his features softened by the lower quality camera. 

“Didn't know you were in bed already,” Dan murmured, not sure why he felt the need to be quiet. “I can call back.”

“Nah, s'kay.” Arin's smile was broad. There was something about his relaxed face and heavy-lidded eyes that didn't seem at all like his usual self.

“Are you drunk?” Dan blurted, surprised. 

“Not drunk. Tipsy. Tired.” Arin pushed his hair away from his face, clumsy and slow. His eyes were glassy, but not unaware. “I jus' saw your picture.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah man. Fuckin' gorgeous.”

“It was,” Dan agreed. “Even if it's just super red because of the pollution. I used to think that was just an urban legend or something, but Brian explained it one day. Something about the particles in the air scattering the light, and filtering out all the blue tones. I don't remember. You know how he goes on and on.”

Arin's grin faltered. He absorbed Dan's words and just stared at him for a moment, his expression odd.

“What?” Dan frowned. 

But Arin just shook his head. “Nothing,” he muttered. “Just bein' stupid.”

“You okay, big cat?” Dan felt a rush of concern. He knew Arin was a grown man, but he didn't have as much experience with drinking as most people. “You seem kind of off.”

“Yeah. Yeah, 'm fine. Just, you know. Rough day.” Arin drank deep from a water bottle. “The sunset was cool. Yeah.”

Dan nodded sympathetically. “Yeah, it was nice to get out of the house. And me too, dude, me too. Going stir crazy. I'm pretty bored.” He paused, then added, “And lonely.”

“Fuck,” Arin said, and drank noisily again. Water trickled down his chin. Dan followed a droplet as it trailed down Arin's pale neck. “I'd come over, but - ”

“Yeah, you can't exactly drive. But I appreciate the thought.”

“I could get a ride. But I dunno. Still might not be a good idea. Not when I'm like this.”

Dan smiled. “Aw. I've never witnessed Drunk Arin in person before.”

“I might say something or do somethin' real dumb.”

“Yeah, and I'd get to make fun of you the next day.” Dan tipped his head back when he laughed and missed the way Arin grimaced.

Arin just shook his head. He laughed too but Dan didn't think there was any humour in it. “Right. Yeah.”

Dan's smile vanished. “Are you feeling okay?” he asked worriedly.

“Yeah, of course.”

Dan was beginning to think he'd said something wrong. He couldn't figure it out for the life of him. Groping around for something to say, Dan's eyes landed once again on the box in the corner. 

“So, um,” Dan started, aiming for a casual tone. “It came.”

“What came?”

“The, um. The thing I ordered.”

Arin's eyes were two dark pools, the light of the screen reflecting brightly in his pupils. He was quiet for so long that Dan wondered if he'd forgotten about sending Dan that link – if he'd forgotten what they'd promised to do.

“You know,” Dan added lamely, feeling his cheeks flush. “The toy you picked out for me. It's here.”

“What do you think?”

“I haven't even opened it,” Dan admitted. “I didn't want to.”

“Why? Too scared?”

“No,” Dan lied. “I was saving it for when – for whenever you get a chance to come over and, um. Help.”

“Jesus,” Arin said, looking kind of blindsided. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against his arm. “Fuck.”

Dan had been expecting Arin's usual doofy excitement. His heart thumped in his chest. “I know you're busy, dude, don't worry. I'm not expecting you to just drop everything and come over just for this.”

Arin flopped an arm through the air, clearly cutting him off. “Dan,” he said, his voice thick. He cleared his throat. “I'm gonna make time for you.”

“Okay,” Dan said softly, unsure. He could normally read Arin better than this. “It just seemed like...well...you haven't called, or said anything, so I was thinking maybe...”

“Didn't want to rush you,” Arin mumbled. “Didn't wanna...fuck, I dunno. Maybe you'd decide that it's easier just to do it yourself, without me.”

Dan shook his head. “I'm a big fuckin' chicken without you.”

“You were saving it,” Arin said, his eyes closing again. “Saving it for me.”

“Well,” Dan said, the corners of his mouth tugging up in an embarrassed smile. “Yeah. You were awesome last time.”

He watched Arin's throat work as he swallowed. 

“Falling asleep on me, big cat?” Dan teased when Arin didn't say anything.

“Naaah. Can't sleep.”

“Why not? You look like you could use it.” 

“Kinda wanna jerk off.”

Dan laughed. “I was kinda thinking the same thing, before I called.”

Arin's eyes fixed on him, moving over his face. “Why didn't you?”

“I don't know.” Dan stretched out his legs. “I guess maybe I couldn't get in the mood. I think it's just the cabin fever or something.”

Arin nodded. 

“I started thinking about work instead, and I figured I'd better call you and touch base before it got too late.” The lie didn't sit right. Dan wasn't even sure why he lied. “Actually, I didn't even...I don't know why I called. I just. I've been thinking about you a lot today. More than usual.”

Arin was still looking at him. The attention was bringing heat to Dan's face. 

“You think about me a lot?” Arin said quietly, his mouth barely moving around the words.

“Yeah,” Dan said, suddenly dizzy like Arin's inebriation was contagious. He was finding it hard to look away. “I mean – yeah, of course I do.”

“What were you thinking about, specifically?” 

“Dunno,” Dan said. He stared into Arin's glazed eyes, suddenly wondering how much of this conversation Arin would remember tomorrow. “Maybe I was feeling weird about what happened.”

Arin's brow creased. “What d'you mean?”

“I don't know,” Dan said for what felt like the hundredth time. “That night - I should have stayed over when Suzy asked me to.”

“Why?”

“Because I feel - ” Something was choking him, holding the words back. “It felt like we didn't – like we didn't talk about something we should have, and...fuck.” Dan groaned. He couldn't sound less clear if he tried. “Look, maybe I'm just confused or something, but it felt like - ”

Arin might have giggled at him if he were sober. Instead, his face was still, his eyes soft and heavy-lidded. “You're freaked out about something.”

“Yeah.” Dan knew his face was like an open book. “I mean, that's a strong way to word it, but...”

“Are you having second thoughts?”

“What?”

“About what we did,” Arin said. “About what we were going to do. You can tell me. I'd rather you tell me now, before - ”

“It's not that,” Dan said, but it didn't come out as decisive as it should have. He could tell Arin was hurt. “It was _good_ , Arin, it was – shit. I can't stop thinking about it.” 

Arin's face relaxed. The ghost of a smile twitched across his mouth. “Me neither.”

That hit Dan like a punch to the gut, and he didn't know why. He tried to search for something to say, to organize his whirling thoughts. This wasn't just for Arin's benefit, but his own. It was harder to distract himself from his feelings when Arin was right there, looking at him. “I'm okay with what happened,” he said. “I want it to happen again. It was – different than what I was expecting.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. But that's not what I'm trying to say.” Fuck, he was less coherent than Arin, and he had no excuse. Dan closed his eyes. He was flying blind, literally and figuratively. What exactly was bothering him so much? “It just felt strange when I left.”

Arin had been still this whole time but Dan thought he suddenly looked frozen, like maybe the camera image had gotten stuck. 

“Maybe I'm imagining shit,” Dan went on, pushing through the odd choking fear that kept threatening to strangle him. Knowing that Arin was drunk somehow made it easier. “But before I left, I almost thought you were going to - ”

His words hung there in the air. Arin was quiet. Arin wasn't going to help him out with this one.

Dan kept his eyes closed and just let his mouth open, the words falling out. 

“I thought you were going to kiss me.”

Dan snapped his mouth shut but it was too late. The words were out, almost echoing, inescapable.

Arin was so quiet. Dan had to open his eyes again to make sure the call hadn't dropped. Arin was just _looking_ , and his eyes weren't very glassy anymore. Dan had the sudden horrible feeling that his words had just sobered Arin up. His heart was beating hard and fast.

Dan opened his mouth to say something else – to take it back, say that it was late and that he was feeling weird, that it was stupid, anything, when Arin finally spoke.

“What if I did?” Arin finally asked.

Dan sucked in air and clutched the edge of his laptop. “What?”

“What if I'd kissed you? What would you have done?”

“I – I don't know. ” Dan tried to smile. It was a joke, that was all, just more good-natured teasing. Arin did it all the time. Arin liked to push his buttons. It didn't mean anything. It never meant anything. “Did you kiss your D-Club buddies after you showed off your dicks?”

“No,” Arin said. “I never wanted to. Not with them.”

Dan's chest went tight. “Then why are you asking me what I'd do?”

“'Cause maybe I was going to. Kiss you, I mean.”

“Arin, you can't – you can't just say shit like that, man.”

“Why not?”

“You're drunk. You don't know what you're saying.”

“Maybe.”

“What the fuck do you mean, maybe?” Dan felt hot all over, his heart beating so hard that he felt breathless. “Don't fuck with me, Arin, not now. Not about this.”

“I just asked you a question,” Arin said, ignoring Dan's spluttering. “What would you do?”

“Jesus, I don't know!” Dan tried to picture it, imagining how Arin's lips would feel against his, how prickly his beard would be against his skin. Something jerked hard in his chest. Everything suddenly felt like a rug had been pulled out from underneath him, spilling him out on the floor, his defenses shattered. “It doesn't matter!” 

“Why not?”

“Because – because you're just fucking winding me up, that's why.”

“I'm not. If I was there with you right now I'd kiss you. If you wanted.”

“Arin!” Dan shoved a hand into his hair. Arin had no goddamn right to say that shit so casually. Dan could feel all of his buried emotions and frustration turning to anger like gasoline tossed on burning coals. Arin liked to tease him but fuck if he didn't know where to stop. “This isn't funny.”

“You can say no. I jus' wanna know.”

“Arin, for God's sake - ”

“I just wanna know,” Arin repeated, stubbornly, and his eyes were pinning Dan in place. 

Dan was helpless – he felt himself being swept up, hurtling towards something that he didn't want to face, didn't want to think about. He felt more naked and exposed than he'd been when he was in Arin's bedroom. He clutched his head in his hands and dug his short nails into his scalp like he could make it stop.

“Stop it,” Dan managed. His voice cracked and he hated that, the way he sounded so unsure. There wasn't anything to be confused about. He took a deep breath. “Just – shut the fuck up!”

He hadn't meant to yell.

Arin looked like Dan had slapped him, and the guilt slammed into Dan's gut like a freight train. 

_He's drunk,_ Dan chastened himself. _He's drunk, it's not his fault. You're the one being weird, he doesn't know what to do. You brought it up. You wanted to talk about it. It's not his fault._

“'M sorry,” Arin said, thick and choked. Arin, who had dropped everything to indulge Dan's stupid desires. Arin who never thought twice about doing Dan a favour. Arin who was always there, even this late when he was drunk and in bed, probably trying to sleep before Dan came along and unloaded his stupid feelings all over him.

“I'm gonna go.” Dan tried not to say it without his voice shaking. “You should get some sleep, Arin.”

Arin sat up, swaying as he overbalanced and pitched too far forward. The camera image jerked around as he grabbed his laptop. “Wait. Fuck.”

“No.” Dan shook his head. “I have to go. I can't - ” 

“Stay,” Arin said. He didn't sound drunk anymore. “Danny, I didn't mean to - ”

“Sorry,” Dan managed, because he was sorry, and ashamed of himself. “I'll call you tomorrow or something. I just have to go.” And then, because he couldn't just hang up on Arin like that, he added, “Goodnight, Arin.” 

Arin opened his mouth to speak, and Dan slammed the laptop shut. 

The image of Arin's stricken face stayed with him. 

_If I was there with you right now I'd kiss you. If you wanted. What would you do?_

But Dan couldn't give an answer. Not even to himself. 

Instead he crawled into bed and closed his eyes until sleep came to help him escape.


	5. v.

Dan dreamed an old dream, of a time long gone. 

Arin – a different Arin, smooth-cheeked and younger, just as goofy and sweet but with nowhere near the poise and confidence he exuded today – had asked him to take over from Jon. It was the opportunity of a lifetime, and even then Dan knew that this was going _somewhere_ , but the stage fright had gripped him by the throat and nearly paralyzed him. He gave Arin all sorts of reasons for his panic. Something about disappointing the fans, about being subject to the public scrutiny he'd already had a taste of with Steam Train and NSP, of not being good enough. 

That was all true, but really, in the end it had all come down to Arin. 

Arin was easygoing, but he was ambitious. Dan knew the kind of trust it had taken to offer him a place in the dream he'd envisioned. In that moment Dan knew just how much Arin thought of him – and how much Dan cared. Dan had made life-changing decisions for himself, had uprooted his whole life on his half-baked musician's dream, but _this_ felt real and terrifying in a whole new way. He wanted to succeed just as much as Arin – he wanted them to succeed _together_. 

He'd once joked to Brian that it had felt like a marriage proposal, in a way. Come with me on my journey. I believe in you. I believe in _us_.

In the dream, Arin was smiling and holding out his hand. Dan was trying to muster up the courage to take it, knowing what it meant. The weight of his and Arin's future was heavy on Dan's shoulders. He was terrified and exhilarated – he was full of doubt – he wasn't good enough, he was going to fail – 

But when Arin's hand squeezed his, Dan smiled and the weight was lifted. Everything was going to work out. This was exactly where he was meant to end up.

Like most of Dan's dreams, it dissipated into nothing as the dawn came, and he did not remember. Sometimes a dream left traces - a warm glow, a sense of peace, a smile on his mouth that he didn't know the cause of – but this time he was unlucky.

Dan woke up feeling like garbage. His head was thumping. His eyes felt crusty in the corners, gritty and painful. The sheets were all tangled around his legs like he'd been thrashing in his sleep. And when he looked in the mirror, his face was old and tired. He looked like hell. And with good reason. 

Last night he'd snapped. He told Arin to shut the fuck up, and it hadn't been a joke. It had been a long time since he'd gotten that fight-or-flight rush, where his brain went offline and instinct started to take over. And never in a million years would he have imagined that fucking _Arin Hanson_ could have been the cause of it.

Arin would never even _think_ of yelling at Dan. And until last night, Dan would have easily been able to say he'd never thought of yelling at Arin. And it wasn't even anger – it wasn't anything Dan could put a name to. 

The intensity of his outburst surprised and scared him. 

Dan wandered around his big empty house on autopilot while his brain replayed everything from the night before. In the bracing light of the day it was hard to comprehend why he'd reacted so strongly. Arin hadn't done anything strange – he'd been drunk, and maybe that had made his delivery kind of weird, but that was to be expected. And it wasn't even that weird. Even _before_ they'd done – well – whatever you could call what he'd asked Arin to do for him, it wouldn't have been that weird. How many times had they joked about kissing each other? 

And Arin hadn't even broached the subject himself.

_You were the one that called him. You were the one that talked about the toy. You were the one who said you wanted to jerk off, you were the one that asked if he was going to kiss you that night._

The truth of it seemed to be that Dan was a giant asshole. Maybe it was some sort of hidden anxiety over the experience they shared – maybe it had all been a mistake – maybe Dan just wasn't able to be as blasé about his body and sexuality as Arin and the infamous group of D-Club buddies. That would be fine, except Dan had absolutely no reason to be a dick to Arin about it after asking him for help. 

The guilt felt like gravel sitting heavy in his stomach. He made coffee, stronger than he usually liked, and brought it out onto his back porch. It was a gorgeous day, the sky a dusty blue, warm but not oppressive. It would have been peaceful. 

He thought about Arin, wondering how much he remembered, if he had gone to bed last night puzzled and hurt. That stung. Dan didn't like to leave situations unresolved. Arin had once said that the only secret to a good marriage was to never go to bed angry or upset. It wasn't good to let things simmer. 

Arin was brave like that, though. He always faced things head on. 

To Dan's embarrassment, his eyes started to prickle, just a bit. 

Arin wasn't a morning person even without a potential hangover, and Dan made himself wait until eleven o'clock before he grabbed his phone. 

Arin picked up on the third ring. His voice sounded tired and slow. “Hey, Dan.”

It sounded so careful, neutral. Or else Dan was overthinking shit like always. 

“Morning,” Dan said softly, swallowing back his dread. “Um, how are you feeling?”

“Like fuckin' shit.”

Dan winced. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I got pretty drunk last night. I woke up this morning feeling like I got hit by a car.”

“I know,” Dan answered, keeping his voice low for the sake of Arin's headache. “I called you around ten.”

“Right. I'm sorry for being drunk.”

“Don't be,” Dan said. _I'm sorry I yelled at you, big cat._

There was a brief second of silence, the sound of Arin rustling or moving on the other end of the line. Dan couldn't tell how much Arin remembered – if he remembered anything at all. It didn't seem likely. And Dan couldn't tell whether or not he was relieved by that. 

Arin finally spoke again. “I hope I didn't make a complete ass of myself.”

Well, that settled it. Dan bit the inside of his cheek. “It's okay. You didn't.” Should he still apologize for something he couldn't explain, and that Arin couldn't remember?

“Are you sure?” An odd urgency there. “Suzy said I was being stupid.”

“Did she?” Dan asked, like an idiot.

“Yeah. I mean, she's right, probably. She generally is.”

Dan hesitated. “Well, you didn't say or do anything embarrassing. At least not to me.”

“Thank fuck. I was in a weird mood, man.”

“From talking to me?” That came out way too nervous. Dan checked himself and added, “I mean, it was pretty late for me to be calling and bothering you.”

“No. Shit, of course not. I was glad you called.”

Dan caught his reflection in the sliding glass door and saw the way his face lit up at that. He tried not to let it through in his voice. “Why were you in a weird mood then?”

“Dunno,” Arin said, vaguely. “Sometimes you just have a bad day, you know?”

“Stress?” Dan asked hesitantly. “With, you know, your companies and the employees, and the Backstreet Boys and their shenanigans...”

There was a pause, like Arin was weighing his words carefully and debating how much to give away. “Something like that.”

Dan's guilt was mingling with worry. Arin was prone to overworking himself. He'd seen it before, especially while filming _Good Game._ He took on so many responsibilities that Dan thought he sometimes struggled to live up to his own ridiculously high expectations. “Hey, if you need me to step up my game at work – ”

“It's not that. Trust me, dude, I'll be okay. It's – ” There was a faint change in the background noise, like Arin had walked into another room. “ – kind of a personal thing I've been dealing with for a while.” 

Dan wanted to probe more, but he respected Arin's privacy. “Well, if there's anything I can ever do to help...I'm here, okay? If you need to talk or vent, just let me know. I know it's not easy for you sometimes with everything you pile on your plate.” That sounded like an assumption. “I mean – not that you're doing it to yourself.”

“I know what you meant.” Arin's voice sounded different when he smiled. Dan could hear it through the phone. “Thanks, Dan. I appreciate that.”

“No problem.” 

The mood seemed lighter now. Dan tried to let go of his lingering concern. He stood up and stretched his legs, walking down the steps and into the grass. It was getting a little long, and he'd have to mow soon, but he liked the way it felt under his feet when it was shaggy. 

“So where was the Suze last night?” he asked casually.

“Here,” Arin said. “Where else could she go?”

“Right, duh.” Dan laughed. “Was she drunk, too?” Had she heard Dan yell? Surely she would have told Arin – or she would have cut in to tell Dan to shut the hell up, that he had no right to demand so much of her husband and then freak out at him for no reason. Suzy liked Dan, even loved him as a friend, but she had a temper and didn't let anyone mess with Arin. 

“Nope. She's too smart for that shit. She listened to me ramble, called me an idiot, and went to her office to work on some stuff.”

Dan's eyes widened a bit. “You two aren't - ”

“Fighting? Fuck no.” Arin laughed like the idea was crazy. “I just wanted to be mopey and sad by myself for a bit. No big deal. I'm over it.”

 _It is a big deal_ , Dan thought, his chest aching a bit at the thought of Arin in distress. But if Arin wanted to talk about it, he would have said so. Dan knew him well enough not to push it.

“She's making breakfast right now,” Arin went on, oblivious, “but I don't know if I'll be able to eat any of it. Fuck, this sucks, dude, why do people do this to themselves?”

 _To escape._ Dan remembered his old post-college days. “I can't speak for anyone else. I did it because I was young and stupid.”

“You remember any magical hangover cures?”

“Not really. I think your body handles it better when you're young. I mean, it always hit me pretty hard, but looking back, that was probably because of my stomach issues. Some people say coffee helps, but - ”

“Coffee tastes like burnt asshole.”

Dan's laughter bubbled up from his throat, surprising himself. “Right. I mean, you're wrong, but I know how you feel about coffee. Just drink lots of water and take it easy.”

“I am drinking _gallons_ of water. You ever see those whales that just open their mouths and suck the whole top of the ocean?”

It was so silly and so _Arin_ that Dan had to laugh again. “Yeah, that happens. Alcohol dries you right the fuck out.”

“I'm sucking so much tap water that I might single-handedly kickstart the next California drought.”

“I don't think that's how it works.”

Arin made a humming noise. Then there was a brief silence. Dan heard the sound of the fridge closing, and the crinkle of a water bottle. Dan took the opportunity to try and figure out if he should still apologize - or if it would just be pointless. Arin would no doubt ask for the whole story, and bringing it up again might make things more tense than they'd already gotten. And Dan's stomach was bunching up into knots just thinking about trying to explain that his mind had imploded after asking Arin if they'd been about to kiss.

“So how are _you_ doing?” Arin asked suddenly.

“Me? Um.” Dan switched the phone to his other ear. “Why do you ask?”

“You sound kind of weird.”

“Thanks,” Dan said sardonically. “ _Some_ people pay money to listen to my voice, but your criticism has been noted.”

Arin laughed. “I meant you don't sound like yourself.”

Was it that obvious? Of course it was. Arin could read him like a fucking book. “Fair” was all Dan could think to say.

“What's up?”

“I'm fine. Just tired.”

“You sure about that?”

“What does that mean?” Dan tried not to make it sound like an accusation. Arin wasn't cross-examining him. Dan was just jumpy, that was all.

“Nothing. You just sound like...I don't know, man. Maybe it's just me. I'm so out of whack today. Why are you tired? Late night?”

“I don't know. I guess I just slept shitty last night.”

This time even Dan could hear the lie in his voice. It wasn't a lie, really – or maybe it was lying by omission – but either way Dan sucked at acting. 

“Oh,” Arin said, and just by that one word Dan could tell that he heard it too.

“Okay, maybe it's not just that.” The grass was making Dan's feet itch. He climbed back up onto the porch. “It's not – it's just not important, you know? Like you said. Just, dealing with some shit. Personal shit, I guess.” _Don't babble,_ he cautioned himself, because that seemed to be his natural defense when he was trying to cover anything up, and he kind of hated it. 

“You wanna talk about it?” 

It was a simple thing, that sentence, but Arin had a way of making it sound so warm and genuine. Dan's chest clenched and he pressed his teeth together. 

Fuck, he wished he could, he wished he knew what was wrong so that he could talk it out with his best friend. Arin would listen to Dan ramble for hours and never made Dan feel like an obligation. There weren't many people with whom Dan could just pour out his soul. Brian, sometimes. Brian would have the practical and sensible solution and Dan appreciated that. But Arin was different. Arin would just _understand_ , and care, and he'd do absolutely anything to help and not expect any sort of favour in return. Empathy and warmth came so naturally to him. Sometimes, Dan thought that people underestimated that about Arin just because Arin laughed so much like he didn't take anything seriously.

He had to say something – he had to reply. Dan's throat had tightened up and he had to force the words out. 

“Not right now,” he said, and through his clenched throat it came out all wrong – like he was irritated at Arin for asking.

“Oh,” Arin said again. “Okay, that's cool.”

“I didn't mean - ”

“Really, it's cool. I get it.”

There was another silence, and now it felt kind of tense. Dan could feel himself shrivelling, feel his mind curling like burned paper, because nothing was wrong but everything was wrong and he didn't know _why._ When had he ever felt this tense during a simple phone conversation with his best friend?

Something started to creep in – the dawning realization – but Dan did an abrupt one-eighty and ran from it before he could go down that path. He forced his face into a smile and straightened his back. He was a performer, for fuck's sake, and he should know how to put on his show face even when he was tired and exhausted and just wanted to go home. 

“I'm sorry,” he said, because he was. The truth made his tone much more normal. “I didn't mean to be so grumpy.”

“Aw, Dan, you're not so grump.”

It was lame, but Arin was trying. Dan laughed for his sake. “I mean it. Seriously – thanks for asking. You're always the first person I call when I need advice.”

“I'm not sure you should trust life advice from a dude in his mid-thirties that gets white girl wasted off of wine coolers on a weekday."

This time Dan laughed so hard that no sound came out. “Wine coolers? Seriously? No wonder you feel like garbage.”

“There was a shot or two of bourbon somewhere too.”

Dan shook his head. “Wine coolers and bourbon. Fuck, that's worse than you doing edibles for your first time trying pot. Who told you that was a good idea?”

“I don't _know_ , okay, nobody told me. I got bourbon because it seemed like something, I dunno. Fuckin' classy.”

“God,” Dan said. “You're like a high school freshman at his first party.”

“I didn't _know,_ ” Arin said exasperatedly. 

And in the background Dan heard Suzy say, “Arin, I _told_ you it was a bad idea.”

Dan laughed again, harder and longer than he had laughed in a while. It was getting uncomfortably warm outside and he retreated back indoors. His AC had kicked on and the blast of cool air was refreshing. He had a hard time quelling his giggles. Maybe they were contagious, because suddenly Arin was joining in.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time, alright,” Arin managed. “Fuck, I was in a mood, and we can't go anywhere – and now the Backstreet Boys are adding more fuckin' tour dates and there's no end in sight - ”

“Backstreet's back, and it's _not_ alright.” That was so fucking dumb, but Dan couldn't stop. “Believe me when I say I _don't_ want it this way.”

“Tell me why-ee,” Arin warbled, and then he laughed at himself so heartily that he went, “Ow, fuck, my head, that was dumb. Where are those fucking Tylenol – oh, there they are. Jesus.”

Dan's fit of giggles promptly vanished. He winced in sympathy. “Sorry,” he said, chagrined. “Maybe I should let you go.”

“No,” Arin said right away. “Don't go. God knows I need more human interaction. I'm going nuts.”

“Me too. I haven't even been to the grocery store,” Dan said. “I've been here and at your house. That's it. The days are blending together and I don't know if time seems like it's going by fast, or really, really slow. It's fucking me up.”

“I know what you mean,” Arin said, with feeling. “I'm so sick of my own house.”

“At least you have Suzy there with you.”

“Shit, yeah.” Now Arin sounded guilty. “Gotta check my privilege. My married privilege. It's gotta be so much worse for you.”

Dan closed his eyes for a second to stop the sudden feeling of the walls closing around him. He said, “Yeah. It's – it's not great, being alone so much.”

“I'm sorry,” Arin said softly, and it didn't sound like pity. It sounded like he meant it. 

“Don't be sorry. I'm glad we can still see each other. I think maybe I'd actually go crazy if I wasn't able to hang out with you. If it weren't for you I think I'd - ” He checked himself as emotion welled up in his chest. “I love that we can still work together semi-normally.”

“You know,” Arin began, tentatively. “You can always stay here. If you need to.”

It sounded wonderful. Dan started to smile, but then it slid off his face. Something about that felt dangerous. Reckless. 

“It's okay,” he made himself say. “It really is. Don't worry too much about me, alright? I'll be fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Thanks for the offer, but I'll be all right.”

“It's not like a pity thing, Dan. I'm not asking just to be nice. I just think it could be cool. We'd have fun – and it would be so convenient. You're over here working so much anyway, right?” Arin paused. “I don't think there's many people I could live with, but you're definitely one of them. Maybe the only other person besides Suzy.”

The compliment made Dan feel a little like he was floating. “Sure,” he said, trying to sound like it was no big deal. “You say that now, but you'd get sick of me in no time.”

“I don't think I could ever get sick of you, Dan.”

It was so simple, yet so sincere, that Dan suddenly felt his eyes prickle again. “Thanks, big cat.”

“No problem, Big D.”

“Remember when I used to crash on your couch all the time, back when I was living across the street?”

“When we'd stay up until like fucking two in the morning, recording Grumps? Those were the days, dude. I mean, obviously the office was fucking awesome. And the new one is going to be even better. But back then it felt – ”

“Different,” Dan agreed. “Just the two of us.”

“Yeah. I miss that sometimes.”

Dan felt the tips of his ears burn. “I do too.”

“And I miss you. You can come over whenever you want. For as long as you want.”

Fuck, he didn't deserve a friend like Arin. “I miss you too.”

Arin made another humming noise. It sounded content. Dan could almost hear the little smile on his face.

The following silence was comfortable this time. Dan switched the phone to his other ear again and wandered into his kitchen. The microwave clock read eleven thirty and Dan blinked with surprise. The time always seemed to fly by when he was talking to Arin.

“When was the next recording session again?” Dan asked, peering at the whiteboard he kept on his fridge. He didn't have his contacts in and his writing was thick and messy with the big whiteboard markers.

“Not 'til Friday.” 

“What are you doing until then?”

“Uh,” Arin said. “Alternating between stuffing my face with takeout and working out to make myself feel better about it?”

“So you don't have any plans?”

“Plans? Where am I supposed to go?”

“I dunno. You could still have...okay, maybe that was dumb, when we were literally just talking about how we can't go anywhere.” 

“S'okay,” Arin said genially. “Why'd you ask?”

Dan suddenly felt like the dorky kid in school again, trying to talk to Christine the pretty blonde cheerleader. His throat would always close up and he would never know what to say.

_It's just Arin, you idiot. Just Arin._

“Come over tomorrow,” Dan blurted. 

“Yeah? You want me to?” Arin sounded surprised.

Some of Dan's sudden courage started to fade. “I mean...if you're feeling better. If you need another day to recover, that's cool.”

“I'm sure I'll be fine.”

“And if Suzy doesn't mind – I mean, she probably doesn't want to be alone.”

“Are you kidding? She's been trapped in here with me for how long? She'd love some time to herself.”

For some reason Dan was getting anxious. “I know my place isn't exciting or whatever, so we could always go for a drive, or I can show you that trail I was talking about.”

“Dan, it's fine. Jesus.” Arin was laughing again. “I already promised I'd come over.”

“You did?” Dan was slow to catch on, but when he did, he made a weird sound and said, “ _Oh._ ”

“What, you forgot about that already? But you were so excited.”

He hadn't forgotten. How could he forget? Fuck, the way his heart had shot up into his throat when Arin had looked at him with those warm dark eyes, smiling - _could I come over to your place, maybe? - so you can yell as loud as you want._

Arin's teasing made Dan feel like he'd been doused with ice water, but the sensation wasn't unpleasant. His heart rate picked up to double-time. “Well – I didn't mean, but – not that I'd forgotten, and yeah, I'm still down, but – it doesn't have to be just for that – but – I mean, yeah, if you want to – I um – ”

Arin laughed again but it wasn't mean-spirited; Dan could tell he wasn't laughing at him. “You wanna buy a vowel, big D?”

“Shut up,” Dan said automatically, but he was smiling. “You caught me off guard.”

“Sorry,” Arin said breezily. “Somehow I figured it would take you forever to get around to asking.”

“I was gonna,” Dan protested. “Eventually.”

“Sure. We can still go out if you want. Maybe we can grab some food on the way and bring it up with us. If it's the park I'm thinking of, there's picnic tables and they're not used much.”

“A picnic?” Dan's stomach did a weird thing. “That would be...really fun, actually.” 

“I could come around noon. Would that work? Or would you rather do dinner?”

“Lunch is fine.”

“Cool.” Arin didn't sound tired anymore. “You still doing your Disney marathon?”

“Yeah.” Dan was surprised he remembered. “I'm near the end of the renaissance years. Just finished Hercules.”

“Cool,” Arin said again. “Next up is _Mulan_ , right? I fuckin' love Mulan. We should watch it together.”

“Yeah? That would – that would be great. Sounds like a plan.”

“Fuck yeah.”

Dan heard Suzy's voice in the background again, and Arin pulled the phone away from his mouth to answer.

“Breakfast is ready?” Dan guessed.

“Hell yeah. And I think maybe I can actually eat something. I think I'm feeling better.”

He sounded a million times better. Dan smiled. “Go eat and rest up, okay? I'll text you later.”

“Sounds good, D. Talk to you in a bit.”

Dan wouldn't forget, but he marked it on his calendar anyway in his semi-blind scrawl. Looking at the words – the only thing on his calendar besides his work schedule – made him feel strange. His stomach was doing flips. Arin rarely came over to Dan's house. And if he did, it was rarely so early in the day. And Dan never put it on his calendar – they never really set hard schedules outside of work. It was always just a matter of texting back and forth. _Hey, I'll swing by after dinner_ or _I'll drop in when I'm done working_ , or _Come over in the morning if you want to squish a work-out in with me._

A picnic lunch, up in the hills. Followed by a movie.

Somehow that seemed so much more than just fooling around.

Dan put a hand on the fridge to steady himself as a wave of dizziness hit him. 

_Don't be stupid,_ he told himself. _We're just hanging out. We always hang out. It's no different._

His belly squirmed as he gulped the rest of his coffee, long gone cold. His hand was shaking.

Dan glanced toward his living room. The box was still there. Of course it was still there. He should probably get a utility knife and cut open the tape at least, just to get ready. He wondered if Arin would tease him for not even having the courage to look at the damn thing. He wondered if Arin would tease him more if he came over and found it in Dan's room, on his nightstand, ready to go -

_Excited, huh? Did you already have a little fun by yourself with that thing?_

Or maybe Arin would light up, his eyes bright as his hand wrapped around the shaft of it. _Just wait, it's gonna be so awesome, I'm going to rock your world._

Dan took a breath, reeling at the wave of arousal. It came and went so quickly that it left him standing there stunned, scrambling to find his bearings. 

The walls pressed in again, heavy, oppressive. 

Dan kind of wanted to call Arin back. He wanted to spill his guts, he needed someone to make sense of his jumbled thoughts – he needed someone pragmatic, someone who understood.

He kind of wanted to scream at himself, to just fucking acknowledge what was happening, no matter how terrifying it was. He was coping with the truth by pretending like it would go away if he ignored it. It had to go away, because it was impossible, it was crazy – it was nothing but confusion mixed with cabin fever mixed with nerves, nothing more. 

It couldn't be more, because that would mean Dan was – and he _wasn't_ – 

He wished that he could still drink. Just a shot or two, quick and bitter. He remembered how that felt, the warm bloom in his stomach, the way the taste lingered on his tongue as his brain floated away. There were people that drank to get drunk, but Dan had always liked the softer, happier glow of being good and tipsy. Everything glowed a little bit brighter and his problems seemed so far away. That would be just fine with Dan right about now.

He tried to tap into the kind of easy courage that Arin had. With shaking fingers Dan selected Arin's name from his inbox and typed, _so last night you asked me something and I didn't know how to answer._

He stared at his own words, but he couldn't take it. He clicked the back button. Did he wish to discard his message? Yes, fuck, he couldn't just – 

Dan closed his eyes and breathed.

He typed, _I'm feeling weird about what we did, but I still want to do it again._

Deleted it.

He typed, _I wish you weren't drunk last night._

Deleted it.

He typed, _What we talked about tmrw, it kind of feels like a date._

Deleted it.

Typed, _what would you do if I kissed you?_

Deleted it.


	6. vi.

“You're being stupid,” Dan told his reflection in the mirror as he scrunched a handful of product into his wild hair. It had been a long time since he'd bothered to do anything to his hair. What did it matter, when he was stuck at home and nobody had to look at him? 

But on that logic, it didn't really matter now, either. When had it ever mattered when he was just hanging out with Arin? Arin didn't give a flying fuck what Dan looked like and Dan had nothing to prove. 

And still, here he was, brimming with anxiety, fussing with some weird hair product that came out in his hands like shaving cream. His whole morning had started off sideways like he just wasn't able to get on track and go. Arin was supposed to pick him up in twenty minutes and Dan hadn't even made coffee yet. 

He was jumpy. Nervous. Why nervous? Dan didn't want to be nervous. That would mean acknowledging that, somewhere along the line, something had changed. And he desperately didn't want things to change. In a world full of uncertainty, it sometimes felt like Arin was the only constant. 

No matter what happened, Dan could always count on Arin to be _Arin._

Dan couldn't fuck that up. He just couldn't. It wasn't an option. 

He felt – sort of loose, aimless, like some anchor had been cut away. He had to occupy his mind with something. Had to keep moving, so his brain stayed quiet. Dan washed his hands, splashed his face with cold water. The sink was covered in little dark specks of beard hair, like salt and pepper, from when he'd shaved. Dan used a piece of damp toilet paper to wipe up the mess and rinsed out the sink. It felt good to do something that made sense. 

The sound of his phone going off made him jump. 

_Game starts at 3_ , the first one read, and Dan knew it was his buddy Adam. It looked so much like _Arin_ at first glance. _Gonna jump in on zoom with us?_

 _Can't, sry_ , Dan typed out quickly. He'd totally forgotten about the game. _busy w Arin._

An ellipsis immediately appeared.

_if ur boss makes you work during the giants game tell him u need a raise.  
Or i'll send u the labor department complaint number_

Dan smiled. _Not work. Just hangin out._

_well when youre done with ur bf call me to celebrate_

Dan's stomach did a weird thing. 

_he's not my_ , Dan started, and then jammed his thumb on the delete button until that was gone. _Sure dude I'll give you a shout, but we probably won't have anything to celebrate. Don't get your hopes up._

_when did u become such a pessimist?_   
_I mean ya the odds are sad af but a guy can dream_   
_tell the bf I said hi_

Dan felt a stab of irritation. It was stupid. Adam and Joe always referred to Arin like that. It was supposed to be funny. Just a joke. Sometimes they watched Game Grumps and cracked up listening to Arin's relentless teasing and brash jokes. They thought it was funny. They liked Arin and they were just in on the joke.

 _ha, ha,_ Dan sent back, and added a thumbs up emoji to offset the bland reply.

He shoved his phone in his pocket. The restlessness had started to creep back in.

The thought of coffee drew him into the kitchen. But by the time it was done brewing, Arin would practically be here. That was fine. He could go without – or make one later, when they got back. Jesus, it didn't _matter._ It was fine. Everything was fine. They could stop for coffee if Dan needed one that badly.

A sudden flash, a reflection of sun on metal. Arin's Mini Cooper pulling up in front of his house. 

Dan scrambled for the door.

The world shifted back to normal somehow as Arin saw him coming and grinned, like he was already pumped up, just like when Dan used to walk into the office at ass o'clock in the morning on a recording day. Dan lit up as he race-walked down his driveway. Halfway there, he had to stop and turn around like an idiot as he realized he'd forgotten to lock his front door. He fumbled around in his back pockets and realized that his keys were still somewhere in the jacket he'd been wearing the night before, and he had to run into his house to find them. 

By the time he finally came back out, swearing at his own stupidity, Arin had rolled down the passenger window and was laughing at him.

“Did you forget how to leave the house or what?” Arin called, sticking his head out. His hair caught the sun and gleamed like burnished gold.

Dan huffed as he slid into the passenger seat, but he couldn't control his face and did a terrible job at feigning indignation. “I've had a busy morning, okay,” he said defensively, through his smile. “And I didn't have a coffee yet.”

“That's okay,” Arin said in the kind of patient voice reserved for small children or animals. “You're getting older. These things happen.”

“ _I'm_ getting old? You're the one rocking the dad shirt,” he punted back, which was weak. 

Arin's crooked teeth flashed as he grinned. “You like it?” he asked, totally unfazed. 

It was an invitation to look. Dan took it. 

For some reason, the hideous pink and green tropical print – which would have been garish on absolutely anybody else – was actually kind of nice on Arin. With the way Arin was sitting, a little bit of chub was peeking out from beneath the hem. He'd paired it with pink shorts, because of course he did. The overall effect was as cheerful and bright as Arin himself.

“I kinda like it,” Dan said. “You look like Malibu Ken, dude.”

Arin brayed laughter. “Malibu Ken,” he repeated gleefully, and he was smiling in a way that Dan knew meant he was genuinely pleased. 

Dan liked that smile. He immediately started thinking of stupid puns that he knew Arin would love, regardless of whether or not they were even _good_ because Arin didn't care. He got a few lined up in his head, but before he could speak, Arin hit a red light and stopped.

“Feeling better than yesterday?”

Dan had been expecting that question at some point. He just didn't think it would creep up on him that quickly. 

“Yeah,” Dan said, as cheerfully as he could. It wasn't a lie. If he just didn't think too hard, he was totally fine. 

Arin's eyes flickered over.

“Okay,” Dan said, deflating. “I'm sort of, uh. Mixed up, I guess.”

Arin nodded. “Sure,” he said in a resigned kind of way, like that was the answer he'd been both expecting and dreading. “That makes sense. Is it about – ”

“ - The Backstreet Boys?” Dan interrupted. “Yeah, probably. What about you? How's your hangover?”

Arin must have noticed the deflection but he took it in stride. “Headache's gone, but I can't even _look_ at that bottle of bourbon in my kitchen without gagging.”

“I've never been a whiskey guy,” Dan agreed, wincing in sympathy.

“Bourbon is whiskey?”

Dan blinked. “ _Arin._ ”

“What? Look,” Arin said, feigning exasperation.“I didn't go to college, I didn't go to parties. I was the weird weeaboo kid. How am I supposed to know all this shit? It tasted like gasoline and it burned but it felt good for a while. It's made out of like, potatoes or some shit. That's all I know.”

“Corn, actually,” Dan said. “Vodka is potatoes.”

“Oh. Really? Corn?”

“Yeah, I think so. Actually, I think it might be any grain, like wheat.” 

“Huh.” Arin chewed on that answer like it was something actually interesting. “Cool.”

And then they went quiet again.

This wasn't the way their dynanic normally worked. Their conversation never ebbed and flowed in weak little pulses like this, like two strangers trying to talk in an elevator.

Something wasn't right.

Dan studied Arin out of the corner of his eye, noting the way his jaw was set, how he was sitting too stiffly with both hands planted on the wheel. He had the feeling that Arin was coming around to something else and was just trying to work out how to get there.

“So,” Arin finally broke the silence.

Dan waited. Nothing followed. “So?” he echoed.

“I was gonna wait until we were at the park, but. I dunno. I just think we should talk.”

Was there ever a more terrifying sentence? Dan's vision tunneled and his stomach sank down to his toes. “About what?”

For one awful second he thought that Arin was about to tell him that the plans were off, that he had time for lunch and nothing more. That Dan was making things too weird, and it would be best if they just forgot about everything. 

“I don't know,” Arin said. He sounded so unlike himself. “You're not like, mad at me or anything, are you?”

That question threw him. Dan had been preparing for the worst. “What?”

Arin looked embarrassed. That was unusual, too. “I mean, obviously you're not super pissed or you wouldn't be here to hang out, but – I don't know. If it's a stupid question, just humour me and say no and I'll stop being hung up about it.”

“There's no such thing as a stupid question,” Dan said lamely, as he stalled for time. 

Sometimes, back in the day when Dan drank, he'd be left with no solid memory – but the bits and pieces were there, nagging at him, too broken and disjointed to decipher. A gut feeling, a vague sense of something just out of his memory's reach. Maybe Arin didn't remember, but he remembered _something_ , and clearly he couldn't shake off the sense that something was wrong.

“Okay,” Arin said, trying a smile. “You've been hanging out with me for like eight years and you still think there's no such thing as a stupid question?”

Dan ignored the joke. “Don't you think I would have said something if I was pissed off?”

“Humour me,” Arin repeated, stubborn as ever.

“Alright,” Dan relented. “I'm not mad.”

“Okay.” Arin's voice was soft, like maybe he still didn't really believe it.

“I could never be mad at you, big cat.”

Arin looked at him. He let out a breath. “Okay,” he said again. “I just needed to hear that.”

It was an out. Dan could close that book, move on, stop thinking about it altogether. But he couldn't help himself. He had to know. Had to know just how much Arin remembered, what he knew, what he suspected. 

“Why did you think I was mad?” 

Arin didn't answer right away. He looked like he was weighing his words carefully. People thought that Arin was rash, impulsive – and sure, he could be – but that had never been true when it came to dealing with his friends. He knew that there were some corners that he couldn't talk himself out of. 

Finally Arin said, “Sometimes I have a big mouth, you know? I say whatever's on my mind and I don't even realize when I've gone too far. And, shit, that makes it sound like I'm excusing it, and I'm not. I'm not the kind of douchebag that just uses the excuse of being blunt or honest or whatever to justify saying ignorant stuff or crossing a line that's been clearly marked. I try to be aware. But you know, when you're not thinking straight, sometimes it's hard to gauge a situation. You get the wrong idea, or maybe you really _want_ to think it's one way and it's not. And – well, I think you've known me long enough to know that sometimes I can be really fucking stupid.”

That was a lot to take in. Dan tried to follow, but got stuck at the end. “I don't think you're stupid.” 

“Okay, yeah, I know that, but you're like this otherworldly angel that sees the good in everybody. I am stupid, you're just too sweet to realize it.”

“Arin, that's – incredibly flattering, I think.” Dan laughed shakily. “I'm gonna be honest, though, I have no idea what you're talking about. When did you cross a line? What line?”

Arin's knuckles whitened on the steering wheel for a second. “I didn't really think out what I was gonna say. Fuck. You know. Or maybe you don't. Maybe it's just me. But it seemed like – I dunno.”

“Are you trying to ask if you accidentally offended me?” Dan asked him bluntly. 

Arin's face spasmed briefly. “I guess. Yeah. Maybe offended is the wrong word. Maybe I just went way too far.”

“What?” Dan was confused. “Way too far as in...uh, what we did at your place?” 

The disappointment made his belly swoop again. God, if Arin had any regrets – 

“No,” Arin said immediately. “That was fine. I mean, it was more than fine, it was – I liked that part. I hope you liked it too. But maybe I – you know what, fuck.”

Despite himself, Dan smiled. “I'm gonna need you to speak English, Arin.”

“You know what I'm talking about. That night I was drunk.”

The smile slid off Dan's face. 

“Oh,” he said, stupidly.

“You were upset.”

Dan winced. “I – maybe, for a second, but it was only because...I didn't know how to react.”

“Fuck.” Arin's throat worked. “Me and my big fucking mouth.”

“Arin, it's okay. It wasn't like you meant to – I was just – ” Just what? Just having a breakdown over the idea of Arin kissing him? Just too worked up over the idea that maybe Arin wasn't kidding? Dan couldn't even finish the fucking sentence.

Arin was keeping his head straight, his eyes on the road. His hair was tucked behind his ears, and Dan could see that they looked kind of red. “Fuck,” he said again. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't,” Dan said thickly. He hated seeing Arin look so defeated. “You didn't do anything wrong. I'm okay. Really.” _I'm the one who brought it up,_ he wanted to add. But he knew Arin. Arin would just stubbornly contest anything that implied Dan was to blame, like he always did. 

“You wanted to talk,” Arin said. “You just wanted to talk to me and I wasn't there. I mean, I was, but I was useless. That kind of sucks.”

“That's not the point at all.”

“Isn't it?”

“Jesus, Arin, you don't have to apologize for having a few drinks on your own time.”

“No. I know. Still.” Arin was restless. He was drumming his fingers on the steering wheel every time they came to a stop. “I hate talking to drunk people. Sometimes it's funny and sometimes it can just get – uncomfortable. Because they don't always know when to stop, you know?”

“Right,” Dan said, slowly. Humiliation was creeping in. He was beginning to realize what Arin meant. Dan had made it weird, had startled Arin when his guard was down, but now he wanted to make it clear. Dan saying that he thought Arin was going to kiss him made Arin uncomfortable. Maybe Arin had thought it was a joke. Maybe he didn't. Either way, Arin hadn't been in his right mind and he'd responded with humour – his usual defense. And Dan had blown up, shocking Arin badly enough that he was still upset about it days later.

And now the stupid bastard was trying to accept part of the blame. Dan felt a wave of mingled exasperation and affection beneath his own embarrassment.

“It's totally my fault,” Arin said like he'd read Dan's mind. “I'm not trying to like, excuse anything just because I can't handle alcohol.”

“Right,” Dan said again. “I get that, but you didn't _do_ anything. You were just – being Arin.”

Arin snorted. “Yeah, stupid is kind of my default state, isn't it?”

“You're not stupid. Don't put yourself down.”

“I've come to terms with it.”

“I didn't mean to say it like that. I meant that you were just joking,” Dan amended. “And I knew that. I shouldn't have been such a dick about it.”

The look Arin gave him was odd. “That's what you thought?”

“Well yeah, I _was_ kind of a dick.”

“That's not what I meant.”

Dan blinked. “What? How much do you remember? Because I yelled – ”

“I remember enough. I remember that I made things weird.”

“ _You_ made things weird?” Dan suddenly felt a wave of hysteria coming and quashed it. “Pretty sure I made things weird the second I asked you to help me figure out how to put something up my ass.”

Arin's laughter came out kind of wrong, sort of short and high-pitched, but it was genuine. “Shit, dude, that wasn't weird at all. If it was, then we're both weird, but fuck it.”

“Butt fuck it,” Dan repeated, and Arin laughed harder.

And for some reason Dan laughed too. It wasn't funny, but it _was_ , in a strange way. Or maybe he was just relieved. “We can be weird together, then.”

“Hell yeah.” Arin smiled as if to let Dan know that he liked that answer, but then it faded and he went quiet. 

Still. It seemed like a peace offering. Dan would take what he could get.

Dan chanced a glance at his face and he saw that Arin looked pensive, maybe a little sad. He made a few sudden movements, like he kept trying to speak, and kept thinking better of it. 

But finally, he just shook his head.

“If I ever make you feel uncomfortable,” Arin said, glancing over at him. “You'll tell me, right?”

“Absolutely,” Dan assured him. “If I had a problem I would let you know. You know me, Ar'.” He hesitated. He knew exactly why Arin had phrased it like that. “And, you know. Likewise. Sometimes I suck at picking up cues, so - let me know if I ever say something that crosses the line.”

“I will,” Arin said, with a funny little sidelong glace. “Because, straight up, you're pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to me since I met Suzy and I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I did anything to change what we have.”

Another sinking feeling. Dan wasn't sure why. That was what he wanted to hear – that was exactly how he felt. 

Wasn't it?

“You're my best friend,” Dan said softly. “Nothing could ever change that.”

Dan could see a smile tug at Arin's mouth. There was still something sad about his eyes. “Thanks,” he said. “That's all I could ever ask for. Thank you.” 

Dan puzzled over that. “I'm not saying that to be nice, or something. It's just how I feel. I kinda hoped you knew that already.”

“Right.” Arin took a breath. “Of course I did. But I like hearing it. How about we stop being all serious and just – forget about it and move on?”

“Yeah.” Dan made himself smile. It was okay. He was okay. There was nothing to be disappointed about. “No hard feelings, big cat. I love you.” 

He hadn't planned on saying that. It just slipped out.

“Love you too.” Arin brightened, and now he was smiling, and everything was okay again. “So we're cool, yeah? You excited for today?”

Dan wanted Arin to keep smiling. “You were right,” he said.

“What do you mean? Right about what?”

Dan grinned. “There really is such a thing as a stupid question.”

Arin stared for a second. Then he laughed so hard he nearly missed their turn. 

And despite himself, despite everything, Dan laughed too. 

**

Dan was glad to see that there weren't too many cars parked up in the back lot. They'd already agreed they'd have to turn around and re-think their plans if the park was too crowded. 

“I've never been to this part of the park before.” Arin sounded upbeat. He found a spot in the shade and backed in. “It looks familiar. You've sent me pictures, I think.”

“I think so. I don't remember.”

“Or maybe I saw it on your Instagram.”

“Really?” Dan thought about that. He didn't think Arin ever really went on Instagram. “Maybe that's right. It's nice up here. Quiet, usually. Most people go around the other way.”

“Looks like we have the place mostly to ourselves,” Arin agreed. “Good. I'm getting hungry.”

Arin ran his AC in the car so cold that Dan usually had goosebumps. The transition into the heat of high noon hit him like a slap. The sky was a severe kind of blue, intense and beautiful. Even the brilliant red spiky flowers that dotted the parched valley below looked wan in comparison. The sun was drawing rippling heat waves up from the cracked tarmac in the parking lot. 

Dan made a face and pulled his hair up off his neck. He wasn't about to complain. Not when he was here, out of his house, with Arin. Just being out in the world made his problems feel insignificant. The disappointment still lingered, but Dan could live with that. Arin was acting more like himself, and that was all that mattered.

Arin got out a cooler from the trunk and glanced at Dan.“Is it gonna be too hot up here for you and your broken sweat glands?”

Dan considered. “Don't think so. It'll be shady up by the picnic tables anyway.”

“True.” Arin struggled to balance the cooler on his thigh as he closed the trunk. “You want a hair tie?”

Dan shook his head. He didn't want his hair to have a big stupid dent in it later, when they went back to his place. “I'm fine.”

“Here,” Arin said, opening the cooler. “Have an ice pack, then.”

It came flying through the air. Dan caught it easily and pressed it against the back of his neck, mostly to appease Arin. The shock of it felt so good that he closed his eyes and groaned, tipping his head back. “Oh shit, that does feel good. Thanks.”

“No problem.” Arin sounded strained. Probably because the cooler was heavy. “If you faint, I'll have to carry you all the way back to the car. And I am not down for a workout today.”

 _You could, though._ Dan opened his eyes and looked at the way Arin's muscles stood out as he hefted the cooler. He stared a little too long to make a joke of it, and a bit of yesterday's queasiness came back. He shook it off and said, “Speaking of carrying things - ”

“I'm good.” Arin shifted the cooler to his left arm and balanced their tray of drinks – plain iced tea for Dan, and some fruity sweet pink thing for Arin – in the palm of his right hand. A rivulet of sweat ran down his forehead and into his eye. Arin squinted and blinked it away.

“Arin,” Dan said, exasperated, and he reached for the drinks. “Let me help.”

“I don't mind,” Arin said, but he surrendered the tray. 

Dan knew that. It was such an Arin thing to do, to take on all the work without a single complaint, but there was a note of uncertainty in it all. He thought about it as he followed Arin up the dusty path, skirting around the occasional dog-walker or passerby, their feet scuffing against the gravel. It was like Arin was being over-careful, like maybe he was trying too hard.

Dan couldn't help but notice that maybe Arin's smile looked a little too much like it was struggling to stay on his face. Dan _knew_ Arin, he noticed things – like the frustration etched into the lines of his body, the odd distant look in his eyes, something like sadness or longing.

Or maybe Dan was overthinking shit as usual.

The path wound its way up to what was technically the back end of the park. It was mostly empty except for a pair of fellow picnickers laying on a blanket beneath a tree, too wrapped up in each other to notice much of anything.

“Nice,” Arin said. “We pretty much have the place to ourselves. Where do you wanna sit?”

There were six or seven picnic tables scattered around the little field. Most of them had been pulled up close to the abandoned playground. Dan's eyes landed on the outlier, perched perfectly in a generous patch of shade under a tree. “Over there looks good.”

Arin had outdone himself. When Arin had texted him, saying that he was going to take care of the food, Dan had been expecting takeout or leftovers or something. Instead he'd made sandwiches, plain for Dan the way he liked, and fruit salad, and he'd even thought to bring napkins and forks. 

And okay, maybe it wasn't a date, maybe Dan felt horribly embarrassed for even letting that thought pass through his head, but it was still nice. 

“It's nothing,” Arin said when Dan commented on the fare. He said it offhandedly but Dan could tell he was pleased. “I thought about grabbing some chicken nuggies for you but forgot to tell Suzy when she ran to the store.”

“These are better than chicken nuggies,” Dan said after his first bite. “They were made with love. I can taste it.”

“Better than chicken nuggies? Who are you and what have you done with my Dan?”

Those last two words danced around in Dan's head.

“I killed him,” Dan said, struggling to contain a grin. “I'm his evil twin, Nad.”

Arin's peal of laughter was so loud that he startled a flock of birds out of the tree. The couple rolling around on the grass broke apart and looked over, comically startled. Dan's grin widened, and the longer Arin laughed the funnier it became, until Dan lost it and started laughing too, going practically nonverbal as he wheezed.

With the mood considerably lightened, Dan felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He was able to relax and just enjoy himself and Arin's company. It was hard to talk and eat a sandwich at the same time. That was okay, though. It was pleasant just to hear the wind in the trees, watch the spiky palms sway, their shadows dancing on the ground. Dan listened to Arin telling one of his long-winded stories with half an ear, thinking about how lucky he was that Arin was so willing to put up with him.

Dan's gaze trailed off into the distance, his thoughts wandering back to that day so many years ago. The first time he'd met Arin and gone out for lunch with him. How innocent he'd been, how naive, how young and stupid and aimless. He had no idea that his life was about to change forever. 

“Dan,” Arin said. “ _Dan._ Did I lose you?”

Dan snapped back to the present. He looked at Arin, red-faced. “Sorry. Zoning out. I swear I was listening.”

“Got a little distracted, huh?” There was something odd about Arin's smile.

“What?” But then Dan saw where he'd been looking. There was a girl coming up the trail, a good-looking thirty-something in a blue dress. Her blonde hair rippled down her back, pale yellow in the sun. She turned her head, saw Dan looking, and favoured him with a smile.

Dan smiled back politely and turned back to Arin.

“I'd tell you to go say hi,” Arin said, with that smile still plastered on his face, “but I don't think flirting is part of social distancing, and she's definitely not wearing a mask.”

“I wasn't even staring at her,” Dan said, flushing darker red. “I was just kind of drifting off.”

“Sure.” Arin waggled his eyebrows. 

“I was.” Dan frowned. “Besides, what the hell, I'm not going to ditch you to go flirt with some random chick.”

“I wouldn't stop you.” Arin seemed strangely insistent. “I'd be okay with it.”

Dan felt a little stab somewhere in his chest. He tried to turn it into a joke. “Am I that boring? You're that eager to get rid of me?”

Arin shrugged. “Course not. But if it would make you happy...”

“Is this like another pity thing?” Dan squinted at him, suspicious. 

“A pity thing?”

“Yeah. Because I told you yesterday that I was lonely. You're feeling sorry for me, aren't you?”

“Definitely not a pity thing,” Arin said with a note of exasperation. “Jesus, Dan. I told you that already. I just don't like to think of you feeling sad or lonely.”

“I'm not, generally speaking.”

“I just want you to be happy.” Arin said it with a kind of odd determination. Like he had something to prove. “How long has it been since you've been on a date?”

“Jeeze, I dunno,” Dan said vaguely. Dating was the last thing on his mind. It was impossible right now anyway – but even before all of this, Dan had felt less and less like putting an effort into looking for anyone else. He'd met lots of women. They were all nice, in their own way. The dates had been fun, sometimes a little awkward, but fun. But none of them felt right. 

“What about that girl you told me about?” Arin frowned. “Abby, Maddy, something like that.”

It took him a second. “That was over a year ago.” Dan honestly couldn't recall her name. He remembered her pretty brown hair, cut to her shoulders. She'd made him laugh on the first date, which was enough to interest Dan into asking for another. 

“What happened?”

“It just kind of fizzled out.”

“Well, you'll find someone else,” Arin said, with such an air of assurance that Dan had to laugh.

“Sure,” he said. “If you say so.”

“I know so. If you put up a dating profile you'd have a lineup from here to Jersey.” 

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, alright.” The thought of online dating made his skin crawl.

“Dude, what the fuck, do you not know how hot you are?”

“ _Arin._ ” Dan squirmed, trying not to blush. “Thanks. I mean, I'm okay. I don't have a self image problem or anything.” That was true enough. He was okay with how he looked, maybe except for his lack of muscle. “I'm just sick of looking.”

Arin nodded. “What are you looking for?”

“Dunno,” Dan said again. “Something serious, I guess.”

“Yeah? Mr. Commitment-makes-me-itchy?”

He had said that years ago, hadn't he? “Well, yeah. I've tried the short-and-sweet thing and it never works out well for either party. Either it's just not worth the effort, or it backfires and someone gets hurt.” _Usually me._ “I guess I'm not the one night stand kind of guy, but I also never feel strongly enough about them to stick with it.”

“It takes time,” Arin offered. “I mean, yeah, alright, that sounds like the most generic advice in the world, but – ”

“I appreciate the effort,” Dan said, smiling. “You know, I just always think of what my sister said. She's got her shit together, you've met her. They're not one of those nauseatingly cute couples or anything but they're just – partners. In every sense of the term. No drama, no guessing games, no fighting. Like you and the Suze. That would be nice, I think. I'm too old to fuck around.”

“What did your sister say?”

“I've talked about it on the show. She said that you just have to find a best friend you wanna fuck.”

She'd shot him a sidelong glance after she said it, like it was supposed to be a revelation. Dan didn't get it. _That's it?_ he remembered saying. _I mean, isn't it a little more complicated than that?_

She'd sighed then, and then just shook her head. 

“I mean, she's not wrong,” Arin said, and laughed. His cheeks were getting red. Dan wondered absently if he'd put on sunscreen. “That's how I feel, too.” He paused and hurriedly added, “You know, about Suzy.”

“If only it were that easy,” Dan said, and he couldn't help but sound wistful.

“Well,” Arin said finally, “it'll happen for you, someday.”

He looked down and busied himself with unwrapping another sandwich. Dan stared at him, suddenly wishing that Arin would say something else.

“Someday,” Dan repeated vaguely. He thought again of the women he'd met. It wasn't that he didn't like any of them. They were alright, mostly. He'd never had that feeling that happy couples talked about – that sense of _the one_ or whatever. Maybe that was a myth, but surely there had to be something, some special spark. Or it would have to be like the best date in the world, time slipping by easily, no awkward silences, just two people clicking right away and getting along like old friends.

It had never been that good. Not even on the second date, or the third, or fourth. When it came down to it, none of the dates had been as fun or exciting as just hanging out with Arin. Even just a simple recording session with Arin was better than another dinner date with a girl whose smile seemed a little starched when he tried to talk about his band or his interests, or one that went on about the compatibility of their zodiac signs. Or worse, ones that perked up noticeably when they realized that he was semi-famous. 

Out loud he said, “Well, I'm not too concerned. I'm happy with the way my life is now. Once the world is back to normal, and I can actually have a social life, I'll stop being such a Debbie Downer and get over myself. I like my privacy, for the most part. Right now it's just getting repetitive.”

“Gotta shake things up,” Arin agreed, with a sly glance. “Try new things.”

“What do you - _oh._ ” Dan was startled into a laugh. “Yeah, um, that definitely did take my mind off of the world imploding.”

“I'm that good, am I?”

“Yeah,” Dan said, rolling his eyes playfully. “All that and so humble, too.”

“It's hard being so perfect,” Arin said loftily. But then his face softened.“But all jokes aside, it's been fun. It's cool that we can be so open with each other.”

“After all this time, I finally got inducted into the famous exclusive D Club.”

“I'll make you a T-shirt.” Arin leaned forward. “I mean it, though. I have a ton of respect for you for broadening your horizons.” 

“I don't know if I can take much credit.” Dan shrugged, embarrassed. “I mean, it was all you, wasn't it?”

“Takes two to tango.”

“Oh my god, I meant – just the idea in general.”

Arin tilted his head, inviting Dan to elaborate.

“You've been open about trying that stuff for the entire time I've known you. I don't think I would have ever considered it otherwise.” Dan paused. “There's a lot of stuff that you've introduced me to, actually. Not just – the sex stuff, but like...the way you look at things, the way you express yourself, the way you handle conflict. When I look at how much I've changed from my early thirties to now, I have to say, a lot of it was from you.”

“I feel the same way,” Arin said. “Like, everything about my life right now has been like, influenced by you in some way. You're giving me a lot of credit here. I've changed a lot too. I used to be way more of an asshole, but you're like...this fucking fountain of love and positivity, and when I met you I was like, I wanna be like that, too.”

“There's a lot of me that I couldn't be without you,” Dan quoted lightly. Where had he heard that? It had always stuck with him. Saying it out loud now hit him right in the heart.

And judging by Arin's face, it hit him somewhere, too. 

“I dunno what I did to deserve you,” Arin said, “but fuck, I'm glad you're here.”

“Yeah,” Dan said, and his voice wobbled. “Me too.” 

It was yesterday all over again. Dan had to laugh at himself. “When did I become such a fucking sap?”

“Hate to tell you this, but you've always been a big fuckin' sap.” 

“True,” Dan admitted. “I mean, I cried when we went to that stupid lightsaber place, who does that?”

“You cried when we watched that antelope documentary,” Arin said. “You cried at fucking _Disney on Ice._ ”

“Fucker,” Dan shot back, as affectionately as he could, “so did you.”

Arin laughed. Under the table, his knee nudged against Dan's. And that simple little gesture made Dan's throat lock up. 

He glanced at Arin's hands, resting on the table. After a moment he laid his own hand on top of Arin's.

Arin looked at their hands too, and then at Dan's face. Then he turned his hand over, palm up, and they wove their fingers together in a motion so fluid and natural that it didn't seem weird at all. And why would it be weird? Nothing about what they'd done had ever felt weird. Dan's hand tightened, and Arin squeezed back, comforting, grounding him. 

He could stay up here forever – he wished they could – he wished Arin would stop looking at him with those soft eyes, because it was making him feel strange – he wished that Arin had asked him that fucking question when he was clear-headed, or better yet, he wished that Arin had just fucking done it instead of asking Dan if he wanted to, because then – 

_Don't,_ Dan begged himself. _Don't let yourself think about it._

Arin and his frank honesty. Arin and his complete lack of judgment, fair and clear and confident. Arin and his fucking smile, his immense strength and incredible gentleness – Arin's hands on his skin, firm and sure and capable. 

_Fuck._

“Are you okay?” Arin's voice broke into his thoughts.

“Yeah.” Dan's voice was gruff. He cleared his throat. “Yeah, I'm fine.”

And he was. Mostly. He had to be. The shock was already fading, because it wasn't a surprise. Dan had kind of known it all along.

The only thing that was surprising, really, was just how fucking dense Dan had been not to notice it before. He wasn't like the guys in the D Club. He would have never let anyone else in the world touch him the way Arin had. Not Brian, not the Triforce guys, not any of the friends he'd loved and trusted with his life. How had he not fucking realized that sooner?

Even the act itself, which had suddenly started to fascinate him – those thoughts had all been wrapped up in Arin from the beginning. It had all been theoretical until Arin came into it. What was a late night Google search about something taboo, anyway? There was no substance to it, no burning desire, nothing but simple curiosity until Arin knew. 

Until Dan knew that the D Club was more than just some dumb dick sharing thing, that Arin had _thoughts_ , and then...

That sharp twist in Dan's stomach – he had a name for that feeling. 

Jealousy.

The urge to prove himself, that competitive edge that Arin brought out in him, the thought that he could be – that he could get as close, maybe, as close as he dared, like when he and Dana were kids and they put their hands over the candles in the menorah, daring to swipe their fingers ever closer to the flame -

“Dude, did I fuckin' poison you with my sandwiches or what?” Arin asked, concerned. “You look really out of it all of a sudden.”

“Yeah. Sorry, just – give me a second.”

“You feel sick?”

“Yeah.”

Arin squeezed Dan's hand, trying to comfort, trying to help. “Do you have to hurl? I'll hold your hair.”

“Not gonna hurl. I'm just. I...uh...” Dan put his hands on his thighs and breathed, his head swimming. “Sorry,” he managed.

Arin said something else. His name, maybe. The sound was swimming around, hard to decipher.

Dan shook his head. _Wait. One second. Just one second, let me..._

But it was too late. He was starting to spiral. Losing control. He could feel his hands shaking. To busy them he reached for a water bottle, but fumbled with the lid and slopped water down the front of his shirt.

“Whoa,” Arin said. “Danny, hey. You're not getting heat stroke or something, did you?”

“No,” Dan said. Somehow that single syllable came out of his mouth slowly. 

“Do you need more water? Drink something. Or maybe we should go home.” Arin leaned forward and pressed a hand to Dan's forehead. “Shit. You're really hot.”

“Thanks,” Dan managed. Arin's touch was overwhelming. “You're not too bad yourself.”

The lines in Arin's forehead deepened even as his lips twitched. He brushed Dan's hair away from his face with infinite gentleness. “Let's get back to the car and get you in the air conditioning. It's a million fucking degrees out here. If you can't walk I'll carry you. Seriously.”

Dan opened his mouth to speak. Nothing came out. Arin's hand paused on the curve of Dan's jaw, cupping his face. 

It lingered there for what must have been a fraction of a second, but it felt like an eternity. 

Dan's jaw tingled where Arin's fingers had been. He stared into Arin's eyes, hypnotized. Arin was leaning forward, fixated on _him_ , and fuck if it didn't feel just like that night at Arin's house, in the living room in the dark. Wishful thinking? A hallucination? Actual heatstroke? 

“Arin...” 

Arin's head tilted, his eyes warm and concerned. “Yeah?”

For a second Dan let himself sink into pure irresponsible hedonism, imagining it. Closing his eyes. Arin taking the invitation and leaning in. Arin pulling back with a smile, his cheeks appled with his characteristic little teasing smirk, asking _Is that better?_ – and Dan answering, _yes, fuck, finally, do it again_ and making Arin laugh.

 _I'm gonna rock your world,_ Arin would say, and Dan could just close his eyes and trust him, because he knew it was the truth.

The fantasy faded. Arin was still looking at him. 

“Dan?” he asked softly. “Did you need anything? What can I do?”

 _Stupid,_ Dan chastised himself, because dwelling on what he _wanted_ versus just enjoying what he had would only make things worse. They'd already had a talk, things were okay again, and things would keep being okay as long as Dan kept up his end of the deal.

“Nothing,” Dan said. “Just, yeah, you're right. I feel like I might be overheating.” God, he hated lying to Arin. 

“Sure,” Arin said easily, though he still looked worried. “So you wanna go?”

Dan winced. “Yeah. Sorry.”

“Don't be a dingus,” Arin said automatically.

“I know we didn't really do much, and we drove all this way...”

“Shit, don't be sorry, what the fuck. I had fun, dude.”

“Yeah?”

“No,” Arin deadpanned. “Actually, I'm terribly upset. I can't believe I took time out of my day to hang out with my best friend. Such a fuckin' hassle. I had _so much_ to do and so many other places to be.”

Dan rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Alright, jesus.”

Arin kept going, groaning for dramatic effect. “Like for fuck's sake, a twenty minute drive, how awful. I can't believe you made me come up here. And how _dare_ you have a condition that makes you literally almost die if you get too hot?”

“Okay, okay, I get it.” Dan laughed. “I just hate being such a fuckin' wet blanket. I was hoping we could walk around and explore a bit, or something. The trails are actually cool as fuck. Maybe I can cool down in the car, and then – ”

“Well, uh, actually,” Arin paused. “I also have to take a _crazy_ piss and I was hoping you'd want to pack up soon. I just didn't want to say anything earlier. You seemed so hype for the picnic.”

Dan tried not to laugh too hard. It wasn't really funny. It was stupid. It wasn't even meant to be funny. But somehow the broken tension felt like a spark setting off all the gas in a room at once and it was impossible to hold his giggles back. His over the top reaction made Arin start laughing too, and at that point Dan was gone.

“Okay,” Dan said when they'd run out of breath. He hiccuped. “That actually makes me feel better. And now that you say it, I kinda gotta go, too.”

“Well, we can either take turns braving the single crooked Porta-Potty down by the gate, or we can go home.”

Dan made a horrified face. “Fuck, I saw that thing. It looked like it was about to tip over.”

“You ever see a Porta-Potty tip over?”

Dan shuddered. “Yeah. I went to this gross festival in Philly with Joe one year. Some idiots shoved one over.”

“Was somebody inside?”

“Thankfully, no.”

“Did it look like the chocolate waterfall in _Willy Wonka_?”

“Thanks for ruining that scene forever.” Dan wrinkled up his nose. “Let's go home, please.”

“My thoughts exactly.”


	7. vii.

“Dude,” Arin said, awestruck. “Your bed is _huge._ ”

“California king, baby,” Dan said, flopping on his back and bouncing ungracefully. “Living my best rockstar life.” 

He thought he was doing a fine job of acting like nothing was wrong. The shock had worn off and he was okay again, at least for now. Maybe later, he'd have time to be sad about it, for whatever good that would do. For the moment he wanted to do his best to enjoy what he _could_ have. 

“I'm kinda jealous,” Arin said. “Maybe I'll have to upgrade. You wouldn't think a little thing like Suzy could take up so much space, but she sleeps like a starfish.”

“She a blanket thief too?”

“Fuckin' right she is. I don't know how she manages to get herself into a burrito without waking up.”

“A woman of many talents,” Dan said sagely.

Arin's eyes moved around the room, taking everything in. His eyes stuck for a second at Dan's dresser where he had a few framed pictures – his family, mainly, but there was one of himself on stage with Arin. It was a candid shot from one of Dan's friends in the front row, taken just as they were saying their goodbyes and thanking the crowd. Dan's face was frozen in a bit of a goofy look with his mouth half-open, but somehow he had managed to catch Arin at his best – grinning, triumphant, one arm around Dan's back and his hand resting loosely on the curve of Dan's waist. 

It was one of the only things that Dan had brought home with him from his office desk, besides his laptop. 

“So what do you think?” Dan asked after a pregnant pause. Arin was just _standing_ there, maybe even hanging back like he was hesitant. Maybe he was trying to be considerate. Dan certainly hoped he wasn't having any reservations.

“Chic. Trendy. Minimalist. Avant-garde.”

Dan groaned. “I'm not talking about the fucking décor, dude.”

“It's sort of weird,” Arin said, conversationally. “You'd think your house would be like, the ultimate bachelor pad stereotype. Clothes all over the floor. Old hand-me-down shit. Posters on the walls. Instead it's all fuckin' classy and shit.”

“I paid an interior designer,” Dan pointed out. Arin was still looking around as if committing the details of his room to memory, and Dan couldn't quite figure out why there was such a wistful look on his face.

But even though Arin seemed distracted, he was quick on the draw. “You pay a stylist too and still walk around in ripped jeans and t-shirts from the nineties.”

“Hey,” Dan protested. “My stylist is awesome. She gets my aesthetic.”

“I like your aesthetic,” Arin said. “And I like your house. But it's just like your desk at work. Way too neat.”

Dan shrugged. “I like it,” he said honestly. “It just...feels good to have everything so neatly sorted and organized. Every little thing in its place, where it should be.”

“Huh,” Arin said, thoughtfully. As if that meant something to him. “I get it.”

“Good.” All of a sudden Dan felt flustered. “So are we just going to analyze my design skills, or what?”

“What,” Arin said, and sat himself on the bed. His weight tipped Dan to the side and Dan had to brace himself so as not to roll into him. It took Dan way longer than it should have to figure out Arin's reply.

Before Dan could formulate a response, Arin met his eyes and leered, all over the top. He patted the mattress and said, “So this is where the magic happens, huh?”

“Oh my god.” Dan gave him a look. “Can you get any lamer, Arin?”

Arin's grin got bigger. “Oh, yeah I can. Try me.”

Dan groaned. “No thank you.”

“I mean, unless there's something else we could do.” Arin leaned back against the headboard, cushioning his head in his hands. “If only we weren't so bored, alone together in your house with nothing to occupy our time.”

“Arin, I swear to god...”

“If only there was something we could play with together.”

Dan fought against the instinct to squirm. The tension felt like static crackling through his bones, unbearable. And yet Arin's teasing was almost soothing, in a weird way. It felt safe. Familiar. The last safe handhold before the next step would send him plummeting into the unknown. 

“You know, there was something.” Arin tapped his foot against Dan's leg. “I can't remember, but you couldn't shut up about it the other day.”

That really was too much. “I couldn't shut up about it?” Dan spluttered. “You're the one that's been – fuckin', telling me for years about how good it feels.”

Arin's eyes were dancing. “Well, was I right, or what?”

“What,” Dan shot back, struggling to control his mouth to contain his smile. He liked getting one over on Arin, when he could, throwing his own lame joke back at him. 

“Huh.” Arin gave an exaggerated shrug. “That's too bad. I guess we'll just have to find something else to do.” 

He made as if to get up, and Dan scowled and said, “Fucker, don't you dare. We're doing this. Just give me a minute, jesus.”

Arin's smile only got bigger as Dan grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “Oh, now you're getting pushy, huh?”

“I'm not _pushy_ ,” Dan protested. “Look, this might be no big deal for you, but it is for me. This is fucking scary. I need you for moral support.”

Arin's smile faded. “It's kind of a big deal to me too,” he said, more softly. “I'm not making light of it. I'm just trying to make you laugh.”

Dan relaxed. Maybe. “Okay.”

“I'm not going anywhere, alright? Not unless you tell me to get the fuck out, or something.”

“Why would I do that?”

Arin just shrugged and looked down at his hands. “I dunno. If you're not having a good time, I guess? I just don't want you to feel scared, or like, obligated to go through with this. I want you to be excited.”

“I am,” Dan said, but that fell flat. He _was_ excited, but not in the _fuck yeah, bro_ way that Arin seemed to have whenever he mentioned this – whatever this was. Dan's excitement was in the form of a deep-seated fire somewhere in his stomach, below the heavy ball of nerves and misgivings and reservations.

And yet – there was something different about Arin this time, too. He was acting the same, speaking the same way as before, teasing Dan and making stupid jokes, but it was all just a little too overdone. A little too _polished_. Like a well-rehearsed script.

Puzzled, Dan tried to analyze what was going on in his head, trying to sort out whether or not he was misinterpreting things. There was nothing specifically wrong – nothing perceptible – but everything was just slightly off kilter, and once he'd noticed, it was impossible to shake off. 

He shot a sidelong glance at Arin, who was now propped up beside him, waiting for – waiting for what, a signal from Dan? For Dan to fucking _ask_ him to make the first move? It was impossible to tell. Impossible to predict what might happen next. Dan didn't like uncertainty and he didn't like having to ask Arin to do this for him, like it was a favour or a chore or a weird transactional thing. 

But when they made eye contact, some of Dan's odd vertigo faded, and he remembered to breathe.

Arin tilted his head, a silent _you okay_? 

His concern was genuine. Dan certainly didn't have any doubts about that. And maybe that would make the rest of it okay. 

Dan met his gaze steadily, trying to answer without words. 

Arin acknowledged his barely perceptible nod and flashed a quick smile. “Alright,” he said, and suddenly sat up. “So where is it, anyway?”

“Where is what?” 

Arin's eyebrow hiked. “The toy you were saving just for me.”

Dan's heart gave a little jump. He hesitated. “Under the bed.”

“Under the bed? Who are you hiding it from?” Arin leaned over, groping around, the back of his shirt riding halfway up his pale white back. “Is it open already?”

“Um, yeah. I mean, I didn't take it out of the box, but the box is open.”

“You didn't put the batteries in?”

“I was gonna. I have some in the drawer.”

“Makin' me do all the fuckin' work,” Arin said amiably, and then it was just _there_ , in Arin's hand, ridiculous and obscene and comical all in one. 

It was blue. It was shiny. It looked like a cross between a dildo and a gearshift and a bicycle seat – a curved bulbous shaft, a solid smooth base that arched up in the middle like an insole for a shoe – except that arch was supposed to nestle up behind his fucking _balls_ and vibrate there, promising _hours of ecstasy_ as the website stated in aggressively capitalized font. It looked way too weird to actually be here, in Dan's bedroom, a real object and not just a theoretical object or a fantasy that Dan could escape from by just thinking hard about something else.

“Awesome, right?” Arin moved it closer and Dan actually flinched away. “Dude, it's not a fucking bomb. It's not gonna hurt you.”

“Yeah.” Dan flushed, embarrassed. “Sorry. It just – it looks bigger than I thought.”

“It's really not that big. See,” Arin said, and extended his index and middle fingers. He held them up against the thickest part of the shaft and let Dan see the comparison. Dan stared at the breadth of those two fingers, reminding himself that they'd been inside his ass already – and he'd loved it so much he'd been reduced to a panting, mindless mess.

“I guess you're right” he had to say. He had to say _something,_ and not just stare, round-eyed, like he'd never seen a fucking dildo before. 

“Just trust me, alright?” Arin fished out the pack of double A batteries and went about getting them into the appropriate slot in the base. “I have this same one and it's so easy to take.”

Something shifted, somewhere between Dan's chest and his stomach. “You, um,” he started, and he had to stop and clear his throat and try again. “What was that like, the first time you...”

“Put this particular toy up my ass?” Arin stopped to think. “I think, the first time, Suzy actually used it on me.”

Dan swallowed. He was picturing it – Arin on his stomach, hands above his head, maybe. Or Arin on his back, head tipped back, thighs open. Arin groaning deep and low as it pushed inside.

“And it didn't hurt?” Dan asked faintly. The images stuck in his head and lingered like sunspots.

“Not even for a second,” Arin assured him. “I came all over myself. You just gotta go slow. Now hold on, I put the fucking batteries in backward.”

“I don't know if I need it to vibrate yet,” Dan admitted, hugging his arms around himself. “Maybe I'll work up to it one day, but...”

“Up to you. I just wanted to see if it works.” Arin pushed a button and the little blue dildo started to purr gently. Dan's ears honed in on the sound. Both the tip and the base – the part that Dan assumed would be pressed flush against his taint, once the whole thing was inside – were vibrating together.

“Whoa,” Dan blurted. 

“Nice,” Arin approved, and then he clicked in rapid succession. The sound increased from a purr, to a rumble, to an aggressive whir. “This is like an updated model. Mine only has the first three settings.”

“ _Arin._ ”

“Setting five would like, shake you apart.” Arin sounded awed. The toy sounded like a billion angry wasps and was moving so fast that it was literally a blur. “I can barely hold on to this thing.”

“You know,” Dan said conversationally, trying not to stare at the way Arin's fingers encircled the base of the shaft, the way he touched the head of the toy to feel the movement, “you're doing a pretty horrible job at setting the mood.”

“Setting the mood? What, like you want me to light a few candles and put on Barry White?” Arin paused. “Or do I mean Barry Manilow?”

Dan's stomach dipped unpleasantly. His smile flickered. Arin didn't seem to notice. 

“Probably White.” Dan said. It came out flat.

“Am I thinking of two different people?”

“ _Yes,_ Arin.”

“Oh, whatever, don't even give me that tone, _Daniel._ I bet people get them mixed up all the time.”

“They really, really don't.”

“How do you know?”

“Um,” Dan said, “one's been dead for twenty years?”

“That doesn't mean people don't get them mixed up.”

“ _Arin._ They sound nothing alike. Also, one is black and the other one is white.”

“Which one's which?”

“Well, um, ironically enough – ”

Arin's shoulders shook with his laugh. Dan was smiling too, but it was a bit of a struggle. Arin's joke about romance felt a lot more personal than Arin had obviously meant it to. The comment seemed out of place, somehow. If it was just a joke Dan could smile. If it was a jab, even a playful one, Dan could smile and return fire. And if it was serious – 

Except it couldn't be serious, it was a dumb joke, and Arin was even still laughing.

Dan bit the inside of his lip, chewed lightly, letting the sting ground him.

“Did you know that Barry Manilow did the State Farm Insurance jingle?” Dan asked out of the blue. It was a pretty good deflection. “You know, the _like a good neighbour, State Farm is there_!”

“Dude,” Arin said with complete sincerity, “that's fuckin' awesome. Good for him.”

“He did the Pepsi one too,” Dan said, finding a bit of solace in this tactic. He was rambling, barely listening to what came out of his own mouth, but it was safe ground – it was familiar, like talking to Arin on the Grump couch or in his office and not in Dan's fucking _bed._ “Like _all across the nation, it's a Pepsi generation_ , or however it goes.”

“With Kendall Jenner?”

Dan blinked. “What?”

“I mean Kendall Jenner,” Arin insisted, getting animated now. “The other one, the one that's not the lipstick girl.”

“I don't live under a _rock_ , I know who you mean. But what does she have to do with anything?”

“The Pepsi commercial!”

It wasn't even funny, but Dan was keyed up and tense. His laughter came quick and nervous, bubbling out of his mouth before he felt it in his chest. Arin's face was all lit up, his cheeks struggling to contain his own stupid grin, and looking at him made something unlock, made Dan want to laugh for real.

“Alright, alright,” Dan giggled, curling his legs up to his chest, “stop _yelling_ at me.”

“I'm not yelling!”

“Oh my _god_ , you are, and also, yelling at me with a fucking dildo in your hand is the most terrifying thing I've ever seen.”

Arin collapsed back against the pillow, his booming laughter echoing through Dan's big empty house. And Dan couldn't help it, couldn't stop the flood, couldn't stop his body from tipping over and knocking into Arin's side with the force of his laugh. They stayed like that, pressed together, gasping for breath. Arin slung an arm around Dan's shoulder and squeezed.

And maybe Dan wasn't one hundred percent, but that did take a lot of the sting away from Arin's little joke.

“Daniel,” Arin said when he could actually talk again. “You suck at pillow talk.”

“I most certainly do not.” 

“Pepsi commercials and dead musicians?” Arin raised an eyebrow. 

“No,” Dan said, exasperated, “the _live_ one did the – ”

“Alright, _alright_ , have it your way.” Arin grinned. “So hey, you gonna start taking your clothes off or do you want me to do that for you, too?”

He was just being stupid, just being _Arin_ , but Dan paled and found himself shrinking. “Hey, um.” His voice was shaky. “Could we just, maybe, keep talking a bit first before we just – ”

Arin dropped the act. “Yeah, of course. Dude, it's all up to you, okay? I'm here to help, not to like, push you into stuff.”

“Yeah,” Dan said, breathing in, breathing out. “You're just here to help.” 

“I mean, I'm here because I also want to be,” Arin amended. “But this is all totally on your terms.”

Dan knew that. He shouldn't have to be reminded of it. But he appreciated it all the same. “Thanks,” he said, and then, “Um, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Is it weird if I – ” Dan started, and then his courage failed, leaving him staring at Arin like an idiot.

Arin just chuckled. “Nothing about this is weird,” he said in that reasonable voice that settled Dan's nerves. “It's just _us_ , Dan. Just the two of us fucking around and having fun. Would I ever judge you?”

“You might,” Dan said, and fuck if his voice didn't crack. 

Arin's smile vanished. “Hey,” he said, worried now. He shifted back, giving Dan space, and he put the toy aside and his hands in front of him where Dan could see. “Are you freaking out?”

“Sort of.”

“Why now? What's so different?” Arin asked when Dan didn't elaborate. “Remember how much you liked it last time?”

Dan nodded. He didn't trust himself to speak. He shimmied up higher on the mattress and propped himself up on his side.

“Right,” Arin said, encouragingly. “It was awesome, and it's gonna be even better this time, and then you're gonna learn how to feel that good whenever the fuck you want. 'Cause once you realize how easy it is, you won't need help anymore. You can buy more stuff, or just use this one, whatever. The sky's the limit.”

“Right,” Dan managed to echo. 

Arin wriggled closer again, close enough that their knees touched. Dan looked Arin full in the face, saw his softness of his brow and the sincerity in his eyes, and had to close his eyes against the flood of emotion. How could he feel so _safe_ and yet so tense?

“What are you so scared of?” Arin probed. 

_I'm scared that I'll never have an excuse to be this close to you again. I'm scared that I'm lying to you. I'm scared that you wouldn't want to do this if you knew..._

“Nothing,” Dan lied. “I'm not scared. I mean, I am, but I trust you. It's just that...” Dan swallowed and looked at Arin's face so he could catch Arin's unfiltered reaction. “Can I, um, can I look at you, while we – ” 

Arin's face did something that Dan couldn't decipher. Whatever it was, he certainly didn't look weirded out. “You mean you wanna be on your back instead of facedown?”

“Is that weird?”

“No way, dude. Not at all. I mean, it might be, uh – you wouldn't find that more scary, would you?”

Dan shook his head. “I think maybe, I'd feel more in control?”

Another pause. Dan's stomach flipped again.

“It's all about you,” Arin finally said. “So yeah, if you wanna look at my dumb face, that's totally cool.”

“Are you _sure_ it's not weird?”

“Dan,” Arin said reasonably. “What have I told you? What, are you afraid you'll freak me out, or something? Cause I'd still do this if you told me you wanted to do a handstand against the fuckin' wall and get it upside down.”

Dan practically choked on his own tongue. “Oh my _god._ ”

Arin, sensing that he'd cut through the tension, started to giggle, and that set Dan off. They dissolved into a helpless fit of laughter.

“Okay, okay,” Dan said when he could speak. The brief rush helped him push onward. And Arin's laughter was so infectious – how could he not keep smiling? “I guess we should, um, get started?”

“You want me naked again?” Arin asked mildly, like he didn't care one way or the other.

Dan chewed on his lip. “Um. I want you to be comfortable? But – I mean – I guess I don't want to be the only naked one. But it really doesn't matter.” 

“I could keep my underwear on,” Arin said. “But uh, if I get, you know. It's gonna be visible either way.”

Dan's mind swam with the image of Arin, sitting back against the headboard, stroking his dick with that blissed-out look on his face, all that white white skin and his cock flushed so red and dark. Could he handle looking at that while Arin worked his magic on him? 

“Might as well take them off,” Dan said, trying his best to imitate Arin's carefree tone. 

“Makes sense.” 

And Arin just sat up and started unbuttoning his shirt, no reservations whatsoever. Before Dan could even blink, he was working his belt open and kicking his shorts down his legs. His skin looked less pale against Dan's white sheets and the top of his chest was faintly pink and sunburnt from where his shirt had gaped open at the neck.

“Jesus, okay.” Dan pushed himself up. “Just going for it, yeah, that works.” 

The shirt was easy. Dan could do that. The pants were easy too. It was when they were both down to their underwear that things seemed to start spinning around again, the air suddenly heavy, the reality of what was happening finally sinking home. 

Dan paused with his fingers tucked into the waistband of his boxers, and Arin said, “You look fuckin' good, dude.”

“Do I?”

“Yeah. You're way more tan than when I saw you last time.”

“I fell asleep on my deck out back.” Dan's face was hot. Arin was looking at him, grinning a bit like he really did like what he saw, and what the fuck was Dan supposed to do with that? “I didn't think I got that tan. Are you going to take your underwear off?”

There was a half second pause. Or maybe Dan was imagining things.

“Sure,” Arin said, and lifted his ass up off the bed to get them down his thick white thighs.

“Okay,” Dan breathed, “okay, yeah, my turn.” He didn't want to wait for Arin to prompt him. He could do this. He closed his eyes and arched his hips up, like Arin had, and blindly shoved his boxer briefs down. 

It was less awkward than the first time they'd stripped nude for each other – Arin had seen his fucking _asshole_ already, so just being naked was fine – but Dan couldn't shake the sense that something felt wrong. It was all robotic, like he was stripping for a medical procedure, or something. But there really wasn't any other way around it – not without making it utterly transparent that Dan didn't want a lesson on putting something up his ass. What he wanted was for Arin to _want_ to do this for him – do this _to_ him – for no reason except that it would bring them both pleasure. It was clear that Arin had fun last time and was pumped again now, but...for all the pleasure Dan knew lay ahead, for all the comforting things Arin had said, it still felt a little bit lifeless.

It wasn't enough. Dan wanted more. But he had to be content with what he had.

“You're thinking too hard,” Arin said out of nowhere.

Dan's eyes snapped open. Arin was resting with one hand behind his head and the other loosely settled over his dick. The width of Arin's hand couldn't quite cover the fact that he was sporting a semi.

“Sorry,” Dan said automatically, and then immediately felt stupid for apologizing. “It's just, you know. Not as used to being naked around people as you are.”

Arin acknowledged that with a nod. He knew how shy Dan was at the gym, in the dressing rooms, wherever else it would technically be okay to be casually naked. “I'm not _people_. I've seen it all.”

“I know.”

“Like I've already been right up in your butthole.”

“Oh my god, I _know_!” Dan covered his eyes. “Like I could forget!”

Arin puffed out his chest. “Hell yeah, I'm unforgettable.”

“I've had better.”

“See,” Arin grinned. “There's the Dan I know and love. I know you're fine when you start getting sassy with me.”

Dan huffed, trying to think up a clever response to that. But before he could, Arin rolled over, reaching towards the nightstand.

“Arin - ” Dan squeaked, and grabbed Arin's side. His skin there was soft, and Dan's fingers pressed little dimples into his chub. “Not yet, oh my god.”

“Dude, I'm not just gonna shove it up your ass.”

“I know, I know. I just need, um.” For fuck's sake, he couldn't ask for foreplay, what the fuck was he doing? “I think I just need to like – get excited first.”

“Hell yeah. Is that, uh, something you wanna just do yourself under the blanket while I look away?”

“I didn't mean – um. I guess I could give that a try.” His heart was pounding so fucking hard. “You don't have to look away, but if you want – I mean, if you don't wanna look, you don't have to.”

Arin shrugged. “Maybe I'll learn from your technique.”

Dan breathed in, and out, and in again. “Okay,” he said. “Okay.”

But his body wasn't letting it happen. Dan would be embarrassed if he weren't so busy freaking out and trying to calm himself. There was nothing to be scared of, for fuck's sake – they'd already been through this – this was supposed to be _better_ , and much less weird the second time around. Why the fuck couldn't he do this? Had it been this awkward the first time? 

_I know what I'm doing now. I know what I want. I didn't know before. It was just fun. But now I know..._

“Hey,” Arin said in a different voice, a worried voice. “Hey, Dan, if you're really freaking out this much then maybe we should re-think – ”

“No,” Dan interrupted. _Please don't stop._ “No, I want to, I just...need a minute.”

“That's not enough of a yes for me, dude.”

“Yeah,” Dan said. “Yeah, that's fair.”

 _Just tell him,_ he urged himself. It would be the right thing to do. Arin had to know what he was getting himself into. He had to know, or else it would be dishonest to go any further with him – it would be taking advantage of him, wouldn't it? Dan hadn't known before – he'd gone in blind, having convinced himself that all this somehow meant nothing to him. That Arin had nothing to do with his curiosity, his frenetic obsession about missing something in his life. That in his dreams, he wondered what it would be like...

“Maybe we should just talk for a while,” Arin suggested. “You know. Talk about the first time and what was awesome about it.”

“Um.” Dan's thoughts were about a million years ahead of his mouth. “I mean, all of it. Especially – ” _Listening to your voice. Being teased. Being taken care of..._ “ – I don't know,” he finished, like an idiot. 

“Dan,” Arin said again, his deep timbre rolling through Dan's body and making his chest go tight. “Are you sure everything's okay?”

 _No,_ Dan thought. “Yes,” he lied.

It wasn't convincing.

“You can talk to me,” Arin said, even more worried now. “You can tell me anything. Like – is something...is something different? It feels different and I hope it's not because...”

He didn't finish. And now when Dan looked for it, Arin didn't look quite sure of himself either. He was a better actor than Dan – or maybe Dan just wasn't as perceptive – but once he noticed, it was impossible to ignore. And once he noticed _that_ , Dan couldn't help but also realize that they were both leaning in, pressing closer to one another as if they were barely aware of it.

“Dan?”

Dan felt the puff of air from Arin's mouth. “Yeah.”

“Are you...” Arin's throat worked. He swallowed. His eyes went a little wider, the pupils expanding. Dan could see himself reflected in the dark pools. 

But Arin never finished. And it wasn't like Arin to be struck speechless. The expression on his face was strange. Almost like he was more nervous than Dan was, and had been doing a damn good job of hiding it.

Dan looked – _really_ looked. He could see every detail of Arin's face – his lidded eyes, the shadow of his eyelashes on his cheek, the pores on his nose and the short damp hairs that curled around his ears. The coppery bristles in his moustache, the scar on his lip, his soft pink mouth – his _mouth_ – Dan was staring, and Arin was two inches away and he _knew_ Dan was staring, and he wasn't pulling away or asking Dan what the fuck he was doing – 

Dan moved forward until he felt Arin's beard brush against his chin and the warmth of his breath. He felt the way Arin sucked in a quiet gasp. Maybe he moved, or maybe Dan did, Dan couldn't even tell – but suddenly Arin's mouth was pressed against his, and his hand was on Arin's arm, soft and then gripping hard, feeling the soft skin and the firm muscle beneath Arin's pale skin.

They weren't really doing much – they were both frozen, just resting there, but if Arin wasn't pulling back then Dan wouldn't either. Dan tilted his head to the side, just a bit, making the contact easier – and then suddenly Arin's hand was on his jaw, his fingers resting just under his ear, and then those fingers were sliding into Dan's hair.

A sound rose in Dan's chest and he surged forward – 

But then the moment shattered. Arin was backing away, saying in a low voice “hey, Dan, whoa, hey” like he was freaked out, like Dan had fucked everything up like he knew he would. The fog cleared and Dan was yanked into reality – slapped across the face with it. 

A thick cold horror rose up his throat. Jesus _Christ_ , what had he done? Dan made a desperate grab for the blankets and yanked them up to his chest. 

“Arin?” he asked in a small voice. “Arin, I...I'm so sorry.”

“What?” Arin looked drunk and disheveled. His eyes were glazed. 

“I didn't mean to do that,” Dan said falteringly. “I mean, I _did_ want to but – I didn't mean to...”

Arin just shook his head, not comprehending. Dan didn't blame him.

“Arin? Are you okay?”

“So, um,” Arin said, blinking the dazed look out of his eyes. “So, not complaining about what just happened – definitely not complaining – but maybe we should talk about it before we do it again. And I can't believe I'm saying that, but I'm getting some real mixed signals here, and it would be nice if I knew what was going on, so I – ” He swallowed, glanced down at Dan's mouth again, and said, “ - so I don't, you know, do something wrong that makes you not want to do that again. Because I really want to do that again, but I have to come clean first.”

“Come clean about what?”

Arin made a faint noise kind of like a groan. “Dan. Danny. I – listen, if you want to do this just to like, set the mood, I totally understand, but I don't know if I can. 'Cause I've wanted to do this for like, eight years, and I can only stay detached for so long, okay? This might be – the kissing thing – it might be way too much for me to do as like, a friends thing.”

Dan wasn't sure how to feel. He didn't understand what Arin was saying. “You've wanted to kiss me for years, but now you don't want to anymore?”

Arin groaned again. “Fuck,” he said, almost pleadingly. “It's not that I don't want to. I just know that I won't be able to keep pretending that this is just like, an experiment thing on my end. It's too much. It's too real.”

“I didn't kiss you as an _experiment,_ ” Dan said through numb lips. His nerves were rattled. The thought of having violated Arin's consent in any way made him feel sick. “I kissed you because I thought you wanted it as much as I did. I'm sorry.”

Arin rolled onto his back and said, “Okay. Um. Maybe my brain just isn't working, but I have no idea what's going on.”

“I really don't know how that could be any less clear,” Dan said weakly. 

“Okay, “ Arin said. “Okay. Yeah. So – you wanted to kiss me – as like, something to set the mood? Like just – hyping yourself up?”

“No.” Dan tugged at his own hair nervously. He couldn't keep lying. He couldn't keep running away from it. He had to be honest. “This isn't – I mean I know it's supposed to be but – for me, I don't think this is just like the D Club stuff any more. It's not just for fun or like – a lesson. Not for me, at least.”

Arin's eyes widened slightly. “Then – what is it?”

The answer stuck in Dan's throat. “That night we fell asleep in your living room,” he said instead. “Before I left, I thought we were about to kiss.”

“I know. We talked about this.” Arin's brow creased. “You called me out.”

“I just wanted some clarity,” Dan said. “Because I felt like I was going crazy. I felt – I felt _something_ , and I didn't know what it was.”

“Well, I thought I felt something too,” Arin said slowly, “but then you looked scared and took off.”

“I was scared,” Dan said, his heart pounding. “I didn't know what I was feeling, or why. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to fuck everything up.”

Arin took that in, looking mystified. “I was scared too,” he admitted. “When you just left and didn't say anything, I thought like okay, I get the message. I fucked up. But then you called, and you asked me about it, and you sounded almost...curious. I wasn't in my right mind so I couldn't tell for sure. But I was feeling stupid and emotional and I wanted to spill my guts, but then...that didn't end well.”

Dan met his eyes frankly. “Sometimes, when you don't know what to say, you'll turn it into a joke.” 

“That's true,” Arin admitted. “But it wasn't a joke.”

Dan's heart leapt. “You mean – ” he started, and then shook his head. “So I yelled at you like an asshole for nothing – fuck, Arin, I'm so sorry.”

“Don't be. I didn't really handle the situation well.”

“I wish I would have just been honest with you.” 

Arin took a shaky breath. “What if I asked you again?”

“I'd say that I would have kissed you back.” Dan couldn't believe what he was saying. “Maybe I would have stayed. Maybe I would have run. I don't know. It's a lot to handle – I mean, finally realizing what I really want from you.”

“What?” Arin demanded in a very different voice. “What do you want?”

Dan had gone too far to back out now. “I don't want to practice how to jerk off better because it's something friends do,” he said. “I don't want this to be just about teaching me something. I want it to be real.”

“Real as in,” Arin said slowly, like he didn't believe what he was hearing. “You don't just want me to show you how it works. You want me to do it just because – you want to. Not with anyone, not in general, but with me.”

“Yeah,” Dan said, “yeah, that's – pretty much it.”

Arin's eyes were wide, cautiously hopeful, still a little lost. “But I thought...we talked about this, too.”

“When?”

“Today. Before we went up to the park.”

A lightning bolt shot through him. A shocking moment of clarity. “I thought you were trying to say that you were sorry for leading me on,” Dan blurted. “That you blamed yourself because you were drunk, but you wanted to make it clear that we're just friends.”

“ _What?_ ” Arin shook his head. “Dude, what?”

“I don't know!” Dan burst out. “What the hell did you mean, then, when you said you didn't want things to change?”

“Because I meant it,” Arin groaned. “As much as I want you, our friendship comes first. I can hide all my stupid fucking feelings as long as you're in my life. But – if I could have more...”

And now Arin's voice cracked. He looked at Dan mutely, like he was afraid to even dare dream of it.

“If you could have more,” Dan breathed, “what would that look like?”

“Dunno,” Arin said tightly. “Being with you. Going out together, kissing, having – whatever this is, or supposed to be, but for real. And not just a one-time thing.”

“You mean, like dating,” Dan ventured, as a sudden rush of butterflies exploded in his stomach. “Partners. Not the heterosexual lifemate kind of partner, but -”

Arin made a sound that was half-laugh, half-groan. “There is literally nothing heterosexual about my feelings for you, Dan.”

“Yeah,” Dan said, fighting the crazy urge to grin. “Um, I'm in the same boat, I think.”

“Holy shit,” Arin said like he was just now realizing that Dan wasn't playing some prank. “You're serious.” 

Dan actually laughed. He still didn't quite believe that this wasn't a dream, but something like hope was unfurling in his chest. “Yeah. Glad we're on the same page.”

“So all this time, we could have been...” Arin shook his head. “Or is this something brand new?”

“I don't know. Maybe I was blocking it out. Maybe it scared me. I thought I was...just plain old boring straight Dan, you know? That's how it's always been. I've never thought that I was...not that there's anything wrong with being not straight, of course, but I've never...you know. I don't think I like guys in general. It's just you.”

“People don't always fit in neat little boxes,” Arin pointed out. “You don't have to try to fuckin' categorize yourself. It's not important. You can still be plain old boring Dan.”

“Thanks, Arin.” Dan managed to sound sarcastic, but he was smiling.

“You know what I mean, dude.”

“I think I kinda do.” Dan mustered up his courage. “I've been hung up about what's normal and what's not, and not letting myself just deal with what I want. But – I definitely have feelings for you too. And if you feel the same way, I would love to...you know...explore that, together.”

They looked at each other for a long time, their words lingering in the air, thick and heavy between them.

And in the silence, Arin finally said, “What would I do if I kissed you again?”

“I would kiss you back.”

“And – what if I wanted to do more?”

“Like right now?”

“Yeah.”

“Um,” Dan said. “We're already naked, so it's not like you'd have to do much work to get there?”

Arin stared at him for a second, and then broke up into giggles. “Fucker,” he wheezed, and Dan was grinning too, so happy to see Arin's face so giddy and carefree again. He didn't even notice that he was collapsing into Arin's side like he always did when they laughed together, didn't notice until Arin caught him by the shoulders and pulled him up to kiss him. They were kissing, and still smiling, and it was just _them_ \- there was nothing scary or different about it at all. Arin's hands were in his hair and Dan's hands were on Arin's back, and then Dan was being pinned down against the mattress and Arin was half on top of him, and they were still kissing but neither of them were laughing anymore.

Dan clutched Arin's shoulders and moaned, overcome by the feeling – none of his partners had ever been that much larger than him, an immovable mass with arms like tree trunks, and fuck if it wasn't making all the blood rush straight to his dick.

“Fuck,” Arin said against Dan's mouth. “You have no idea how much I've wanted this. How hard it's been to hold back and not just fuckin' ravage you on the Grump couch.”

Arin's words sent a rush through him. Dan squeezed Arin's shoulders again, moving his hands down Arin's broad, smooth back. “Should have _told_ me, dingus.”

“Should've fuckin' guessed when you made me cum all over myself,” Arin shot back, punctuating that retort with a kiss to Dan's jaw. 

Dan bit back a gasp. “Alright, yeah,” he said. “Didn't exactly cross my mind after you talked about jerking off in front of that D Club dude like it was no big deal.”

“You keep bringing that up.” Dan felt Arin's smirk. “Is that jealousy, Avidan?”

“What if it is?”

“Hmm.” Arin's mouth slid to Dan's neck. The scrape of his beard contrasted with the softness of his lips and the feeling made Dan shiver. “I can't lie, I kinda like that you were jealous.”

Dan had a cocky response ready on the tip of his tongue, but the words melted away when Arin's mouth found the sensitive spot on the side of his neck. “Fuck,” he gasped. “Fuck, Arin.”

“If you keep moaning my name like that, you're going to give me ideas, Danny.”

“What kind of ideas?”

“The kind where I want to show you what else I'm really fuckin' good at, besides making you cum with my fingers.”

“Jesus, Arin.” Dan closed his eyes, overwhelmed. “I, um – do you mean – ”

“Fucking you?” Arin asked bluntly.

Dan sucked in a breath. “Yeah.”

“Not gonna lie,” Arin said, looking at Dan like he couldn't believe he was even allowed to entertain the notion. “I've thought about it. Like, a lot. But I know you're still, um, learning, and I know this is happening pretty fast. I also, uh, didn't exactly bring anything for that.” 

Dan nodded, trying to figure out whether or not he was disappointed.

Arin went on. “What I meant was that I'm kind of fucking awesome at sucking dick, and, uh, I don't know exactly what you're down for right now, but I just wanted to put that on the table.”

“Um,” Dan said, dumbstruck by the filthy-casual way that Arin just _said_ that. “How do you know you're good at that? Have you done it before?”

“Not with an actual dick,” Arin confessed. 

“Then what - _oh._ ” Dan blushed. “You mean with a toy or something?”

“Yeah.” Arin's smile was almost bashful, for him. “Suzy kinda likes watching me do it. And sometimes it's just for myself, while I'm jacking off.”

“Are you imagining that it's a real person when you do it?”

Arin laughed shakily. “Yeah. Usually thinking about you.”

“Usually?” 

“Well, sometimes it's Cillian Murphy.”

“Of course.” Dan laughed. “He's still your number one man crush?”

Arin shook his head. “He never was. Only if I didn't count you.”

It was silly and cheesy but it made Dan smile anyway. He took a second to collect his thoughts, which was hard, because most of his brain was filled with images of Arin – Arin alone in his room, stroking himself desperately, his mouth full as he fantasized about _sucking Dan's cock_ , jesus. That was a hell of an ego boost. 

“Just to be clear,” Dan eventually said, tentatively. “Would you, uh, want me to do it back?”

“Daniel,” Arin said, very reasonably. “If you're asking if I expect it, no. If you're offering because you want to, then holy fucking shit, _yes_.”

Dan thought about it. He waited for some knee-jerk reaction, some burst of fear or at least trepidation. None came. The idea of turning the tables and being the one to give Arin pleasure made a pleasant heat blossom in his groin. 

“I could give it a try,” Dan said. “I probably won't be very good.”

“Are you serious? There's literally no combination of your mouth and my dick that wouldn't be awesome.”

Dan was grinning despite himself. “Okay,” he said, hardly believing that he was really thinking about it – and that he _liked_ thinking about it. “You might have to tell me what to do. I want to make it good for you.”

Arin sucked in a breath and nearly choked on it. “You,” Arin said raspily when he could speak, “are going to fuckin' kill me.”

“That would kinda ruin the mood.” Dan's face hurt from smiling. “But I'll make sure to tell everyone that you died doing what you loved.”

“Oh, shut your stupid mouth,” Arin groaned, laughing even as he hiked a leg over Dan's thighs and rolled fully on top of him.

“Make me.”

“Is that a challenge?” Arin's dark eyes glinted. He found one of Dan's wandering hands and pinned it up by the headboard. Dan wriggled, but found that he could barely move. His lower half was still under the blankets, and Arin's knees were pinning them in place on either side of him. He couldn't do much about it as Arin scooped up his other wrist and held it down too. They were both giggling, but Dan could feel the heat rushing to his face as he realized how fucking hard he was.

Arin felt it at the same time, and his eyes widened.

“Holy shit,” Arin said, “you fucking like this, don't you?”

The way he phrased it didn't sound like dirty talk, but an actual question. It made Dan laugh. The thought of being able to elicit shock from Arin like this – like Arin was impressed – did something to Dan, something that he definitely liked.

“Maybe I do,” Dan said, breathless and bold. “Maybe I like how you feel on top of me.”

“Yeah?” Arin was trying to be cocky, but Dan could feel him shiver. He pressed Dan's wrists down harder, letting Dan feel his strength. “You like when I'm in control?”

Dan was dizzy with arousal. He loved how strong Arin was. He was so gentle that it was easy to forget that he was a fucking _tank_. “Maybe,” he managed. “And maybe it would feel even better if you got under the covers with me.”

Arin met his eyes. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Dan breathed, “I think so.”

Arin drew back to let Dan lift the covers. For a moment Arin just stared, his eyes wide, until Dan said jokingly, “Hey, uh, I appreciate the compliment but this is kind of awkward.”

“Sorry,” Arin said. “Shit, I'm just. I never wanted to stare too much, before I knew you were into this. Felt like a creep. But now that I can...” He swallowed. “You're fucking _gorgeous_ , Dan. Like it's ridiculous how hot you are.”

Dan couldn't take his eyes off Arin, either. There was something so hot about how powerful he looked, with his broad build and muscles, and yet there was something almost feminine about his soft lines and curves. How could he have been looking at Arin all these years and never realized how he made him feel?

“So are you,” Dan murmured. “Fuck, come here already, want to get my hands on you.”

Arin settled back on top of him, this time without the blanket between their bodies. The skin-on-skin contact made Dan's brain short circuit. 

“Fuck,” Dan said, his hands skating down Arin's sides, over his curves.

“Yeah,” Arin said in dazed agreement. He stared down at Dan like he didn't believe he was real. “Yeah, I know.”

“Kiss me again,” Dan demanded. 

Arin leaned in, and suddenly there was a whole new layer of sensation as his cock dragged wetly against Dan's thigh. Dan gasped into the kiss and said, “Oh” and then “Oh my _god_ ” as he shifted his hips and found himself nudging his own cock against Arin's. 

Arin was just as hard as he was, and his shaft was shockingly warm. Dan could feel it twitching against him. He gave his hips a little roll, just testing the waters, and the friction was sharp and sweet. It was far from perfect – they weren't lined up perfectly, and the contact wasn't nearly enough – but the novelty of it, the knowledge that it was Arin's _dick_ he was rutting against, all made it even more arousing.

Dan moaned and clutched Arin's back, using his grip as leverage to adjust his angle. Arin shoved a hand into Dan's hair, and the nip of pain made Dan moan again, hips bucking uncontrollably. Suddenly there was even more slip between them. Arin's cock skidded across Dan's hip. 

Arin groaned and said, “Hey, so uh, this is a little embarrassing, but if you make me cum, I apologize in advance.”

“Isn't that the point?” Dan did it again, reaching around to get his hands on Arin's ass, pulling him closer.

“Kinda hoped I'd last until I got your dick in my mouth, at least.”

“Hmm,” Dan said lazily, enjoying Arin's flustered tone, “you'll just have to control yourself, then.”

“Fuckin' sass queen,” Arin said, and interrupted Dan's giggle with another kiss.

Dan still couldn't believe how normal this all felt. He'd never thought that kissing another guy would feel just like kissing anyone else. He would have thought it would be completely foreign, somehow, so much different than kissing a girl. But it really wasn't. Everything was the same – besides Arin's beard, which didn't really bother him at all. It was just kissing someone he loved, it was just _Arin_ , and knowing that Arin was into it was all Dan really needed.

It was the realization that all of his mental hangups were just that – imaginary, made up, warped by some stupid ingrained beliefs that he couldn't shake – that gave Dan the courage to take the next step. 

He let one of his hands trail from Arin's back to his hip, let his fingers skate across the softness of Arin's stomach, feeling the light hair and the way Arin's muscles tensed at his touch.

“Mmm,” Arin moaned faintly, and broke the kiss to nuzzle Dan's neck. Dan could sense that Arin knew where this was going, that he didn't want to ask or beg out of fear that Dan might hesitate. Instead he just pressed feather-light kisses against Dan's neck, panting slightly, his breath hot on Dan's skin.

Dan's fingers slipped downward. The trail of hair thickened below Arin's navel. Dan felt Arin's sharp intake of breath, felt the heat of him on his hand before he made contact. And then it was just there, dense and firm beneath his fingers, and Dan was wrapping his hand around Arin's cock.

“ _Dan,_ ” Arin moaned again, his hips bucking into the touch. Dan got to feel the new sensation of Arin's cock sliding through the ring of his hand, and the way he could actually feel it pulse and swell. Dan squeezed a little more tightly, stroking, awed at Arin's reaction and his own body's response.

“Can I touch you, too?” Arin almost whispered.

“Yes, fuck, please.”

Arin drew back far enough to look down between their bodies. Dan watched, his heart in his throat, as Arin took him in hand and mirrored Dan's tentative stroke.

They both looked up into each other's eyes at the same time. Dan laughed a little, disbelievingly, and Arin's face lit up.

“Yeah?” Dan asked, stupidly, challengingly.

“Fuck yeah.” Arin's hand sped up, and Dan matched his pace. Arin kept looking down and then back up again for Dan's reaction, and Dan loved the attention. It wasn't really that different – well, it _was_ , but it was just sex, just making someone feel good. And that part wasn't new or different at all. 

Dan moved his hand with a little twist, like he did to himself, and Arin was changing up the pressure as he stroked, like maybe that's what he did on himself, and it was definitely working for Dan. Arin seemed to like what Dan was doing, too, and he wasn't shy about being vocal about it. Dan's heart skipped a beat as he saw the tip of Arin's cock glistening. On the next upstroke he let his thumb glide over the head.

“Is that good?” Dan asked, trying not to sound as flustered as he felt. 

Arin huffed a laugh. “No complaints here. Uh, maybe a little too good, if anything. Fuck.”

“You need to work on your stamina,” Dan teased. 

“Listen,” Arin protested. “I've had a semi all day thinking about what you wanted me to do to you.”

“Really?”

“What the fuck do you mean, _really?_ God, it was all I could think about. Being in your bed with you, listening to your gorgeous voice, working that toy inside you...” 

Dan couldn't suppress a moan. “You did a pretty good job of hiding it.”

Arin groaned, fucking into Dan's hand. “I had to jerk off in the shower this morning to take the edge off. And you know I'm not a shower jerker.”

Dan barely contained his grin. He slowed down, easing off with the pressure, taking the time to focus on the feeling of Arin in his hand, processing the sensations and exploring the way they made him feel. 

“You're so big,” Dan told him, which was kind of a dumb cliché porn star thing to say, and it made him feel ridiculous. But Arin looked dumbstruck and he liked that, so he went on. “I noticed how big you were the first time you fingered me, when you got yourself off after I came. I was wondering how the hell that thing ever fits inside anyone. Like fuck, if your fingers already felt like a stretch, how would it feel to take more?”

“Dan, jesus.” Arin gave Dan's cock a squeeze. “What are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?”

The way Arin was looking at him made Dan feel daring. “I'm just being honest.” 

“Well,” Arin said, “if we're being honest, I can't stop thinking about what yours will feel like in my mouth.”

“I, um.” Dan swallowed. His mouth had suddenly gone dry. “If you're waiting for like, permission or consent or whatever, you can definitely find out for yourself anytime.”

“How does right now sound?”

Dan's cock gave a hopeful twitch. “Please,” he said hoarsely. 

And just like that, Arin was shimmying down, pressing quick kisses to Dan's chest and stomach on the way. Dan stared down at Arin's sleek dark head, hovering just above his cock, and a powerful pulse of arousal jolted through him.

“Please, Ar',” he said again, and touched Arin's hair with a shaking hand. It flowed through his fingers like silk. The girls he'd been with had always liked it when he'd hold their hair back for them, and Dan liked it too – that way he'd get a good view of the action. He did it now, scooping Arin's hair away from his face and holding it gently at the back of his head. 

Arin wrapped his hand around the base of Dan's cock, holding it steady. He seemed nervous at first, his movements jerky and unsure, but then he just – opened his mouth and took it in.

“Fuck,” Dan said, and accidentally pulled on Arin's hair. “Shit, sorry.”

But it was immediately apparent that Arin didn't mind. Not only did he not mind, it seemed to spur him into action. Arin moaned, the vibrations reverberating through Dan's cock, and then his mouth was sliding halfway down, all slick soft heat.

Dan stared, dumbfounded, watching Arin's mouth stretch around his dick. The visual alone would be enough to make him cum. He could feel Arin's tongue laving along the underside, could feel him breathing heavily through his nose. His eyelids were fluttering and his face was slack with pleasure, almost like this felt just as good for Arin as it did for Dan. 

“You're so fucking good at this,” Dan told him, pushing his free hand through Arin's hair to smooth the flyaways. “All that practice paid off.”

Arin seemed to interpret this as a challenge. He plunged his mouth even further down until the head of Dan's cock bumped up against the back of his throat. Dan groaned sharply and tried not to pull at Arin's hair. But when his fist tightened, Arin bent his head forward, _making_ Dan pull, and okay, holy shit. Arin made a thick wet sound, a muffled gag, but instead of pulling back he dropped a hand down to his dick and started jerking himself off, his technique turning sloppy.

“Oh my God.” Dan watched Arin's head bobbing in his lap, watched his cock sliding in and out of Arin's mouth. He resisted the urge to buck his hips. “Oh God, Arin, fuck.”

Arin pushed down until his lips met his hand. Dan's eyes nearly bugged out of his head as he felt Arin's throat squeezed around him, _swallowing_ around him.

Dan managed not to blow his load. Barely. 

It was Arin's moan that really did it for him, that thick muffled noise and the dazed blissed-out look on Arin's face. It was like Arin was totally lost in the feeling of sucking Dan's dick, like it was less of the act of service that Dan thought it must be and more of a selfish indulgence for him. 

Dan was definitely curious to see what it was like. “Hey,” he said, urgently. “Hey, um.”

Arin bobbed his head faster, working his hand up and down.

“Arin, jesus.” Dan tugged on his handful of hair and Arin's mouth slid off of his cock. He immediately bent forward again with a little whine, but Dan said, “No, oh fuck, you're gonna make me cum.”

“But I want you to cum.” 

“I do too, trust me. But I kinda want to try this on you first.”

“Yeah?” Arin lit up. “For real?”

Dan nodded, and Arin scrambled up the bed. Dan's eyes went to his cock, flushed and dripping. He kept staring as Arin spread his thighs, kept staring dumbly even as Arin said, “You can just go slow, you don't have to try and get it all the way in.”

“I don't think I'd be able to if I tried. You have like, a fucking superpower or something.”

Arin looked proud. “I'm a pro, dude.”

“Professional cock sucker?”

“Yeah. Gonna put that on my resume.”

“I'll update your Wikipedia,” Dan said, and Arin chuckled. “Will you help? I mean, talk me through it?”

“Sure,” Arin said. “Step one. You're gonna have to get that sweet mouth near my dick.”

“Right, yeah.” Dan scooted down the bed and nestled himself between Arin's thighs. Arin's cock looked even bigger from this angle, which didn't help Dan's nerves. But even though it seemed scary, he was determined to try. He looked up at Arin for the next instruction.

“Step two,” Arin said hoarsely, “if you look up at me like that while you're doing it, I'm going to last like, ten seconds tops. That's not really a step. Just a heads up.”

Dan swallowed hard. The thought of having that much power while in such a submissive position definitely did something. “Good to know.”

Arin seemed more flustered than ever. Dan's hand was resting on Arin's thigh and he could feel how tense he was, like he was trying his hardest to let Dan move slowly. “Uh, okay, now you just...put your hand on me so you can kinda hold it in place.”

Dan used his left hand and did as he was told, correcting Arin's downward curve to angle towards his mouth. When he squeezed gently, another bead of pre formed at the tip. Dan caught the scent – sweet and sharp and intimate, unmistakably masculine, unmistakably _Arin._

Arin said something else, but Dan didn't hear. Mesmerized, Dan leaned forward and stuck out his tongue. Some part of him was still waiting for the shock of the unknown. This had to be monumentally different from his past experiences with women. It had to be.

Except it tasted just as good, salt and musk and arousal, and it made Dan want more. He gave Arin a firmer lick, guiding his tongue around the underside of the head, and he could feel it when Arin's cock twitched in response. It was more intuitive than Dan had thought it would be. He let his lips part and moved forward, and the velvety slick head pushed right into his mouth

“Yeah,” Arin breathed from somewhere above him. “I dunno if you need my help. Think you're a natural at this, Dan. Fuck, _Dan._ ”

Hearing Arin say his name like that, like he was begging for it, was all the encouragement Dan needed. Maybe he wasn't as good as Arin, but he could try. Even just the head seemed to fill his mouth, pressing down on his tongue, and Dan has no idea how Arin had taken in so much. Dan tried, but as soon as he felt pressure on the back of his tongue, he had to stop.

He pulled off just to say, “I can't really fit much more of you in my mouth, but um. Is this good?”

“Dan,” Arin said levelly. “Do you think I'm gonna complain? Do you know how hot it is just to look at you with your mouth wrapped around my cock?”

“Oh,” Dan said, feeling his own cock jump. “Okay. I'm just gonna...” He licked his left palm, getting it wet, and stroked Arin's cock to spread it around. The extra lubrication helped his hand move more smoothly, and when he took the head back into his mouth he was able to bob his head in time with his hand, working Arin's shaft where his mouth couldn't reach.

“Dan!” Arin's hand shot down and gripped his shoulder. “Okay, holy shit, how the fuck, oh my God.”

Dan couldn't laugh, but he wanted to. He felt Arin trembling, felt his cock growing even harder in his mouth, all because of _him_ \- because Dan was giving him so much pleasure, doing such a good job of making him feel good, just like Arin did to him. 

Dan liked that satisfaction. And he kind of liked the feeling of his mouth being filled, too. His hair was in his face, sticking to Arin's damp thighs, but the distraction hardly bothered him. He could definitely see himself getting lost in this feeling, savouring Arin's gorgeous noises and the foreign but pleasant heaviness on his tongue, the taste of Arin's arousal in the back of his mouth.

“Dan?” Arin's hand grabbed his shoulder. “Hey, uh, question.”

Dan let Arin's cock slip out of his mouth with an obscene slurp that made him flush. “Yeah?”

“Do you want me to finish? Cause I'm like, right fuckin' there.”

“Already?”

“Don't rub it in,” Arin huffed. “You're like, stupid good at sucking dick, dude.”

“Oh yeah?” Dan was feeling reckless. He pumped Arin's cock slowly, lazily, and licked a stripe from base to tip.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Arin said weakly. “Do you want to keep going? And then I'll return the favour?”

Dan considered. He hadn't quite mentally prepared himself for this part. The part about Arin returning the favour for him was definitely enticing. His own cock was feeling pretty neglected, heavy and aching, trapped beneath his body against the mattress. But then something occurred to him.

“I mean...” Dan started tentatively. “We _were_ going to test out, the, you know...the toy you picked out for me. Did you maybe want to try – ?”

“Oh,” Arin said. “Oh, holy shit. Are you still into that?”

Dan nodded, his cheeks flushing. “I feel, um. I've never felt this before, but I – I don't know how to describe it, but I feel – like I want something inside me.” 

He felt so ridiculous saying it, but it was _true_. He was used to the sense of urgency and the tightness in his balls, the hot and heavy feeling of his cock, but now there was another layer. An odd emptiness that made him crave that stretch and slide, that friction he'd felt when Arin's fingers had filled him up.

A light kindled in Arin's eyes. “You,” he said, accusingly. “You don't even realize how hot that was, hearing you say that.”

Dan squirmed beneath his gaze, embarrassed. 

“I love it when you blush,” Arin groaned. “Fuck, yeah, then – I can't believe I'm about to tell you to stop sucking my dick, but if you want me to use the toy, I want to hold off until you cum from that.”

Dan kissed the tip and crawled up to lay beside Arin. “Alright,” he said, a little giddy, a little scared. “Can you use your finger first? Just to like, get me ready for it?”

“I'll get you nice and wet and opened up,” Arin promised. “I'm a pro, remember?”

Dan remembered how easy Arin had made it, how skilled those hands were. “True.”

“You wanted to be on your back, yeah?”

“Is that okay? I want to see your face.”

“What do you mean, is it okay? That's hot as fuck.”

“How should I...” Dan sat up halfway, considering. “Do I need to get my ankles on your shoulders, or something?”

Arin's face turned even redder at that. “Maybe if we were actually, uh. If we weren't using a toy,” he said, and Dan's eyes went wide as he caught what Arin meant. “If you bend your knees and just spread your legs, I can make that work.”

“Like this?” Dan nudged his legs apart. He thought he must look at least a little bit ridiculous, but when Arin looked at him, the expression on his face was awestruck.

“Yeah,” Arin managed. “Fuck yeah, that's good.” 

“What're you waiting for, then?”

“Forgive me for being just a _little_ fuckin' distracted,” Arin grumbled. He grabbed the toy, found the lube in the drawer and placed them on the bed next to Dan. And then it was Dan's turn to be distracted as Arin leaned down to kiss him – which felt a whole lot different when Arin was bracketed between Dan's legs like this. 

“Just like before,” Arin murmured, inches away from Dan's mouth. “I'm just gonna touch the outside first. I'll tell you before I put anything inside.”

“I know. I trust you, Arin.”

“Good.” Arin kissed him again, then knelt between his legs. He did everything in Dan's line of sight, which Dan appreciated. He watched as Arin popped the cap on the lube and poured some onto his fingers, rubbing them together to warm it up. With one hand, he stroked Dan's cock, languid and slow. The other hand dipped lower, rubbing slick fingertips against his taint and over his hole. 

“Oh,” Dan breathed. He'd thought the sensation was intense the first time. The added stimulation – and the visual of Arin actually doing it – made it incredible.

“Is that okay?” Arin's voice rumbled, as he spread the lube around, rubbing in tight little circles. 

“Definitely okay. More than okay.” It was almost maddening. Dan's breath was coming in short, tight gasps. The intimacy of Arin touching him there was magnified tenfold now that he could see the look on Arin's face while he did it.

“Just tell me when you're ready for it to go in.”

Dan knew how to focus on the muscles and make them relax. He knew he could take one finger easily. He nodded and said, “Go for it.”

“Okay,” Arin said, and then his index finger was nudging at his entrance, applying gentle pressure. Dan breathed, in and out, staying loose and relaxed.

“Ah,” Dan gasped, arching his back and shuddering as the first finger slipped inside. It was just like he remembered, only maybe a little less intense. 

“Still good?” Arin asked him, already sounding kind of wrecked.

“God, yes. I can handle more.”

Arin uncapped the lube and drizzled more onto Dan's hole. His hand was trembling, but he kept himself good and steady, pulling his finger out and slowly replacing it with two.

Being on his back was so much better. He could rock his hips, controlling the movement, taking charge whenever he wanted. Before Arin could crook his fingers to find his spot, Dan angled his hips in a certain way, and almost bit his tongue off when the new position ended up pushing Arin's fingers right against his prostate.

“Oh, oh, fuck.” Dan sounded desperate already. “Fuck, fuck, that's so much, that feels so good.”

Arin stared, dumbstruck, as Dan started to hump desperately against his hand, fucking himself on Arin's fingers. “Jesus, Danny.”

“Sorry,” Dan gasped out. “Couldn't help myself.” 

“Not gonna complain about you doing half the work for me. Just wish you knew how fucking hot you look right now. You're so fuckin' eager, squeezing your little ass around my fingers, holy fuck. I could cum just from watching you.”

Dan couldn't speak, couldn't answer, couldn't do anything but moan. “More,” he begged. “Arin, I need...”

“You want the toy?”

“Please.”

Arin fumbled for it. He got the lube and poured a stupid amount over the shiny blue tip. Dan whined when he felt Arin's fingers slip free, but he quickly shut up when he felt the bigger, blunter head of the dildo press against his opening.

“Tell me when,” Arin said, his voice thick. 

Dan could feel his hand shaking. His heartbeat quickened. “Yes, fuck, do it.”

The pressure was different. The slickness and shape reminded Dan of a real cock, and he couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to get fucked for real – to have Arin open him up, thick and warm and pulsing – 

Dan moaned and felt himself start to open up, felt his body take it in. He cried out, not in pain but in surprise at how fucking good it felt already. His hands flailed out to his sides, searching for something to grab and hold onto. Arin's hand found his, and pressed it down against the bed.

“Easy,” Arin soothed. “I've got you.”

“Arin,” Dan said desperately, his chest heaving. “Arin, it's so good.”

“Yeah?” Arin nudged the toy further, his eyes fixed on Dan's face. “You like that?”

“Yes!” Dan almost shouted, and Arin laughed.

“Told you you'd love this thing.”

The curve of it was fucking perfect. It slid in so easily, aiming right at the spot that drove him crazy, and while Arin's fingers were good, this was even better. The pressure against his prostate was more intense, more instantaneous. The base gave Arin a good firm grip and he was able to push it in and out in a gentle rhythm. Dan's cock twitched, leaking a puddle against his stomach. It was so good he was going fully nonverbal. Sounds were coming out of his mouth, sounds that were almost words, like Arin's name and _yes_ and _please_ and _more._

“I was nervous about doing this,” Arin told him. “I knew I wouldn't be able to watch this thing open you up, watch it disappear in your ass, without picturing my cock in there instead.”

“Oh my God.” Dan somehow formed that complete sentence. His fingers clutched the sheets as Arin kept up the pace, relentless waves of pleasure crashing over him with every thrust. 

“Couldn't stop fuckin' thinking about it the last time,” Arin said, his voice low and smooth like honey. He was sweating, his hair sticking to his florid cheeks, his pupils so blown that his eyes looked black. He looked wild and gorgeous and Dan couldn't take his eyes off of him. “Feeling how tight and hot you were inside, listening to you moan, watching your pretty pink hole cling to my fingers...”

“God,” Dan choked, head swirling. Arin's words had almost as big of an effect on him as the toy.

Arin pushed the dildo forward until Dan felt the base press against his taint, felt his hole close snugly around the little tapered end, holding it inside. Arin's hands were shaking, sweating, and he had to let go of the toy and lean back. Dan watched as Arin's hand went to his cock, jacking it with a kind of desperate intensity. He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and let out a muffled groan. 

Dan whined, rocking his hips. The fullness was good but the friction was better, and he wanted more, _needed_ more.

“Please,” he begged shamelessly. “Please, please, Arin.”

“Please what?” Arin's fingers played with the heavy base of the toy, nudging it, pressing it up firmly behind Dan's balls. “Want me to turn it on? It's so fuckin' good, I promise.”

He had almost forgotten that was possible. Dan held his breath, wondering if he dared, wondering if it would be too much. But he trusted Arin, and _god_ he wanted more.

“Yes,” Dan whimpered, shutting his eyes and bracing himself – but nothing could prepare him for the feeling. Suddenly there was something like instant, constant friction, concentrated and amplified, looped like an electric current between his prostate and his cock and back again. 

Arin's soft hand pressed down on Dan's hip. “Too much?” he asked, sliding it out just enough so that the vibrating base wasn't flush to his skin.

“No, it's _good_ ,” Dan practically sobbed. “Don't stop, don't take it out, don't you dare.”

“Not gonna stop,” Arin promised, and then he started fucking into him again, building up to his earlier pace, only now everything was accompanied by that delicious, impossible buzzing warmth.

Dan, once again, lost the ability to speak. Every time he gulped air into his lungs, it came out with a cry, each one rising in pitch.

“Wish you could see yourself,” Arin said raggedly, “wish you could watch yourself getting fucked – you look so good it should be a fuckin' crime, you were _made_ for this, I swear, and I can't stop thinking about how good it would feel to fuck you for real.”

“Next time,” Dan said before he could think, shuddering as he imagined Arin's girth filling him up, hot and pulsing. “Next time I want that, I want to feel you inside me.”

“ _Fuck,_ ” Arin cut him off, like that broke him. He bent and took Dan's cock into his mouth again.

Dan grabbed one handful of sheets and one handful of Arin's hair. The combined sensations of having something in his ass and Arin's mouth on his cock practically made him levitate up off the bed. He managed to hold in a scream and instead let out a ragged, stuttering cry.

Arin's fingers, fumbling blindly, found the base of the toy and kept pumping it in and out. He matched the pace of his mouth moving up and down Dan's shaft, and the rhythm was perfect, intense and constant. 

“ _Arin!_ ”

Arin looked up at Dan through his eyelashes. Somehow, even with his mouth full of dick, he managed to look incredibly proud of himself. 

Dan couldn't help it, he thrust his hips up into Arin's mouth and back down towards the penetration. Arin didn't seem to mind. He just took it, barely choking, letting Dan fuck his mouth without even losing his rhythm with the toy.

The pressure and the heat coiled up in his groin, his balls drawing up tight, his stomach flexing and his fingers white-knuckling in the sheets. Dan made a keening sound, desperate and needy, and Arin pulled off and said, “Come on, Dan, cum for me, cum in my mouth” and sank back down, and that was pretty much it for him. 

Dan's back arched up off the bed as stars burst behind his eyes. Everything felt dragged out, like it was happening in slow motion, his climax rolling slowly like a mudslide instead of the usual crashing wave. The fullness in his ass seemed to amplify the blaze of sensation of Arin's mouth on his cock. It was incredible – it was like electricity shaking him apart – he was at his peak, he was cumming, and Arin was swallowing it down, and there was just so _much_ of it, Dan couldn't believe that anything this good could last this long.

His hand tightened on Arin's hair, he couldn't help it. Arin made a muffled noise. His fingers dug into the meat of Dan's thigh, the pain merging seamlessly into Dan's pleasure – and then, just as suddenly, Arin released him and shoved his arm down between their bodies. Dan was too far gone to register Arin's hand desperately pumping his own cock until he stiffened, his mouth going slack, keeping just enough pressure to milk the last few drops of Dan's climax.

By the time he came down, chest heaving, Dan felt absolutely drained. His spent cock slipped from Arin's mouth. The vibration had already stopped at some point, sparing Dan from the unbearable oversensitivity. The fullness abated as Arin gently slipped the toy free. 

And the world started coming back into focus.

Dan looked down and saw Arin gasping for breath. Twin rivulets of pearlescent white had spilled out of the corners of his mouth, soaking into his beard. He looked absolutely debauched, his face red and dazed.

Arin saw him staring and said weakly, “Yeah, um, that was a lot to swallow. Couldn't handle it all.”

“You – you – ” Dan's mind was gone, a blank slate, the dazzling sparks blotting everything else out. It took him a while to find his voice. “You look so fucking hot. I mean – I'm sorry if it was a lot, but holy shit.”

“Why are you apologizing? Watching you cum was one of the hottest things I've ever seen.”

“Really?”

Arin said, “Um,” and stared pointedly at Dan's leg. Dan looked too and saw the sticky puddle, registered the wet feeling underneath where it had soaked into the sheets.

“Oh,” he said stupidly. How had he missed that? “I wanted to help.”

“You kinda did. I, uh. I knew I liked sucking dick, but jesus, feeling you cum in my mouth just shot me straight over the fuckin' edge.”

Dan's eyes widened as he processed that. “You liked it that much?”

“Mm,” Arin said, his face reddening. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

“You're gonna have to let me find out what that feels like next time.”

“As if I'm gonna say no.”

Dan laughed, giddy and exhausted and overwhelmed. “So uh, what are you doing tomorrow?”

“I was gonna suggest we make it a work day, but if you'd rather suck my dick, I'll go with your plan.”

They both laughed, curling against each other, sweaty and sticky and sated. Dan kissed Arin on the mouth, not giving a shit that his own cum was drying tacky on Arin's chin.

It was crazy how normal it all seemed. What had just happened seemed so huge, earth-shaking, absolutely life-changing. Everything had changed, and yet nothing had changed – it was just Arin. His Arin. Just the two of them, as it had been from the beginning.

He wondered if Arin felt the same way. “So what happens now?” he asked. “Where do we go from here? Should I bring Suzy flowers for letting me share her man?”

Arin shrugged and pulled Dan into the crook of his arm. “If you're serious, she'd rather have a cactus, or something. During quarantine she's been turning our place into a fuckin' greenhouse, it's awesome.”

Dan smiled. “A cactus it is.”

“Seriously though, you don't have to worry. She already loves you. She'll be so happy that we both pulled our heads out of our asses.”

“The all-knowing Suze,” Dan laughed.

“She is, dude. She's been wanting me to ask you out for ages. Why do you think she offered to sleep in the guest room that night?”

“Wait, what?” Dan's eyes widened. “I thought she was saying that she'd make up the guest room for _me_.”

“Nope. She thought it was sweet when she saw us cuddling. She was hoping I'd get my shit together and make a move.”

“Right. So what you're saying is, I need to buy her five cactuses and a box of chocolates. Cacti. Whatever.”

Arin laughed and kissed him. “Whatever you want.”

“It's just incredible how easy this seems,” Dan confessed. “Like having everything handed to me on a silver platter. I built this up so much in my head, and everything just kind of – fell into place on it's own. All because I didn't clear my stupid browser history.”

“Maybe it was meant to be.” Arin stroked Dan's hair with a sweaty hand. “Of course it seems easy. We already know each other so well. It's just us, right? It's just gonna be like it always was, only better.”

Dan's eyes slipped shut. Arin's shoulder was insanely comfortable. And Arin's words made him feel – safe. It was a dumb cliché, but it felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Everything he'd been so worried about had turned out fine.

“I feel so stupid for not saying something sooner,” he said to Arin, drowsily. “I was so caught up in my own mental blocks that I didn't even realize that what I wanted was right in front of me for so many years.”

“I wish I'd said something,” Arin said. “I almost did, a couple of times. I just didn't want everything I'd worked so hard for to crumble around me because of one stupid impulsive decision.”

“Even if I didn't feel the same way, I wouldn't have just bailed on you.”

“Yeah,” Arin said, winding his fingers into Dan's hair. “I guess I was stupid, too. But since I met you, my whole life has been like one long string of good luck. Sometimes I thought that it was too good to last.”

Dan could appreciate that, but. “I wouldn't call it luck,” he said. “Everything you have, you've worked for and deserve.”

“Including you?” 

Dan smiled against Arin's skin. “Nope. You just lucked out with me. I'm a hell of a catch.”

He felt Arin's quiet laughter rumble through his chest. Dan lifted his head to meet Arin's gaze, grinning to let Arin know he was kidding, and Arin pulled him in for a kiss.

When they parted, Arin said, “I love you.”

The words weren't new. How many times had they exchanged _I love yous_ before? Dan couldn't even begin to count. But this was different – this was _more_. 

“I love you too, Arin.”

He saw the impact of his words reflected in Arin's eyes, and he knew that Arin was feeling the exact same thing.

For a minute Dan thought that they would drift off to sleep. And then Arin said, “I probably need a shower.”

“Hmm,” Dan said lazily. “No you don't.”

“I'm covered in jizz.”

“Whose fault is that?”

“Yours,” Arin said. “My beard feels _crunchy._ ”

“Should have swallowed better.”

“You're right,” Arin said without missing a beat. “I probably need more practice.” 

Dan flushed dark red. Arin smirked, satisfied with himself.

“Good,” he said. “Still know how to make you blush.”

“I'm not blushing!”

“Yes you are. You're so cute when you're embarrassed.”

Dan wrestled his way on top of Arin, who was laughing at him, the fucker. Arin put up a token struggle but let Dan win. Some of that cocksure bravado faded from Arin's face and was replaced by a look of wonder. His hands traveled down Dan's chest, his soft fingers brushing Dan's nipples, and suddenly Dan realized that he really, _really_ liked where this was going. 

Arin said, “Hey, uh, would you be up for round two?”

“Might need some time to recoup, but yeah. I'm down.”

“Then we should definitely clean up. Could be fun.” Arin's eyes sparkled. “Your shower's big enough for two, yeah?”

And okay, maybe a shower was just the thing.


End file.
